really exhausted from emo thoughts thoughout the whole afternoon.not very 'friendly' thoughts. jus kinda hit me after reading a book. questions asked and contents written by the author was really provoking. things that was penned seem like a slap in the face. but yet, i cant help but denying certain things. the more i thought abt it, the harder the denial seem to be becoming. it began overshadowing me like im being trapped in some maze. i cant see where i am goin, neither do i have anything equipped for this maze i had to walk through. prob jus basically on blind faith? but wad the book seem to portray to me doesnt seem like it. it seems to be tellin me abt how my relationship with jere is. i HAVE to think abt it. NOW. before i go to heaven tt is. things like, it doesnt matter how the long(days,mths,yrs..u choose) the relationship between u n ya guy, if both of u dun have a common goal of servin God, not much pt of having IT. if we examine our relationships of today( if u think physical involvements gets u close - in terms of hand holding, kissing..etc), answer? Lust. wrong focus.hmmm..having to skip the period of friendship into dating. concept:friends are suppose to be walking alongside with each other with a common goal. on romantic terms, quite wrong to use the term: 'hey, we should get to know each other better. let's date.' i mean suddenly, reading all these stuff made me feel so vulnerable. lost. a child. i cant make my own decisions. let alone - God to be involve in ALL decisions that we make. honestly, though i didnt agree with everything the author wrote, a small amount of things he wrote well..DID made sense. what's ur motive to enter in a relationship?suit what u were feeling for the other party (cause maybe there's some chemistry,hitting on well?) or u like really like this person(christian), in hope that marriage is on the cards-serving the Lord one day in a common field/ministry..whatever, for God.

remember what i said on my birthday? on the contrary,i turned 20. ok here's the situation. u jus read the whole relationship trauma im having. im seem to be lost in my own world. confuse. den came the next thing. i started thinking abt yest. the way i was in sch. i was feelin frustrated and trapped. i felt i was jus wrapped under my parents' wings. my classmated are goin on holiday. another to grp to those who knew my concerns abt a hol with friends,this is another. a prob more reliable, fun- loving grp. not to mention there are some christians in there. but there i was. sat beside them. feelin like a little child. while they are thinkin the iternary for the trip to genting, i was thinkin of how to ask my parents so i can join them. maybe i didnt want to feel left out. maybe i wanted to show them that ya, i could go. motive: to know them better. i could be a friend tt they could call out someday.sheesh, i sat alone after tt cause i seem to be missin out the fun,not to mention miah goin too, i was alone. i didnt had much to contribute. cause i wasnt like any of them. all acting as if like they are really mature,trust-worthy. i had to ask my parents for permission cause of trust,prob. i felt jealous. left- out. jere prob thought i threm my tantrem,acting really childish. wanted to isolate myself with frm them. but how to explain how i was feelin? i felt like why the heck am i facing this on campus while im 20. short of a yr to liberty(so pple say). maybe if i was in uni, i may not have to face this kind of issue. yet i had to face it. at home, i seem to treated like some 12 yr old. in campus, i was 20. for real.

jus me? can anyone empathize with me at this?!

its so amazing how medicine can make one in such a cranky mood.
its also amazing how computers of today can make u frustrated.sometimes maybe technology is not the best way to go..

yawnz.

ahhh..what can i say abt myself today?on mc,having a voice which totally not recongiseable-totally "sexy" man..so since i didnt had anyone to talk to,which is gd i think cause i was very cranky.partly due to the fact i slept thru the whole morning frm 9+ till 12?!no to mention tt i slept for 11 hrs last nite?!den i didnt want to sleep wanted to talk to someone but yet the cough held me back(also,cause my frens were all in sch)..heh!yeah,talk abt procastination.i decided to take mc.cause initially i didnt had.but after a convincing conversation with miah, guess 'not-goin-to-sch' was a brillant, fantastic,tempting idea!yah..so,with mind up.went to sleep.forget abt classes.

jus read zal's blog?no wonder he asked me how much a punchin bag cost.first i thought he wanted to do serious trainin or something..but instead it was cause a girl..yeah. relationships is indeed a complex,sophisticated and delicate matter.either u play the game right or u jus throw and play the wrongs cards out and prob get screwed. it hit me that when u dun see someone u like/love for a while(days),can really make u feel on cloud9,making the 'missing' process, awwwww-so-sweet! u will be planning what to do when u get back,what are the things u gona say,how to spend ya time,hoping also the other person feels the same way.the feelin is kinda magical.no words can prob explain it.it would jus be so sweet,exciting and exhilarating!so much so sometimes u wish the person is jus right next to u!prob hold tt person close as if its ya last day on earth! but when 2 people see almost everyday, prob the feelins are not so strong.it would jus be more of knowing tt person is there.prob taking it for granted?with the all so infamous line, "only when its gone,then u will treasure it.by then, its too late..."the imperfection of us. sometimes when i feel like its more of a mere excuse rather den a reason. guess it boils down to our efforts. always the same whole thing right?its jus human nature..purely natural-sounds corny...

yest i had a really romantic time with dearie despite me being bit cranky cause of the medicine and i couldnt sleep.we went to watch 'constantine'( quite cool though i think i bit chicken lah), played arcade!and a treat frm miah at secret recipe..wonderful dinner.to jus in remembrane of our anniversary,belated birthdays,valentine's day..wad else.cant remember!suppose to receive flowers but it never came.haha..gd in a way.so i not so paiseh though it will be bit flattering.hehz! reach back home abt 845..slept all the way till morning. wonders of medicine.yawnz...

great.im off to slumberland again.waiting for miah's reply but i duno where's he...said he brb.but i cannot stand it.my eyes are jus auto shutting close.what the heck.so much for the sleep i had.

i so forgot to say also that when i was feelin bad abt his ex askin him out,dearie msg me to say,"missya my honey". talk abt how god can also cure my insecurities.with his and dearie's words.prayer answered.

jus 3 simple words to cure a insecure heart.never fails.

happy anniversary baby...

