last nite i cried to sleep. never missed someone so much. but i guess i cried because i only seem like a friend. tt's all i seem to be. am i right to say he lost completely all his feelings for me? it seem like how much a meeting can mean to me but maybe its different for another.. got homework and revision. boring.. not to mention have lecture tonight. ouch!

maybe i guess im only just a friend. probably just me that i thought he still likes me i guess. think he doesnt like me anymore..not much pt if i said how i felt. thought we prob still had a chance. oh well. i can say in my blog. i still miss him. still do. so much.

..guess i can never be with you..

off to buy stationary for uni and go grands. heard the cute fatso will be there for me to take care. guess at least he can melt my heart still. probably study abit too.

!!!!!!!!!!! im making my first sale!!!!!!!! muhahaha.. let the god tidings come!!!! whahahaha! =)

had one of the most meaninful days in my life. probably like calling to be in worship. i had band prac with peche gals today! had a great time jamming and hope we can make it somewhere and hopefully to play for God! yey, then my wish for playing for my Dad and King is like living up. think i was really inspired by Deb Fung. i wrote my first song. kinda kiddy though. but i like the tune. writing another just to get out my feelings. feels good somehow. just me and my guit. hope our band can make it good! think great combi-yan on drums, del on keyboard, me- guit. singers the peche grp!! bassist and lead guit- any FEMALE takers!? sorry boys, we employing ladies!heh.

rushed to school after dinner alone! darn kenneth last min say cant make it. had to eat alone. i hate the feeling of it. but had 3 hrs lecture. hmmm i made some new friends today. which is great. i lost some due to leaving the class and the break up but gaining too. hope our friendship is concrete. its funny how pple looked at me after the break up. like just being cast out. really appreciated fmss more. guess i think the thought starting without miah beside me is like funny too. weird and just missing somewhere.

its an interesting night for me to go thru. i dont know its just like planned out like that or something but it sure brings back so many memories. it seems like i just have to miss a bus and then board a 174 either to school or home. guess tonight was no exception. boarded a 174. look a look ard town at night. remembering i always went out with him and he would be beside me. along the way back home. got off, i took a slow walk back. felt light again. getting used to it. headache and floating. felt a tear coming..somehow i just msged him. but it was like somehow i felt weird having to make myself believe he's just a friend. it was difficult. i missed him again. i missed those times. im not sure if the road had already ended though it doesnt seem like it. like we still had something that i cant see at all. i felt i was nothing than just a friend, yet at the same time i was just 'someone' too. hoped i could meet him for tea but he's not free. funny how thinking if sat i went for sonicfest, but the feeling will be so different. will there be something? it seem like the 2nd year llike had to revolve at the indoor again. where i felt a touch, i felt Him. where i felt a strong love that wasnt going to die from Him and jere. i felt i found something. He told me i found something. but can i wish for that? dont think i have enough strength to pray for another prayer for us to love again. i dont know if there's such a miracle that exists. i thought it did. it happened. but it ended too.

wishing for a miracle. hoping. that lily. that ring. that love. will it even come back? or is it too late?

ive to sleep. but i guess i really miss him. i just have to get it out. somewhere. hoping a wind would pass by to pass the msg. only to rely on Him and nature to take its course. walk by faith.

of course, im still trusting you.

frighten.. worried.. sad..
last nite was probably the worst hit. the pain on my head was so pain(still hurting) till like i cant support myself in a way. just so draining. felt every ounce of strength channelled to mental- to stand up and endure. kept thinking abt track-sprinting and relay trainings to motivate myself. i msg mum, who told me to take a cab back. in school, guess i was having a difficult and uncomfortable time. lucky i had kennth and evelyn there who sort of look out for me cause i was pale and quiet. i hate it when the pain becomes so bad. i hate it so much. came home, condition like worsen. mum didnt want me to take the pill that the doctor prescribed to me. so took panadol instead. next thing i knew, i started throwing up everything. felt so weak at my knees. mum checked on me after 5 mins, i was numbed. went up to bed, told her how i felt and it was just simply tiring. the pain was just there. again the feeling dawned on me, i was 'floating' in bed. even mum who sees me everyday says im too thin. argh! why is this upon me?! hugged eeyore. somehow, it was weird that i noticed something abt myself. ever since the 'thing' happened at home, then whenever im scared, last nite my condition, i would hug eeyore so tightly. its only feels like the jere i knew. the one who believed me and would just trust how i feel. i could share with him everything, without having to know we would argue over nothing, like we once did share to one another. felt he was there. to just hold me and tuck me into bed. i felt God holding the both of us. to tells us to pray together for past grudges to be gone. let it all to Him. but why did i feel so deep for us? why? why? why?

