im procasinating!goodness me!!!i owe the worship team like the whole songs list..and i haven come up with one. freak..why of all people me having to lead worship with team B!? need to do like good ppt too!!haiz..die lah.

hmmm i duno what to react upon receiving the letter. i got news from RMIT university? well, i got accepted into the local side. ok, i know i dun sound the least bit like enthusiatic or rather maybe so far, only 1 knows-read the letter. but have absolute no comments nor expression of happiness or anything!? how sad is that..my dad. i was sort of beamin with joy (part of me) but the was like unsure cause still waiting for reply if i could skip attachment(which is 1 yr) and prob i might land myself there for a year jus to study. probably to also get away from everything-though i dun think its a fantastic idea to jus run off. when i run, everyone says me. when others run, its seem darn ok and im the only idiot who tries to persuade but land up lookin 'crazy' to them. absolutely unjust. anyone wana be my lawyer to help me fight justice here? i have no money though so a volunteer lawyer who has to do committe services might fit the bill. pathetic. kind of sad how my people i love the most react to my piece of news.

i probably realised that whatever news that comes ya way esp those happy ones, ya loved ones are sad, the piece of news just seem not to interest or cheer them up. or at least, a word of congrats frm them would be nice(doesnt matter if u're unhappy-courtesy?). i can probably see why psychiatrist says that is good sometimes u express a 'certain expression' (like a care/concern/love..etc) is healthy and it helps. but maybe due to our whole-cultural-bit-more-conservative type is not really encouragin the idea either. hmmm, can see that by expressing u can help the person re-affrim tt u're truly happy for them, or least like somewhat glad that made it. eg: goin into uni. i jus feel like im so blessed exterally with a big house and everything but when my loved ones are troubled or like upset, so i will be too. no amt of money can buy tt kind of happines and security i always hoped. its priceless.

im so in love with this song tt i blogged. fell in love with it the moment i heard it- it was love at first side. im so hhhhaaaapppyyy tt i figured out most of the chords to make out the song. heh. genius, huh? ay guys, dun have to say me. i know u would wana have part of the passion too.. haahaha..

over the weekend till nw is like shaky. any moment the bridge would jus break. sometimes i wonder why God likes to put me thru all the stuff at one time?yet after all, maybe im jus paranoid nw. expecting too much frm such short a time after all tt happen. jus hope things will turn out better den before and well, jus the best i guess. i hope things can turn out the way i hope to be. funny how i sometimes feel nothing but when i feel something, its so deep and seem never ending. it was funny how things can start and jus end in a the most dramatic way. funny how we try to hold to things which concerns ya future when pple would jus rather let it go and not believe and to have faith. i really cant understand and grasp this aspect and how different views on this issue can vary. its really a eye-opener.

still quite badly shaken from my incident last nite.

had a job interview today? guess the jobscope is most of less like receptionist? have to meet various consumers ranging frm big bosses to taxi drivers and all. so gota dress like really formal casue im at the 'frontline'..well, wad a time if i get the job. only 5 days..for now.

weekend seem to pass like eternity nw. every sec is jus movin so slow that sometimes i feel so irritated. i guess i held a dream once but its over now. some things are better left unsaid. so im jus leaving the things the way they are. all i know i tried but guess it didnt work out. im jus back home sweet home.

i jus came back from malacca. always had the blessed time to enjoy what i call, the ultimate good food. for a change, everything tasted so good compared to singapore food. ahhhh..yummy!oh man,i miss the food. i think i gain weight!!!!hahaha..ops!

well tired, dun wana think abt lotsa of stuff. so nite everyone!

i went for my aunt's funeral last nite. kinda brought lotsa thoughts to me abt life. how we lived it and etc. how hurt my uncle was, kept crying. im really touched when i heard him say tt though on papers she's his ex-wife, but she still his wife in one way or the other so he never went to look for another person. guess saw the softer side of him, i thought he was always pretty critical abt quite a no of stuff. i did feel something after lookin at my aunt when i paid my last respect. initially i did jus feel abit, jus a pitiful loss cause she was exceptional talented lady, fast-learner and pretty too. but after lookin at my uncle,my godma who cried abit lookin at her, i felt a sudden sadness washed over me cause i really started to reminiscing e things(crafts) she had learn and gave to others as a joy gift. she gave me a miniture piggy,made out of stocking and think..i duno how she did it. cool, huh? remembering how she came to my house, gathering all my aunts to make mooncakes. mind u, she only learnt it once. she did it like almost perfect. images of the flour- faces of all the ladies in e kitchen was kinda funny. but i found out some stuff quite shockin yest. i guess in some parts as i heard it, i really gave thanks tt im a christian. glad that as i die, i know where im goin and all. for her, though she did accept christ once, but learning romans and other things, im really not sure where she will be. she's only 43.

