was i harsh on terms? 6mths still harsh? i guess maybe i can only last till then. but lookin at it seems like, making him think about it its also making unhappy. yet, i dun think i wana not tell him i still like him. i dun wana live with that regret. but yet, just reading it seems..wrong either. i just duno if i should just give up on him. yet everytime i read his blog, i'll just go soft. i cant fight for it. am i forcing it too hard? he said there was too big the difference between us? are friends just right? even if it didnt happen now, it will still happen later cause he already notices what are the things i do?probably just pile it up?guess all i wanted to know was he was worth the wait. i just wanted encouragement from him personally that i didnt see wrongly cause somewhere he was still there. still can sense it. but then again, there's always that chance that i am the blind one. why do i regard God's answer so greatly? but yet things just turned otherwise. maybe deep down i may say i'll give myself another 6mths-12 dec 2005, but i know there was always tt deeper feeling of waiting. but just numbing myself, to put myself in denial. its funny how i really miss hi, not able to see him for a mth. maybe he wanted his single life back. i was just in his way.

he goes somewhere and somehow he's not coming back. he had slipped away. im crying while reading his past emails to me. it was then. i had been the one who is too naive. we do have to conform to the problems around us. i sometimes thought if love overcome problems, we just needed to believe. i thought trust had to be hard earned. maybe im wrong. maybe im just too naive to hold and fight that faith. the sun will never shine upon my face again. that blissful feeling. it is gone. maybe he's right. we can never go back to where our feelings were. i was the only who didnt mind changes of the problems so long feelings are still true. to know i was still one part significant in his life. what i fear the most that the problems around us becomes the reason the feelings change. and it did. but i guess he moved on to his new area in his life which didnt need me. i was just needed in the past. if he cant cherish me, then i guess maybe there was not much of a pt praying and looking hard to believe in that love once more. i was just the plain naive girl who believe in his characteristics who..just wanted to know if he was someone whom she can trust with her life. her inner most thoughts, dreams and feelings.

tears only exists in the present. i can never make him happy. i didnt have that calibre that i thought i had. hoping 12 july will better. i will just glance at him to believe probably he's happier without me cause i wont be making him in a difficult position. then walk away. with that loneliness once again. returning to that shell. to that secluded place which took me almost 3 mths to walk in. i was not in the position to hope. why should i even dare to hope? i duno. maybe he didnt want me to hold on at all. maybe i was beyond his reach also. i changed too. maybe that hope didnt exist at all. i am in denial. he will never be happy with me even if we got back together. i couldnt do it at all. to probable feel that pinch of pain when there was someone else for him next time.

but this feelings all too familiar. too close. to that shell that i once almost decided to lock myself in. to always know i still love him was maybe better than to know that we didnt had the chance. at least i still look out for him and catch him when he falls without him knowng. i chose the path and God can use his back-up plan for me. thank God for free will. i dont think he will save me now. in time to come, the shell is where i return fully. 3,6mths?less than that? under the stars, i will try to catch for him, so his wishes may come true. to gaze upon the night sky filled the stars, is where my wishes will stay. hoping it reaches to God. to try to believe a miracle. hope and faith. it maybe also didnt exist for love either. i thought i understood what he meant. maybe i didnt afterall. it is only all maybe. nothing substaintial. the words he type once before to me. it can only stare and pierce thru my eyes...

"..i am not going to let you go and not going to give you up so hope you dont give up hope on me.."

im nothing but just a memory. i wasnt as close i thought i could be. what am i to say? i thought when you scolded me "silly", i just felt like i was in the past. i get up in the mornings to talk to him casue i felt loved and happy. yet today, the truth is, you changed to the pt that i wasnt as important to you anymore. everything else is except me. all the these things you did, i thought i still stood a chance, when actually you didnt want it any longer. i thought you wanted to understand me better when you asked me how i felt and all? i thought i still meant to you in such a way there was still a chance. but afterall, i was nothing more than to just fill that one part of your life of being attached or in polytechnic. i thought when you said we had to work out issues on our own, we had a stand. maybe we would get back. if you wanted me to wait while u solve ya issues, i would. but the fact is you doesnt want me anymore is it? what can i say? no amt of words i type nor say here will bring you back. who cares what i feel cause no amt of love will bring you back either. you changed so much that you arent the miah i fell in love with. that miah i knew and love was gone forever. he wasnt goin to return. there wasnt a future for us though i still there is. yet i still made a commitment that i would still help and love you for who you are. no matter what you become. now, i would have to bear with the fact that next thing i have to see you with someone else. im nothing,absolutely but just a fading memory. i was never going to be real again. i duno what to do. i really dont know.

that friday shouldnt have happened. i wont have lost you then. im not happier without you. i lost that happiness..i lost that love. i am never going to be as truly happy when i was with you. everyday i miss you. everday i wake up, i asked myself i still love you. i still do. now i lost you. what i feel will not make you come back. yet i always had a image when we would be back together. it will only take a miracle for that to happen. i will never find that happiness without you. without you, jeremiah. never will. again.

am i only a burden to him? making him more unhappy cause the hard truth is that he doesnt care about our relationship anymore? his priority for the relationship was never there. i was never that top 5 nor 10..its always somewhere below? is it cause im just the least important to him? that im not the person he wana commit to?im only part of the exploration adventure? so many ques tonight. tears came thru tonight again. im only missing him so much. yet, it hurts cause its only sad to know that the person probably needs more than just a reason-pple who still believe in him and something, cant believe in himself. not fighting for it either. i just.. simple just love him him still. maybe a lie would just do the trick. maybe. i have to consider. think hard.

still..loving you.

