feelin the irony of what happened.everything is jus in a whirl.woke up numbed.brushed my teeth and went to lay down on in my comfort zone.huggin my eygore and pillow for security.lay there with nothingness in my mind.only flashes of the incident.den a stop sign.another blockage.my mind went blank again.got up to bath.heard sounds of children running ard the block in their cherry voices in the cool,after e 'rainy' weather last night.felt like walkin to sch earlier so i too,can enjoy the breeze against my bare skin.not feelin the rush of what's happenin ard me.

walked out of my house to the lift.didnt occur to me what i was adjusting on my finger.only to realised that there's only the tan mark of a ring.nothing binded to it as a reminder.felt something amissed.duno wad.

starin at the cloudy skies.so is my mind.confusion sat upon my head.den a voice talked to me.had a nice conversation with him.asked me what my deal and agreement after what we discussed.didnt felt like thinking.jus told him i duno.came to class.feelings cant be denied nw.

i miss someone.yet,not knowin what is good for him n me.but i miss someone badly.

haven been bloggin for quite sometime..cause my house under paintin!!!yeah..my room is now so much brighter!!love it..its yellow nw...hehz!my current situation is rather pathetic cause i have to sit on the floor with my things all lying ard..imagine those movie where all those inspiring artists stay in those studio apts in N.Y..whaha..

anyway,this is goin to be one long entry..2004 is comin to an end soon..had things to think abt as the last few months was like a crazy road to travel..had no idea why i was embarked onto that path?but i guess its for a reason from Him.it made me think alot.i mean,lots.prob more than any other year?as i transit into the new year..instead of making new year resolutions..etc..this year is not a very typical year for me.i learnt abt feelings of losin loved ones(almost),political stuff in the outside world(how mean bosses can get) to my family disputes.tryin to let go of things esp the past.think it was on thurs nite when i came back..somehow i dreaded to go home.knowin i had to face a very extremely superficial christmas was like a chore.but there was this overwhelmin of sadness tt came buryin my all other emotions and thoughts tt was inside me.i jus found myself dumb-struck,not knowing what to do nor how to go abt what i was facing.all i wanted to do was to jus break down.maybe i grew up in a very sheltered,homely kind of lifestyle.i jus found it so hard to adapt to what i was goin thru.i am confused and had no sense of direction where i am headin to.up to today,frankly.i still duno what am i suppose to see from these events tt happened.-tt life isnt as sweet cause we prob not learn anything?the last few mths it was event after event.drained?yeah..i am.sick?i guess so too..being an only child is really difficult sometimes,esp when parents are not in the right state pertaining to their marriage?is this like some middle-age crisis tt married couples face?im really unsure?but having to listen to both sides of the stories and the restriction-u're not only to mention a word to the other party.to me,i really didnt want to know too much after knowing some shocking secrets tt was served with much disppointment.but i still landed knowing the most as both parents confide in me their personal views of each other.there's a tingling feelin tt i should do something.a thing that maybe can change their lives.the last time i tried to intervene,it landed in big fight.ay..guess i should not put myself in the sinking ship.so at least i can swim and save both-if possible if should the ship sink the last min.if i want to-another thing altogether.

the last few mths im tryin to get back my christian life.with utmost difficulty.yet,everytime a disastrous event happens, its when i feel He is most distant from me.jus when i needed him.i feel so imcomplete without Him.e lack of love and attention.when it happens,i start to look for it at other places.with now a home,my walk with Papa,relationships tt lacks the love attention..im at a lost!i feel so cut off from everything.friends.cell.family.loved ones.even me,myself and i!believe it?today i went for service with such diffculty in tryin listen to the sermon.i find it hard to relate what pastors are talkin nw.like when i was placed in a weird class when sch started,i was meant to be a testimony.(frm another church).den came today-to step out in faith without waiting the answers from God.is these what righteous men did in the past?!omg..i never felt so low?today a galpal told me "off" abt not turnin up for a meeting a few weeks ago cause i felt hopeless in goin.it hit me when she said u cant run.it felt a slap on the face literally.i wish,i wish tt something good can happen in my family among all the trash tt is happenin nw.i keep a faith in believing something in all i knew.i thought i saw something good in all my loved ones since young.but am i wrong?

this christmas is jus another day.i dun feel anything?christmas has always been my fav festive season.but this yr is like some timebomb.i felt the intensity and hypocrispsy.i cant differentiate what is real and what is not.i tried to do what i always do-the spirit of giving,joy and loving.it felt diff this year.the mood was lost.it was inevitable.i knew it but i didnt wana face it.sadly in e end,i had to.prayin for the best for my parents relationship.tt it will be over soon.i jus want my happy family back.i jus want to be part of the normally,great,joyful family.everything seem superficial.what an entry into 2005.esp on the road to 20?i think..i ask for nothing more den jus e love and attention from esp Him.family and loved ones.tt's all i want.no strings attach.but it seems..they cant understand.they are jus too caught up in their world to do tt.only Him i can hope in.merry blessed christmas.