..edited version..
God's word always comes at the right time!really,it felt like whole times when my relationship with the big guy up there was really cool and awesome.but i think its often the good things tt bring closer to God.esp at times like this.

no offence to my dear.but i really couldnt not help feelin jealous on the fact tt something happen the previous nite den next mornin he msg me to say his ex asked him out.maybe u guys can really think its jus me cause i thought of tt possibility too.it didnt feel right with me.it didnt feel like she was goin to meet him jus for a catch up session.somehow it felt its of a tt pt of losin him.somehow the thoughts of losin someone close is so strong.everything i did was such a dread,like there was tons n tons of weight on me.the more i thought abt it,i began to recall the past things we argue,how things were not goin as smooth as we thought it could be.i was on the verge of giving up.i didnt had faith in our relationship anymore.i was jus lookin at all the nitty-gritty details tt i was upset with him.was i in denial?like he's not for me in the first place?i prayed.i opened the bible to do my daily QT and the verse of love spoke.personally frm God.a message of faith,hope and love.it taught me again how to love.how its of great joy to give rather den receiving.how to compromise.how to understand the aspect of relationships better.its something God will do. in all kinds of relationships with anyone.

"love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always presevers." 1 corinthians 13:4-7

funny how this CNY trip made me emo.i felt lonely too.well,my couz didnt exactly talk to me-other den ben,jeremy,andrew,jasmine,sherene,daniel,munyee.instead i had an outsider talkin to me.my couz bf, who is a kenyan,Allan.really cool,nice fella.least he bothered to talk even if i tried.felt so out.darn.what's wrong with me.did it played a factor to what happened above?i hate emotional rides sometimes.

"..like a diamond in your ring,cut out to mirror your intentions..."

today's i emo at the spa!!?yeah,what a place right?okok..gettin on with it..

was with my mum..we went to the steam bath and jaquzzi after tt.but tt's one thing.i never saw my mum with such a fatigue expression on her face before as if she was really tired from something.i duno.she kept facing down and i cant really make up what she was feelin?tried to asked her how come so tired..she said duno.i knew it wasnt the exercise tt was tired,she had a nap earlier on.on the whole,it didnt sound really convincing.somehow,i cant get the thought of my parents havin a marriage prob out of my head.my dad assured me it was not.but i think its bit unmistakable at times when things are jus too oblivous not to notice.

thought abt last nite,when dad was driving back frm grand's hse(melaka)to the hotel,he was so irritated and pissed with i-duno-what and happily sped,overtakin every car,it felt like crap and eternity there and den.den when we were goin to park the car,the way he turn was so drastic den u can practically feel the whole body jus getting thrown off.imagine speedin in the carpark?!eh yah..he was parkin and he started goin,"f***"(if i made up correctly what he said),like duno how many times.first time i heard it frm my dad.frm the mouth.i was so disppointed for the fact tt cause of his anger,he jus like did not consider the fact abt other lives in the car.i didnt feel angry,jus really disppointed.faithless.mum and i jus looked at each other.i shot her one kind of look guess she knew i wanted to scream at my dad.think she also wanted.cause we both were like,'wth'...went back to the rm to pray,did my 40DOP and sleep.feelin lousy.

ah!today's the start of our 40dop!!its at my house somemore..how cool is that?im really glad that our church have taken this step of faith..bringing friends and all.haha..have to start reading when i get back..even when im in melaka!

anyway,later im goin to have 4hrs break!sooooooooooo long!cause i have like 3 hrs lect on mon and is cancelled!darn..hmmmm..and this really screw up my plans really..irritating!

well,im really busy lately.and my com keeps givin me probs!stupid modem thingy..but thankfully is kinds fixed nw.kinda tired cause talk to flo for till quite late..yea,till i was so tired i was talkin nonsense!felt like it was worst den being drunk!even if i had to much drinks,im the quiet sort.we were talkin abt church when i was so tired tt suddenly in my mind i was thinkin abt HK,and mafias and i said it out?!wth..haha..

so glad tt my common tests are over!woohoo..its its CNY.talk abt celebrating!hmmmm..but during this time i have certain issues to think abt.in depth.i think i must say this is prob the loswest pt in my relationship so far.lots of things are appearing and im kinda at a lost.at times i really hate this sort of feelings like when they can jus bore u down emotionally,mentally.things didnt seem so complicated but its jus so.the course of true love is never easy.or it is man who are the ones who makes it so??cause of what our individual thinkin and expectations. is that what makes each of us unique as what people say.feel at times it gettin so hard bein a christian as i grow up.morales,principles,integrity clash,thoughts clash,religion also clash.super emo.right nw,i feel like givin up.temptations are definitely no play thing.

father,help me to be more like u.forgive me.im truly sorry.i want to commit my relationship with jeremiah into ya hands.it will only go to the places tt u have been.it will not go to places u haven been.bless us that we do things to glorify u and pleasing in ya sight.grant me the strength and use me to be a light to others that they maybe able to see u in me.in christ most precious name,amen.