all this while. i thought i changed. tryin to understand what is it like to have an a sibling. the biggest hurt is when someone tt comes up to ya face to tell you:"you can never understand". i admit i cant as much. but how much can u understand tt i cant experience and have the real kind of feelings that siblings can share. i cant believe im breaking down and crying now. i cant believe jere said that to me. i cant believe he can understand and said that. yet, he doesnt find out what i feel. what i would feel. a simple call. never came. a simple meet up also never came. i dun why that sentence hurt so much. differentiating me so much from the world where other pple can have siblings. yeah. i guess i can never understand. i guess i never will. that, im also judged. what happened to the jere i knew? he doesnt even bother to find out from my friends how i feel. he doesnt love me anymore? yet, this morning i thought i was numbed from what i was hoping for.just knew i love him deep down.but today concern my pride about an only child. that sentence do hurt like someone just shot in the head and im like dead. all because i tried so had to fathom and understand, till i was judged in the relationship. all the hopes i lived for. beliefs. and love i held dear. its broken. im the failure. all becaue i cant have a sibling to understand. he doesnt even know how a only child feels. doesnt even call to to know. it all about him. who is this person whom i thought i was helping, but had built otherwise with my own bare hands. he doesnt knows my reasons why i cant be friends with him. cause i knew he would just treat me only a friend when i still love him deeply is the main. all the hurt i can forget but not this nature of me bring an only child. its a nature that makes feel and think like an only child. i cant help it sometimes. yet all these while, he never believe we could make it. it was still,'i cant assure its what you hope for.' its only seem like he just so bent on going off. that 1 yr and half just doesnt have anthing worth to figtht and believe in. no one to really tell him. to him whatever i say its just to hurt him.

oh Lord, dry my tears..heal my heart. let me forget what he said to me today. it hurts so much.

all the nightmares came true. its happening.

sometimes i feel like the stupidest dork that ever existed on planet. i wonder if he ever took me seriously. or rather, seriously ever think abt what i say abt him sometimes or to him its just something to critisize him. the things i say or try to help him out. is it only when he goes for camps and with friends only then he will understand some logic? i wonder why he got me as his girlfriend before. i wonder he was expecting someone else from me when we got into the relationship or did he just wanted to just change my perrogative towards guys and not cause he loved me-so he said and really believe in it. im curious why he enter the relationship for when he doesnt want to have any strings attach-no commitments? im puzzled why im still accepting a guy who changed and it wasnt the miah whom i fell in love with, but yet, he so drowned in his perspective abt me,thus judging me and "expecting" someone else to emerge from within me? then comes along the line- he was afraid of my past when he knew even when we were dating. what he knows is not even a full history. to learn that letting go of the past is one thing. but its the past that makes us for who we are today. just to absorbed in his own world to open his eyes to notice who are the ones who need help. so blessed yet taking it for granted. i dont know this miah. too bad. he's way too in his own world. which is impossible cause he cant see past that fact that everyone will change. am i still an idiot waiting for him cause i still love him for who he is? last fri i was like jumping stupid with happiness cause for once he msg me on his own accord. i was shock and beeming. yet i still feel hope while he just donest care abt me anymore. why?

ahh one of my friends called me to run for a mixed relay. 4x100m. should i!!?its on sat..morning..thinking thinking

cool, rainy morning. later i gota do housework! oh man.. sometimes i just dread the idea of it. then later, i may have to go watch 'batman return' again?! wayne just got book out and he was willing to pay for me..hahaha.. yea but im really tired cause last nite i didnt sleep well again! argh, i need my precious sleep! sunday, im playing for worship! yey.. my guitar and me again. =)


in the meantime, really spent time praying and talkin to God. just hoping and asking for guidance in my walk with Him. but last night i had a train of thoughts about faith while chatting. i think there are times which im quite badly shaken, but i think my 'mini' exercises of faith came in handy cause honestly, i think there's nothing wrong in me having this faith. i dun think anyone i know would actually be as strong faith as me. i dun mean to brag but yeah, in certain areas. there must be a reason to why i was given my name( yea, i know its common but..im just the special individual which makes me!) and the meaning of it to apply it in my life. there's a plan to why i put love as my priority along side with my integrity and priniciples. though i think they are pple that dun think like i do, but i respect them for it. but what i dun get it is like some of these pple are my friends. they sure really dun have much respect for how i am. there are occasions where i feel tied down to their thoughts and convictions that sometimes i dun really know who i am momentarily. somehow it feels like there's an obligation somewhere. but i figured, this makes me. so my integrity, priniciples, values, faithfullness and love is what makes me for who i am. stop changing me. cause only God has that authority. you dont judge me. cause im not judging you, but respecting for who you are.

You are my fortress and strength; whom should i fear? Your promises endures forever. I am complete in You, Lord. May Your great works be filled with praise.

everyone has been asking abt you. missing you. still believing in you. dont know why.

today is renewal of faith. i felt so much better after night. i decided to pick my guit up today again to play for God. i think i was just absorb with what i should do instead of what i can do for my Dad! sorry papa! practicing later also k?? cant wait to play for You. i do hope everyday is like tt for me. i think my health might improve if not haha..most to most i might land up in hospital one day. at the rate im going- probably anaemic? i duno. will check it out soon.

yest i had a lesson on how to choose the right partner. ahhh..i dreaded the topic. but uncle joe was hilarious! unfortuntely, i was ultra stone and tired. like brain-dead until i was like the ultimate sotong in the grp. shall not repeat what happened but i was just the joker for the day. sob! but it was ok, i sort of the knew the basic like what i was looking for in a guy. the type of love which i held kind..etc. but maybe its see how the next 2 sessions. well, cant believe at my age im still having to hear this kind of thing. but with uncle joe, think its like refreshing to know the guidelines again. oh well, i still havent lost hope in him. haven given up on him yet. cause think we still can. in the race-faith.