-Complete-
here i am oh God,i bring this sacrifice
my open heart,i offer up my life
i look to you Lord,your love that never ends
restores me again

so i lift my eyes to you Lord
in your strength,will i breakthru Lord
touch me now,let your love fall down on me
i know your love dispels all my fears
thru e storm i will hold on
and by faith i will walk on Lord
then i see beyond my calvary one day
and i will be complete in you

ay..im sitting in class right nw..procastinating..whaha!not listenin to class cause weather too hot and im feelin lazy!sort of waiting for pauline and kane to come cause we got some tutorial to do..ignore kane though..she prob wouldnt do anything really..nvm abt that..im kinda grumpy in the morning..its the morning sickness..got work to do nw..ciao..
shanxiong said im busy cause im busy talkin cork..right..no loh!i hardworking gal..hehz

right nw im not exactly in the best of moods cause im super alienated here..other den the fact i thought my friends were coming to this particular prac class,i feel a major rush of anxiety to get out of class-im alone here.let me describe to u my situation the best i can..
..labroom..
pauline said she didnt wana come cause she didnt know anyone here..fine.i felt i shouldnt miss the class..in a way i thought alfred and guan were here.i didnt know what lay behind the doors of the lab rooms.then the moment came.i pushed the knob and opened the door..i peered into the unknown faces in the class.all gals.ok..not tt bad..then it hit me.alf and guan not here..seriously i dun know what to feel.pissed?yes i am.
im not listening to the lecturer but the first instinct is to jus run.i duno what to say or make friends or whatever.i feel like an introvert man.crap.i never had probs socialising.i duno why the sudden wave of feelin nw.jus feel so alone.im jus praying to God to end the class so i can get out of class to get my fresh air of oxygen.darn.

..goin numbed with coldness..
today was jus a so-so day..thought abt things which i think abt everyday but not knowing what to do..except to pray.well,i was called last min to be tmr worship leader-singing christmas carols?but i haven lead christmas carols before?!sheesh..i was jus total idiot to it..prob need a idiots' guide to leading christmas carols-if they are ever publishin it.i'll be the first one in the stores to hitch a copy!but i thought it was bit pointless havin the prac cause like my bassist and keyboard didnt turn up and tmr mornin im sooooo NOT confident of getting it right in 20 mins.today, i took 1hr15mins to get it right with the rest.check out the contrast man..
went to grands..saw how they pushed the wheelchair down the stairs so my grandad at least would have a life outside the house other den jus confined to 4 walls in the hse.interestin?played with caleb.fat piggy..hehz.i love babies.they will simply jus melt u with their innocence.those kind of adorable faces which makes u feel like one of them.momentarily forgetting all the pressures and stresses in life.ay..went for badminton at thompson cc..den there was this acs(i) fella who came up to my family..wanted to play with us..well,at the end,i thought he had an air of arrogance..sorry lah,but i never really fancied anyone from acs(i)..think the majority of them are a bunch of jerks.ok..i digressed!sorry ladies n gents..
kinda jus read my emails..sent esp to me..reading family politics.melodramatic.i think if i was to be a director,it could the best-awarding serial drama of all time in local history.prob best directing!haha..wishful thoughts.abt my family,somehow ever since on fri,i managed to figure why i got all frustrated and all..thought was abt my farecard!but no.i feel im becomin numbed towards them for the moment.kinda sick and tired playing happy family..when i duno even know if it is one.i guess even if it is,im skeptical abt it.i hate it if there is any hypocripsy ard me.i hate it when i have to be someone tt im not meant to be.nw i guess if i tell to anyone,they will think im goin crazy for not havin feelins or like some freak who comes houndin them to pour out my worries.apart from God,sometimes i feel like im alienated from the rest of everyone else tt i know.

well,i cant really get to sleep?dun really know what's the reason..which kinda sucks.suppose to go sentosa tmr which is a happy day!but at the current moment,im kinda thinking abt a conversation tt i had earlier in e evenin' with jere.sorta set me thinking.accidentally i had some thoughts abt my future jus earlier this morning while watchin a telly talkshow-think was 'Oprah'?like having my own family and kids.but sometimes when i think of it,i get freaked out like raising kids the right way and all..in fact,i jus came to a realisation there's not really a right or wrong in teaching.its jus how the parents were to be to the children.strict?the nice,protective parents?i think it seems like nothing is really workin to discipline kids of today.e influenceza of teaching methods is spreading..kids grows up,start to compare and etc-trouble starts if they find they lacked something in their lives. something they cant seem to find it in their own homes,but in someone else's home by listenin to how other parents are treating their kids!its either i'll be grateful im not treated tt way OR rather.. crap!why am i not bought up in this family?-they need another adoption?one avilable here..kind of thoughts.i think it scares me if i cant be a good parent.yet during the conversation,i thought abt my upbringin at home. i was sheltered.no canning-definitely.hence,i feel im an exceptional when i think abt other only childs' or 'kids' of my generation tt i know.i feel that i am different.declaring:im not ego..i felt at peace knowin i've God to watch over the family.doing what i should as a parent the rest unto God.i felt i didnt have any issues abt the fact how my kids will grow up.strong faith?i guess so.i think im tryin to put in the complete faith tt God is in control and this is only so much i can do for my child.
but amusingly,for half an hour of 19 yrs in my life,i struggled with an image of having a cannin syst in my own home.i cranked at the thought of it.i felt im the kind tt if i start cannin once im angry,i think i'll be sued for child abuse considering e fact i dun quite flare up easily.thus,physical anger not really managed.but i think im the type tt can manage a very good scolding,with a extremely stern look,the most,a hard spank on the bum,walk away quietly.anything beyond,pls pray i dun be put behind bars.i also had difficulties facing someone in the eye who would canned his/her own child.i mean,i know its for their own good,but i so do not go with tt idea?how would i feel or react if i saw my own husband doin it?sheesh!after the conversation,am i jus plain naive?!does cannin helps to today's generation?!will it help the child or affect the development?will it become a scar emotionally like ive known my friends who told me how they felt.opening a bridge of emptiness between parents and child?the child will never feel close to enough to the parent..?
i certainly got all confused suddenly.i know everyone is entitled to their own perogative. im curious?
..jus a spank or canned?..
..another thought..im starting sch next week.omg..wad a december hols!its Christmas..what's wrong with the e darn sch syst!..