but what really scared me was when i realised in some ways her character was like dad's. though not as bad, but for a moment, fear gripped me tightly. i felt it wrapped ard me like some python squeezing its prey out of breath. i started to realised how fallen short my family was in some ways nw. i woke up, found myelf having a sleepless nite. found myself lookin at this gift on my parents bed. it has 4 cats joined together. its those wooden blocks, fixed it like a puzzle. what caught my eye was the piece of heart in the centre holdin all the rest of cats together. love is the heart. without it, prob all the cats will have toppled and it will never be together.

i duno why, dad in bali, but no calls from him? i've been sleeping with mum in the same bed. i did like e freedom of fresh air and relaxed atmoshpere for a while. yet, every morning i wake up, there's a fear inside me. afraid of what the future holds for my family at the rate it is goin. waking up to believing the week was almost too good to be true till..probs again. i feel maybe i made a big mistake in this decision i made before. i guess i can see why its prob benefitial. it jus me cause of how the past influenced me to build this 'instinctive-protective wall' ard me. guess it jus causin more hurt.

i duno what to feel right nw. haha..kinda pathetic really..first like goin to rmit uni but locally based so not much chances of finding a job.. so thought maybe shld jus start with tuition but nw have a change of plans. maybe goin to aus, melbourne to study the rmit there. kinda hate the idea of leaving my cell, family and dear for a more "recongnise" cert.. seems like a dread to me at times. havin to start life frm scratch, building a foundation there, making friends, church..etc. i duno what to say really. i cant say like cause im afraid that my friendships here..by the time i come back, feelin outcast cause i missed out so much. afraid tt my relationship with jere will hit the bottom cause of communications prob. prob the list goes on..dun wana face a breakup while im there alone or find or something else. i've absolutely no idea how to solve all these things. yet at the same time, comfortin my mum..an irony cause yeah, sure what happened in my family, sure does affect me in one way or the other. insecurities and stuff. i wish maybe i had all the and in my hands so i didnt have to go thru this feelin of 'sian', trying-to-figure-out-what-to-do thought. can someone help me out..im jus feeling down right pit bottom with no clue on how to go abt this right nw.

guess on the brighter note, bye to 56k. im graduating from it..movin on to wireless broadband at home. so next time i'll be surfin the net in the comfort on my bed. heh. cheers to the upgrade.

what a downpour right nw..and such a melocholy weather to match my mood and thoughts. feel so alone in a way. jus kept praying and seeking comfort frm God. i tried to tell someone but well, i know probably his prob is way bigger than mine. i really didnt had much rights to demand anything but to only feel disppointed as i wanted to talk to him only to find out both are emo and whatever i typed over sms, is pretty much overlooked. ahhh, but then, i on my way to change for this relationship so i guess this is one of the greyareas that im changin my thoughts. controlling my actions and words. also, his probs are much more serious and i dun think i shld be adding to his worries. so like what i learnt and still learnin, to put a mask (may not be totally) wherever i am to anyone. only to God, i will bare my myself. i think i had a tear formed in my eye when i was thinking abt it while on my way to badminton. but im still feel really well.. i duno whether to be sad or happy with the piece of discussion i had in the afternoon.

im feeling a mixture of feelings. like a bottle filled with different types of sand. each grain has a outstanding texture. each a different feel and characteristic. each feeling that passes through me is so individual. its not the type that blends in and u know why u feelings this way. like i mentioned, i duno if to be glad or worried or happy or overjoyed. there are so many things maybe better left unsaid. i duno what to do or feel. its jus became so sudden. i will miss home and the love im getting at this moment. yet, sometimes, i feel you can help me. if you wanted me to be home, i will be. i hate this kind of decisions at times. its like education is of utmost priority. yet, relationship and friendships are important too. its jus also of another kind of importance. im not sure if im making any sense here. gtg nw.. have to write some emails to settle at least some parts of the issue.