to him
i just feel like giving on myself today. giving up on what i believe from my cell, church downright o commitment. what i had a trust and believe in him too. im just started to believe that he is so happy now. without me. while im just a total contrast from him. just the opposite. i just wrote a whole chuck of lost hopes but didnt publish it. instead i just pasted to another place. if i wanted him to be happy..den yeah, i guess he cant wait for me to give up hopes on him returning also. it probably be the best news he will hear. i guess its even wrong to just try to protect or love someone more. i guess he doesnt even wana meet. probably in his dictionary only pple must ask him out. not the other way ard. something he never learns and understand. i dun think it really affects him how im feeling at this moment. i dun think it also affected him much when we were together. to him i was too dependant on him. i just have to feel this way though i still road ahead of us. when all i needed was just for him to understand, faith and believe. till now. i have never given up hope on him. i never did stop believing we had what it takes to get the engine going, to where we could be. but he never believed we could. it was always just a maybe or i duno. no security so cant take the risk.

i think i fell off the cliff. seriously just heading for the ground, bound to just crash and die. there wasnt a miracle or such thing as love tt exist. cause from the start he always doubted me sub conscienciously tt i can never do it. he never really trusted me or what i say. so much for the word trust. though probably on the verge of giving up hopes him returnin, but i dun think i will stop liking him. yea, just really love him lots.

to you
im so sorry i had to shared it with you last nite. i know it was not ya intention to make me feel this way. its just i really regarded u and the rest as like a family too. it hurts to hear some stuff at the wrong time. and i think the words are just coming wrongly to me. but its that vicious cycle abt right timing and words. i know u are at your wits wnd also tt's why i never wanted to tell u all anymore how i was really deep inside. cause i didnt need another thoelogical lesson to what i saw and had faith in. tt it was scary to fight for hope which only i believed in. it was worst when it seem like i had to get rid of a hope which was my pushing and motivation factor in life, something i believed in so much and "get rid" of it just for the sake of being happier which im not. u were the few that i could turn to. something was in tt hope which brought me close to Him and to live it as a testimony. something i wanted to share to pple who couldnt believe tt such a love can still exist among pple with today's society and culture. but i think i just fell into that lot with them. and i can erase things said to me. but things may and may not be the same again. but if you knew me well enough, all i ask from u is to believe me when i say if will try, means i will. he couldnt believe me. im not the type who harbour long grudges or built up stuff. its just now, nothing comes out right. i only can say, if u believed and have faith in something will happen, it will. tt's a promise. faith is something you either have it or you dun. either take tt step or u dont. something which he also believe what i say. i dun try. i take it or dun. usually i take tt leap.

just suffocating drastically. seem to be caught in the middle of honesty and out-of-concern feelings. i really have no idea if i should tell the truth and prob wait for a scolding and den realised i probably didnt have a chance anymore cause to the other may be so insulting when to me its out of concern, hence maybe why i inflicted the past. yet, being honest, i will just mistaken for something else instead of my intention- i cant express myself well enough? guess so. so both ways, seems not to be the option either. guess there was no difference if i tried to say it out- would not change anything. it feels more like digging my own grave and blowing my chances. he was not going to believe me anyway. it has always been the case. so, hide the reason why i inflicted my past. guess its my choice. it was happening not because of feelings. its was just more materialistic things. it gets bit frightening and insecure. esp when things are like happening again the 2nd time ard. exact same thing. so much for trying to forget T so i knew exactly who i was feeling for and concentrate on him. solely on him. yet, i cant tell him why i was so protective over him casue i saw something happening(again) in fear of losing him. guess he wont be bother to ask me either, let alone to meet up. dun even know if he wana see at all. dun think he wana meet too. yet im hoping for something though im feeling how he feels now. just.. oh well. shall not say.

i need to be vindicated here. seriously. help.

yesterday, during sermon, i was jus like emo and yet touched at the same time. it made me realised that the father i had always wanted to seek approval, attention and independence from, had always been beisde me. maybe i do want my earthly father to sometimes compliment me, so i know if he was happy with me. hoping he could see how i wanted to be independant in my decision- making. i knew what i was doing and what i wanted for myself. but i had a heavenly Father, who just simply love me for who and what i am. no matter what others said abt me, i cant get it right in my decisions, i was not a good enough daugther, spoilt and etc, there was Him. a competent Father, who wanted me to be happy by giving me my heart's desires and promises. He who can change things around when it seems impossible(probably like now my relationship with jere). sympathetic to my needs too? a God who can do anything. a consistent Father who just knows who i am, what i can do and my strengths to use as tools do His great works. whom i can just base on faith-and-trust relationship. a caring Father who knew what i was goin thru. a close father whom i share a intimate relationship with.

"your ablilty to put yourself in that person shoes and always putting your cares for others before self, is your greatest strength. but it will also be your greatest weakness when you fall in the pit because no one will realise your intentions." - by dad 2 yrs ago to me. how true.

i dont know what else to expect from him. really. now, its becomes T is involved. how i inflicted my past to him. i think its jus a scar. it will always remain as i cant possibly trust someone totally until like perfect trust like God's. jus talked to him. i guess he has to learn things the harsh way. faith. i always believe faith is jus abt either staying in your hole or just walk and believe God can change that. he said he did missed me but it wasnt like before. i dont even know why im fighting for something i feel is worth to me. i cant even understand why he shld be like me self-secrificing and stuff. tha's is my trademark in relationship. tt area i cant expect him to give me the same thing as i can. jus the love and appreciation from him is fine. really. jus dun take me for granted. when there's a prob, things ard him change while my cant. i thought the difference is why we came together cause of the strong pts each of us held. let me think, i like him for a few things. funny and irritating with his jokes. corny? importantly, cause he had faith and trust in God abt most of other things except relationships. the way it goes, i might not even stand a chance at all cause its still i-duno answer. yet i have dreams we would come back together so much stronger for God. a path that God has called us to walk. but i think i feel much like a lone ranger fighting alone. i always had my hopes up thinking that it might be getting somewhere. working on that faith only to realised that he was workin something so impossible. forgeting things happened? forgeting i duno what else..and it wasnt the faith and believe that we both can share. guess for now, its just my stubborness in my beliefs. probably will start askin myself why im born with this trade since it cant get my anywhere either. ahte being stubborn sometimes.

Everything in its time - Corrine may
Sometimes i wonder what lies ahead
How long til my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town so many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and i try to prayin the silence i can hear Him say,

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like that i'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasonswhy i should give up
But i'm stubborn in the things i believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to the patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan, one i still cant see
A little surprise, like your love in your life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to the patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

ah wth..i slept back 4 times and 4 times i had terrible nightmares. one i dreamt i became lesbian!? uh..wth.. so tired and sleepy. crap. i also woke up feelin there is no hope already. but yet every mornin, i still wake up to the feelin he is still with me until i've to convince myself no, he didnt want me anymore. well, i cant really hope, can i? den next feelin comes in. wishin and hopin. tryin to be sure of what God told me, believin in His promises. uncertainty sets in finally. the 'i-duno feeling' with not much direction in this area. once complete, life was good, up and downs, it was still good. until nw. i duno why i regard love is high in my life. im the kind of person, without love, im as good as nothing. only 2 friends who encouraged me to hold on to God's promises to me. ahh, tryin. i dun even know its a good thing or not. what if he actually didnt want it anymore? i was jus some crazy gal.. i wana msg him but..afraid tt he might think of me badly at the same time. yet, i wish to hear the words tt-let's get back together. am i in denial? im tryin to look at him not like other guys. still tryin to see tt way. i still prob wont believe until prob the time i jus give up. still have no idea how to seek God for ans in this. i dun dare ask for sign. i duno even know how to. not to even mention my rmit uni. like nothing is settled. hopin and wishin and prayin. jus missin him again. yet i cant sound like a mad person. i think he would jus run away if i told him i still had feelings for him. tt i really still love him. but will it makes a diff even if i stayed faithful..haiz..i cant wait up to the feelin when i know he is still with me.

last nite reuben morgan- awesome, awesome! total coolness. i tell u, omgosh! i jus love the way he play his guit, his voice and his band - total madness lah! but pity it was such a short time he had to end. but i really enjoyed myself cause i met my fairsians pals. it was like a fairfield gatherin! whoa.. den i actually manage to talk to quiet couz who doent like prob even acknowledge me. it was the longest conversation i ever held with him. stupid bunz..my old partner.. jus swanin me away. i did too. idiot. wait i get back at u. last nite flo brought a fren, shw asked me where's my bf- i know flo u're tryin to stop her. cause she jus blarrin away.. said im always late tt's why my bf ran away. what a way to put it..but oh well. it did hurt to know he left already. maybe not worthy yea. im always guessin. but nvm, back to R.M...seriously i jus love his voice. the way he led the congregation was great though u know singaporeans are like abit stone. wish i can tell jere how great the concert was instead of me writin my blog he reads den tt's it. i wish he would tell me abt his camp. we jus sharin things, all the jokes and times. but its only a hopeful thing. it prob wont happen. i realised another thing which i also never really said also, i love hearin his voice. seems like everyday, i think abt him there are more things to realised and know which makes me more in love and yet, regretful. so i shall jus sit and wait. until the curtains opens for the show to start. as promised.

i jus feel like bloggin. this place becomes like my output everyday. i duno where else to go except to God and my other 2 friends whom can understand me. im like kinda cryin cause i felt im the one who hurt him so much. like i scared after tony and i jus did stuff like to protect myself till i jus hurt jere. i jus read a email where i lost my faith and i didnt know if i wanted to relationship cause i was afraid. but he was fightin hard hard for it. nw, i look back i wish we still can try. like above all his probs, my probs, i wished we still had our love to look upon as a good thing. nw i felt i failed him so bad. when i couldnt even handle my own, i jus broke down. causin him to believe tt he cant make me happy and all, had change his feelings, to lose hope in us also. jus when im tryin my best to get back to where i was, there. i lost him. whatever i tried to change also cant overwrite tt fact it was gettin better. understand and allowin time to change us. at least for me, to get back where i was. but nw, who am i to actually ask him back for the faith? who am i to try get him back? though i wish i can..but it seems like nw i would always be a friend and it will always be. i jus miss him. he's comin back from camp. sometimes i wish sometimes something happens. but yet, it feels like he already holds the decision. he fought back for us..while i cant. feel really hopeless. i dun even know how to fight for tt hope. i really duno what he says or do to make me believe or is it cause there was a greater picture tt i tried to see. till i jus believed in it so much. i jus wana believe when he said he still had feelings for me jus yea. but there's no one i really look to. jere was i duno..like my family. my couz found out. shocked didnt know what to say. i jus smile and said,'yea, jus like tt.' i didnt know what to say either. smile- i was jus cryin inside. it hurts so much. again. for a second time. yet i didnt know if i hope or at least i saw something, it would jus be nothing. like nothing in the end.

goin to grands. play my xbox-lord of the rings?heh. so i dun harbour hopes too. least caleb is there to play with. naughty brat but adorable. cant wait for tonight. reuben morgan is here in town. hillsong australia. hope to like tt someday. maybe as a worship leader or jus train hard in my guit, play in the band for God. something im good at. something tt probably try drown myself in it. im like jus back to my melocholic self again in this area. all i can do i wish. jus wishin.