..dear lord, help me not to feel this way, help me to be happy and compose esp in front of him cause i think it makes him happy too. at least i know he's happy i feel good in a way..

the best mother's day i had in years i have in my life. for once, i knew any gift i could have given to my mum is nothing comparable to the night when we broke down some more 'walls'- after a huge riff with dad.

all my years i think i've looked up at my dad with admiration and in awe like his achievements, his family background and etc. i have told myself he was my 'benchmark' if i wana make it in life. but as i grew older, i realised i was not him. we had different paths laid down for us by God. yet i knew deep down in my heart, cause to the unforgivable and and hatred past, he has tried to be the best dad- one with no mistakes. one with the know-it-all knowledge. one with inborn authority and leadership with people.i could see his efforts and love. sometimes maybe i 'die' tryin so hard to impress him, wanting to convince him i was growin up, in own identity, own character, own set of trials of lessons by God, wanting to show him my decisions. i know what i needed for myself, what i want in certain areas in life. yet, it seems so wrong whenever it came to guys or studies or like whatever things.only things he cant achieve, he feels proud. like my track and field. recent results and all. i felt good. i felt loved. i felt top of the world. i felt able to impress my dad i could have the ablilty to conquer the world. sometimes i feel like doin things to get his attention. when i coudn't i tried so hard to get it from somewhere else. it was not satisfyin and never filled the empty part.

that night, when i broke down cause i couldnt believe i didnt had my dad's approval of quittin a job, hence the whole judgement abt my degree i was goin to take, like i cant do anything at all in the future. cant take hardship. i felt crushed. i felt i was never up to his standards. always enjoying life. but i dun think he understood the pressure of being student. i was thankful i didnt receive that kind of pressure singaporean parents give. but i was born with a instilled duty to wana do well to prove to my parents despite not being a genius or like some high flyers.

this was the moment i had always dreamt of in my life. everytime i think abt it for the last few nights and in time to come, mum came in to my room to talk to me. to comfort me when i shld be the one to comfort her. i cried and broke down, for once i told her things i had observe in the family,things that upset me. but these are the words tt made me loss of words.i didnt know how to response nor react but feel loved, like a little young baby. words tt made me know the power of love. she said these magical words, " i am always supporting you. on your side. and i have always love you cause you are my daugther. you're the only one i have nw. in this home." oh God, i swear when i heard it, i melted away like ice that has fallen to the ground, in summertime when the sun warmth is shining brightly. i felt ashame cause i have been so caught up in observing dad,tryin to impress him, i didnt notice my mum's agony. worries. whether she needed someone since my dad was sort of neglecting her and her feelings sometimes. i could only hugged her and cried on her shoulder to show something which i cant explain the feelin deep down. all the love. all the comfort she was giving me. all these while, how she supported me like a mum that i had always wished for in the movies. i had one all along. how i can not thanked God? my mum is the greatest and she is my inspiration nw i have found a person whom i had her attention all these while. nw, i wana strive at my best to keep her happy. make sure i can be her best friend and her little girl at home. someone whom she can turn to, rely on. no more extra worries and i hope to do well so i can support mum so she can relax. im growing up and i think im always her gal. always.

thank you mum. i love you so much.

finally a may entry- prob nothing much but a list of not-so-happenin events..

- got a job back at avery but quit due to the labour-rous job(suitable for guys). thks my colleagues and pals who have to keep convincin me tt is not meant for me, makin the right move & all. but yah, to my closest pple, they think i cant take hardship. without even knowing my job nature- jumpin into conclusions. yes, i overheard their conversation. it was saddenin. heart prob cracked into 2. nw, i have to find a job, even tuition didnt seem feasible to them. aren't they suppose to be glad that at least i know what i wana do for the next one n half yrs if i make it to rmit-local? sigh.

- found out to some people that Christianity is only some historical, lit text and the power of the world is within the human chain in the workforce. no pple,no money?...dun ask me how they got the analogy. so, God is a religion to comfort yaself when u die, lest ya soul have a place but other den that, IT is only mythical and source of comfort. maybe its such a blesphemy to say such things when the soreignty is His.

- currently, feelin the blues of a certain past which does not involve me but yet, affectin the present times. i feel that sometimes i not as loved compared to another person. she always seem to have a soft spot in his heart. i feel kind weird everything having to hear her name and like they seem to be rather close. yet, the irony is that i cant forsee him like a fling behind me. oh well, i know guys. its jus me.. but i cant help it lah. i jus feel weird everything i've to talk or even hear abt her.

- reminiscin the old times when i emailed him, havin to miss each other. yah we still do but the feelin to kinds diff. is this mature love? honestly, bit boring though. so many thoughts afloat abt those beginnings when we were together. back then, we were so madly in love. im glad we still are. somewhat, i jus simply missed the emailin session with you. duno why- guess its the emails.