last nite went to watch pck musical.. it was okie, nothing much. only one part which got me really laughin my butt of the chair! it was when pck went to find this feng shui master(acted by Sheikh Haikel). anyway, the pt was this scene he had to come down to the audience to bless pple first before predictin pck future. so as he came down..he jus startin "blessing" pple till he saw 2 pple at the front. he startin goin:"oh mygosh, i feel a greater sense of power here. a greater being in our prescence. these 2 pple are white collared too! holier than me! oh pls bless me instead.." u wana know why? cause last nite event was by St Andrew's cathedral haha..tt 2 pple was the bishop and i think the vicar..haha!talk abt God's power. i wonder if God was laughin at tt scene too cause i thought tt part was darn hilarious!Shiekh Haikel continue anyway to act his feng shui thingy. saw a german guy, asked him where he was from den gave him a 4D no told him how to strike rich..said if duno, pls proceed to ask a local for assitance. haha..den came 2 gals, gave his "phone no". approached another uncle gave 2 4D, said bet 2 big 2 small..haha..really i thought Shiekh was really good for local cause i think it was really impromtu, yet he rapped the whole way thru?

but last nite i jus started to recall so much things. i was at the indoor stadium. things where i thought i got it right. things happened which turn my life ard, makin me believed once more in relationship. but nw it was only jus a..still hopin to live it. but i was tellin jo where i sat with mark, del and her another friend, where jere sat with iain, how i realised abt my prayers i made to be sure abt jere. everything tt happened tt nite. all so cyrstal clear. frm the phone call askin where i sat, to where we meet to go home together. time was jus like a complete standstill cause i couldnt believe how God was so real to me. how after the wrong i did, there, he sent another door to jere. i stood there in awe cause jere was like..i duno someone i did hope i would go with. he was perfect in my eyes, minor flaws didnt really matter. but i was afraid i wasnt the one, i would hurt him and etc. but after the prayer, i tried to trust God my future with jere. but i wasnt scared. i was sure God will take care of us. but last nite, starin the indoor stad, recallin these distant memories, i wanted to cry but force myself not to think abt it. last nite went home, drove past nus, i thought abt him again. den i didnt understand why he felt like the breakup was goin to be better for me. think being ny only child, this loss is so great tt i felt like part of my life is jus taken away never will it be replace unless by the same person. if it was a diff person in future, jere is really definitely someone i really love the most. cause the missin part will always be with him, never replacable.

missin him i am(soundin like yoda!? ha!). lots. yet at the same time, unsure of so many things also. after last nite msg i duno, suddenly jus sat on tt rollercoaster ride again. goin downwards nw. like i duno, somehow i jus wanted encouragement u know, to know his worth. or rather i know he worth tt i really liked him and i felt it was worthy to jus try and wait for him to come back down. yet, i duno somehow i feel incompetent. like i have no idea how to go after him. really duno how. i jus miss him. sometimes i feel there's something he feels too. but den again, i may not know him as well i thught i do. these few days he is in church camp, so jus feel slightly more insecure. though asked him if he was still thinkin abt what i said last time ard..he said yeah. i duno. i dun really know what's goin to happen. but i feel in the past, it already happen. no pt i like try to retify something and stuff. only i know, if i believed, i hope this can be a fresh start. a new beginnin. i know God is watchin us to see what we choose. i still believe his ans to me is given already. nw, this period of time, its a choice. what we choose. we either can believe that this relationship can and will work out cause we did commit it to him, nw its check time. to evaluate. to call us back to him as a couple. to actually, emerge stronger. or, jus believe what we choose its the best for the other party and feel its better this way and choose to live in the past and not to move on. God cant help in this aspect. tt's our priviledge here. freewill. a choice to believe.

another door opened again in other areas of my life. i was being scouted on fri for something like a 'new face' thing. yest the agency called me for interview today. so later im goin down with jo. thank god for my morale support-her. haha.. see how it goes. they are doin something like commercials ads-tv and mag i think. haha.. maybe, if i get in, i got the guts, i'll be on tteeeebbbeeee! i'll pray before i go in to make a wise choice lah yea. and as for my studies, its confirm i can do attachement here. so most prob goin to aussie- aus. in feb. i jus wish maybe there will be jere in my life too. it felt so complete den. i knew he would wait for me. nw, i can only wish. wishin and hopin. i hope i can get him. did i mention last nite i went for jo's band prac..e lead guitarist really looked like jere. i dun like him yea..but i missed jere so much more. i really hope to also one day to serve with him in a ministry as a couple. tt pple can look at our relationship as a testimony of God's unfailin love also.

a dedication to you.

..happy anniversary. 1yr9mths. still lovin you..

ahh..i jus came back supper with wayne, my brudder and best guy buddy. haha, he jus passed his driving and i jus went for a spin with him. it was hilarious adventure..first i had to figure if tt was wayne's car..den we were decidin where to go. he said,"bukit panjang". i was ok,i'll lead the way since i knew the area..den when somehow near a u-turn, we talked abt the location again den he realised oh he said wrongly cause i asked him was it suppose to be bukit panjang or pasir panjang. see the diff bro?!both like diff directions!sotong anyway..so we drove to the hawker to eat. ordered stingray(heh..mouth watering!?) and carrot cake. den he brought me to mt faber! it was nice cause he played jazz music den we both were missin our 'babies' but only mine was like sliently-i cant say much really. so anyway, the view was really spectacular, it was so sweet said he wanted to bring clarabell up there when she came back..awwww...wayne-a romantic fella! but im his 'sis' i can never tell. he's always haha..he got scolded by bell for like shouting at me in the car cause she said im to treated nicely tonight. so must give way to me..haha.gals backin- always power. thks clarabell! partly i neglected wayne cause i was talk to jo'an also.haha..he so called his gf. haha..sorry. so to continue, we den drove to west coast park, bought mac's ice cream drove ard to pandan loop, some industrial area..den we talk abt something he like swerved his car on purpose-i screamed abit lah! jus like grabbed the door. but we both laneded laughin away..den drove to the west coast part again..but we parked the car,listenin to jazz songs and chattin. i tell the atmosphere jus sorta took my mind awhile. den started missin him again. thinkin how he would really love this ambience. i know he will like it. den both me and wayne were like thinkin how nice it was to like come home, be int he arms of someone u love, sharin this kind of music. tt's what i sorta wana talk abt like in a sibling..sharin the same aspirations for a loved one. but wayne told me, he said honestly if his gal broke with him, he duno what to say nor to tell the world. well..think im already in tt boat. miss my bro! he's goin army today..so take care k?
..unwell-matchbox twenty, tt name 'unwell' brings back memories..

last nite i was so happy like until i could jumped for joy. yey..i was actually asked to be a guitarist in the new band for the 11am service!!! im still scared cause im not sure if i actually could make in the band like im not exactly like musically incline but will so so definitely work hard at it! i was so happy till i could hug jere so tight like jus jumped on him..haha but i guess i cant really share my happiness nw. but i know he definitely be happy for me. i told him how much i sorta wanted to be in the 11am service band. he always told me go for it. i said time has to right and when God wants me in. nw is the time i guess. i gave uncle samat a flashin smile..one of the best things to happen after..stuff.

another talk yest abt my prob. some nw say prob we never prayed together as a couple, i guess its true. how maybe i did initiate sometimes like tt but we never really got down to doin it. even nw we broke up, we also never prayed for 2 of us. its always individually for each other lives and not together. hmmmm..last nite i didnt sleep well at all. i woke early this mornin, sad. basically, jus missin him. jus hopin somewhat. faith- i duno if i held maybe it was jus something i wanted and not what God wants. but i did thought faith doesnt mean it has to be ans yeah but to believe totally it might happen also is tough. i guess what i had tt faith- i duno. i got what she was tryin to say. i jus always thought..ya. but im still hopin. since it was slightly diff from faith. im jus really hopin. in the meantime, God has open a doorway to worship for me. im so happy. i wished so much i could jus call to tell u. if u were there, i would have jus hugged u. im really missin you right at this moment. how i wish i can wake up to see ya smile and love on ya face. i miss those noisy snores too.

..listenin to lifehouse: come back down..missin you.

last nite was like emo emo emo. i cried badly in worship at the church camp.crashed in!!haha..all because i needed was God's forgiveness for something i did to jere. i hurted him so bad. (not very glamourous, huh?) i know im probably forgiven by him but its not like u know where i hope it to be. but i knew deep down God told me its ok. what's done is done. if i held on to tt hurt, i will be jus gettin into alot of trouble. somehow, hearin pastor barnabas sermon was like in a way rejuvenatin? i duno to say my faith is bit restore. Plans He has for me. even some when maybe its the ans already, to jus hold the faith. yest was abt faith and trust. i looked at the aspects when they say what u shld look for in ya partner. it will never work for eg: if one wana be a pastor, the other is a missionary. ahhh..but i dun tink so im callin is in missionary i realised after all. i think i kinda figure its jus emotional feelings when i see a mission and how much help they needed. so actually, i still duno. maybe i shld jus leave to God whether if jere will come back. cause if he cant let go, there's nothing much i can do. im free from tt incident i guess..he will be the one who is goin to think abt it. im goin to clean forget it. its was jus another day. today is where im goin to start anew. feelings for jere will be there. but i jus hold the faith. tt's all i can say and do. i still love him. not denying it. its ok to cry, its ok when things happen. so long u can look at it, tell yaself to let it go, things will be better. im still strugglin with jus leavin it to Him. but i think i've done what i can for nw though yeah i think we can do so much more if we can both let go. im sad but there's still a blockage why i sometimes i cant get close to Him but its jus me on tt. im not very consistant with my daily devotion. hmmm. i only prayed. i still miss him and do love him still. hopin.

..all i want is You..

- happy brithday zal!!dun be so naughty anymore k? thks also allowin me to know and love jere once. u did the introducin so credit still yours somehow lah..-cheers-

last nite my aunt asked abt him. and when i told her like i much of his situation at home, she asked me what happened. was there another person. i guess tt's the only thing i can vouch for him. i was proud of it and i started to tear. God! i duno why. she said its ok to cry. i was alone in the room lyin on the bed hopin today never came. she told me abt the situation well at least ya faith paid off. i jus died. yah it did. but i was never goin to be the same again. cause he too believed it will never be. i made a mistake and all i had was to lost him. all because i broke down to my probs and worries. why did i?! why couldnt i be strong enough for im when he too needed me at the pt of is worries? my aunt was talkin to me. i didnt cry but jus teared cause i was missin him so, so, so much. yet, i knew the probablilty of him back seem even more slimmer than i thought. its so difficult. why a break up? i couldnt understand why it jus ended off like tt without any chance of rectifyin it.

this mornin i woke up. for the first time, i teared on eeyore. i never wanted it to get wet cause i didnt want it to see my tears, sadness and pain. i wanted it to be happy i tried. i jus needed the hug and comfort. its love. and somewhat i was really contented. tried to get myself out of bed. i didnt had any strength. i jus feel maybe i shld jus give up. i cant fight this battle alone. i cant do alone. i jus maybe didnt wana fight anymore since he didnt want it too. days without him seem long, agonizing and more painful with each passin day. yet i didnt know what was the one thing tt really caught his heart so tt i can attract him again. deep down, there was a feelin of knowin him tt he was jus really clouded by stuff happenin. he still had deep down buried feelings for us within. i duno if he didnt promise so if things jus didnt work out, he didnt have to oblige or maybe didnt have to try he feels he cant. i duno. tt part of him suddenly i went blank. but i wanted to believe we still were meant to be. my aunt said if u really believe, u've to hold on. he will come back. it may take days, mths, yrs maybe. i was thinkin, did i even have enough strength? i didnt hear from him. my tagboard when he asked me to take care, im really tryin but there's isnt motivation. friends told me to be positive. keep the faith. he will come back one day. told him to be strong for him nw too. and i was only hopin he came back. aunt asked me,"didnt u hold the faith tt things will be better for him? so same nw.." but i didnt wana fightin this alone. i wanted to know if i meant something to him. i didnt wana give up in a way. but sometimes i feel like it. whenever i thought abt the things he said, im not sure if there was even a cahnce. maybe i shld jus always shine the touch for him. i duno in this matter is one thing i can really take a 'no'. he found me..i duno if i can find him. i duno even know if he will help me believe in tt faith. i miss him. but prob jus only can watch from afar. i jus wish to talk to him. hug him and be with him. tt's all it matters.

today is one week since we walked to different roads. im hopin somewhere we meet again to a single path again.

i feel guilty. he treats me as a friend and an ex but im treatin him more den jus a friend and still my love.

im fightin so hard for this. i duno why..i really duno why. im jus prayin God will make let us have tt chance. i can hold tt faith in Him nw.

in church today was jus like super emo. so many thoughts goin thru my head. things tt i cant seem to forget it. everything was jus my fault. but yet, i had no choice to make up for it and ruined it in the end. i paid this price tt is losin my love. i thought maybe its ok for me..yet maybe after readin his blog, i know it may sound so superficial, but i saw my name. it wasnt 'my love' anymore. its so funny how one moment someone enters your life, gives u tt magical feelin and how suddenly also it can jus leave without much..i duno. i wouldnt say its its easy but looks easier for them than it is for me. i am really beginnin to think tt he seem so much happier without me. all his days seem to be so much better unlike when we were together. its entries were jus so negative. yet today i felt the most useless person in the world cause i prayed and tried to believe but yet, i couldnt take away his worries and etc. im a failure. i woke up this mornin thinkin maybe i did had a chance after talkin to him yest. i was happy yet at the same time, uncertain if he would actually think abt it and get back to me. maybe he really doesnt need me. im jus..well, painful to say, but jus a lesson and memory left. at least i still can be grateful tt im still on top of the list of links on his blog. ironically, im not any happier without him on my entries. i didnt saw singlehood as maybe a great thing but realising how i got it, wasnt much glam either. i put caleb to sleep today. i thought how great it will be if i could actually have jere jus 'sleepin peacefully' on me. i did feel tt sense of love, tt i could give some assurance rather then pain. i was jus givin pain instead of love maybe. i jus thought maybe jere did love me and there still a certain need but maybe nw somehow, im jus startin to lose the faith and hope. i duno if each passin day, can i take this fear of losin someone so dear..so so dear in my life. even if he did really jus leave, can i actually take it? somehow maybe being positive wasnt so great too. for a moment yest, i could passed the day thinkin maybe i did have a chance though after hearin some uncertain things but i had the faith. all this while i held a faith for him tt things to be alright..and i landed up losin him. what a great thing huh..im not sure. one part of me is glad maybe things are jus turnin right for him maybe the endin was jus "great" for him,lest he's happy. somehow, things maybe on my side jus cant get any worst. im still deciding if i shld jus leave for australia. so many things are holdin me back but only a big factor to push me there. i jus duno. for the past few days, its jus so quiet. so much missin him but no word from him. only yest a conversation (as a friend..while i love him as a bf..hmmm i cant help it) i thought maybe i still had a chance. maybe i do? one moment is like he was tryin to convince me in the past and nw here, im doin the same thing to him but not much avail. i know readin a blog its sometimes rather superficial. forgive me. at this pt, im tryin to fight my faith in tt sign i saw. a belief tt i held so strong. there was tt uncertainty but strangely enough, i did had peace when i thought he was with me still, God still watchin us.

today's sermon talked abt like havin faith, prayin for miraculous signs, healings n etc.. a plea for ans, God's power to be upon like tt situation. to believe and to hold the faith somewhat. yet, i duno. i was jus unsure if i shld asked God again. what if it was jus another ans? what if tt faith jus wasnt it? what if..i jus held tt faith for nothing? what if he didnt came back cause of the factors tt had to be conformed this world and everything? what if i believe nw but i lost the faith along the way..tt i was jus losin strength and givin up? tt i wasnt needed or impt as much i thought i could be? what if everything wasnt true? did i saw so wrong? im fightin to believe i didnt for once. im jus be contented if i jus had tt faith back. i hate it when im missin him and i cant even tell to my dear. agony.

funny how this is only where i really jus pour out without any hesitation. i woke up feelin happy cause he replied to my msg. i felt so contented and happy. suddenly i jus started to dwell how nice it will be if he was still with me. i guess i didnt so much the fact nw i cant him so often cause of his family stuff. but i guess it came too late. i lost him already. i dun think he likes me nw. all i know is how much i needed him back in a way. friends are friends-no offence. but the other party is someone whom i can turn to..differently u know. i was jus really myself when im with him. tt kind of blissful happiness. he brought me so much joy tt i would smile at the thought of it. but yet there never tt chance again. i feel maybe i cant tell too much to any friends cause it would jus look like self-pity. i didnt want tt too..i guess i jus have to endure. praying and hope for the best. i hope he misses me and there will be a day when we can be together again. i hope we can do things together and work things out as a team once again. i am really hopin. im sure we can work things out together. i hope this is jus a coolin period maybe. im jus hopin. all i can is hope.

i was happy this morning cause u replied. i hope there's one day i can hear from tt u miss me too. i hope things will turn out the way i hope it would be. so i'll jus sit and wait for u. catchin many stars for u. when u need me, always turn and look back cause im always behind u. if u need to come home, i'll always welcome u back. still lovin you. miss u.

today was my last day of work. maybe i will go for my youth church camp. maybe i get something out of it.. i duno. hmmmm, i duno why, seems everything tt happened was my fault. it all started with me. if only i didnt..if only i didnt listen too..maybe i wouldnt have been so bad. but what's done is done. i guess the hit, the intention was there. he felt it and decided maybe yah, its jus scary to be with me. im jus a freak i guess? so many thoughts ran thru my mind everynite. yet one thought stood out tt was if he was missin me or thinking abt me.. wondering if i would ever have tt chance to make it up and change. to be more tryin and accepting but i guess im too late to understand the pt. i was too slow in changin. probs jus drowned me and i gave way-payin a drastic price.

seems weird nw i cant even see and talk to him. like he jus disappeared. jus within a snap of the fingers. one moment here, next jus gone. it was jus a irony spendin time with my parents today. its their anniversary. while i was in a 'long-gone' situation. prob never gona have the chance or to know if he still liked me. i feel like im some sch gal with a mighty crush on this guy.. wishin maybe he would notice her somehow. maybe. maybe there will be such a day. i pray. had chocolate fondue jus nw..with dad n mum. its a wonderful dessert..wanted to have it with him too? thought of treatin him tt in our next anniversary. but it will prob never come too. it is suppose to be our 1yr10mths together. i hope to get a dinner with you. at least hear from u.
-happy anniversary dad & mum..glad to see you happy nw while im kinda sad-

eeyore,the next closest thing to jere. it when he tells me if im scared to jus prayed to God and hug him(imagine tt's jere)..huggin me to sleep. i think is sweet though i would prefer the real person. i felt ya presence today like u would sometimes hugged me from behind. i jus felt loved den. so appreciated.

i miss you.

i guess im out of his life. all i can think is him. every sec. den i will wondering if he felt the same way too. everywhere i went, i can picture him. the way he talked, laughed, joked, actions and jus abt him. times we had, were now overwritten with what happened that night only. there was no return call today. and im all alone. in the house. with no one to forget my problems with. there is God. but probably startin to lose the faith along the way i feel...

i had dinner with samuel today. never put 2 depress pple abt love on a appt. we walked and remincised abt the other person in our lives. we talked abt how we cld numbed our feelins so we dun get hurt again. yet when i walked back after alighting frm the bus, i realised there were so many things we've yet to do. ice-skating(he was suppose to teach me how to),havin a meal at fosters(after walkin pass there jus nw) and the thing i had always wanted to do with a guy i love so much: to watch sunrise and sunset. a whole day at the beach. jus in his arms where i cld feel so secure i was his. but im not even near sayin 'thou art yours'. i cant even say to him a hi. not even a word. comin online is like a excuse since like suddenly my world is jus cut frm his. this is mine area where i had the freedom of tears tt im not afraid of cryin and speech tt i cant say to him anymore. when i reached the steps, i jus started to tear. this was where he wld say goodbye to me, to kiss me goodnite and a biggy teddy hug. i had to let it out after keepin it for days.fightin all the days tt seem so long- all those tears and pain and agony. all because i broke down cause of my family so bad. of how i am. well,sorry im too mushy and not at all discreet abt it. all cause im proud of the lovin moments cause i didnt invested my time for nothing. i always wanted to invest my time in my family. my community of people whom i think i can trust them with my life. jus have no sense of directions. frends all in camp so cant be here when i need to make tt phone call to jus know i can be caught when i feel tt i cant stand anymore. for God to grabbed me hard to tell,hug and hold me everything is ok. its ok to hope for the miracle and believe. to have the faith. for Him to say, its ok the hurt im takin it away, no more love trials. i feel so frail, weak and sick.

i could almost related with 'mitch'. "tuesdays with morrie"-i tell you, it jus a powerful book that i can jus read it again and again. lessons tt i can totally sometimes feel i 'mitch': it when i know im lossin morrie to death, yet he gave lessons. best lessons?from the sixth tuesday onwards. day by day, the thought of how much u wanted to do for someone cause u were more afraid of anything..the fear of losing someone you love. whom u can share tt love, to share tt part of ya life and love with. yet to be at peace with the other party desires. maybe he didnt want me to be part of the burden. tt interupptin part of his life when he wanted to be alone to think. all the more, sometimes, i can do that but im human and feelins. i was even more afraid of sayin goodbye. it hurts me more cause he was my brother,best friend,partner in makin fun of pple and lover. he was my love. i wanted to find that particular formula but it doesnt exists. it jus had to negotiate in the loving way. with space for each other unlike business, it is out to win the negotiation. yet i find it so diff cause of my confusion within me. yet i had
special memories that i wanted for it to go on. never wantin for it to stop. love is so different cause we are concern for tt other party as much we are in that situation. -emo-

morrie: when you learn how to die, you learn how to live.

jus 2 days but it seem like darn eternity. i duno how am i suppose to go on with these days..i can only sit,pray and hope things can be better.

i'd travel miles jus to catch a star for you. u should know that. u know i don't mind. u know that. and i hope you didnt mind cause i will still that do that.

fever decided to pay me a visit today. i caught it while havin bs..felt the chill..yet prob not so bothered at it too..maybe i was hopin i can mc tmr or something..but yah..i jus popped 2 pills of panadol..so i feel like korkin out jus really exhausted today. really wiped out. i can feel the chill nw..jus like running through the veins causin my hands to shiver cause really chilly somehow..jus feel like pukin also.

cold.