i dont know what happened after that. i only knew i had a last thought before i slept. i just wanted also so much of this misunderstanding to stop. i just so wanted for us to stop assuming. forget the whole thing. stop trying to read each other and trust each other. even what we say. why is this happening to me? why am i the one who has to go thru frm break ups to family outbreaks then to health..what else? wmy me? why cant God test someone else? why do i have to fall sick whenever there's some weird outbreak. why God? i just wanted to be normal, healthy and happy person. with someone to love me. a future. now, i guess maybe its better im alone. but on one hand, i wish i could say to jere that he is here with me right now. sorry for everything, for whatever he felt or thought about me. i dont know that's the way he saw me. all it had to done was to just say and compromise. i can only wish now. next thing, i closed my eyes in hope. slept.

its happening again. now.

..confined at home..

im so so frustrated with my lappy. not long ago my wireless card was changed and now its giving problems again. now i just have to stick to using my mum's lappy. argh. think the moment i find is really the card giving me probs, im sure to really screw ibm way ard! like now im not under ngee ann, this time ard have to go to changi or drop off at town something like that!? probably have to pay for it as well? see if i can make thru without paying! yea yea..im not a cheapo k.. its just like frustrating cause today i start school and i have this problem occuring. so uncalled for.

..never knew
why does it always have to end like this? why is it when i try to more understanding or like be more open to the other person i just get kick in the butt for absolutely which i didnt do or mean it. yet, all the other party would hear is that i did meant in a bad way. when will pple stop reading in-between the lines about what i type online? when pple actually just stop passing judgements on me? why cant i just like someone? why can i just have a nice conversation thinking maybe its possible that we are actually picking up pieces and we can make it somewhere? i probably didnt mind if i was talking face to face/on the phone with the other party and then they pass the comment i am sacarstic with what i was saying? in the first place, what's the pt in tryin to explain myself since to them they just rather believe in their own perceptions abt me rather than i felt or meant? i am all along like that. i never changed that much. why rake up the 'thing' abt me now? why should i get so misunderstood in the first place when i am like that. pple can vouch like i never really changed in my way of thinking nor talking. yet now, i get that comment like i werent like that before. crap. i was and still like that. why only notice now- is it just they can find more things to pin-pt me? just saying pure assumptions which are not even true.

why cant i just like someone who would just believe me. what kind of trust this is after so long? what kind of communication is this? communications, trust, believe and hope and faith is like the basic of all my principles yet its like threading on water. or it probably sank already. it didnt have to happen this way. guess im right. my feelings nor thoughts nor opinions didnt matter one cent to you. its all about you. how you perceive about me. how you think about me. what's the darn pt in tryin to explain to you when you dun believe me. you just never believed me. say what i think? its probably high time we got a middle person. i cant believe all i get for liking someone, tryin to meet his needs, tryin to understand his situation and lifestlye pattern..is just accusations. i never knew this is how badly you thought of me. i never knew this is the kind of mindset you had bottled in your little mind. i never knew this is how you saw me. i never knew you never appreciated what i have been trying to do. misunderstood and accusations is all i had in return. never a thanks at all or trying to see that im still willing to accept you and your flaws. never even a glance on how i never stopped you from doing the things you wanted to do. never even a thought like all i had is just simply good intentions. all that made me happy is just the simple things in life. simply you being in my life. is that difficult to just listen and absorb and trust me? am i not even a friend nor what i used to be a gf to you? i wondered at how many times i said something you dont believed me. i am happy, so happy and comfortable being with you.

never knew. .

argh! super irritated with my com right now. somehow just died half-past-six cause start up very slow and i cant even connect to the net! while my mum's lappy can.. see how frustrating can it be? anyway, i came here to wite some memories.. which occured in the past few days. probably had to let it out somehow without disturbing anyone..

i took a bus to town on fri nite. took a 174. somehow, boarded a bus which seem to be filled with memories good and bad. thought abt jere again. somehow, it felt different. just empty. thought abt the times when i would meet him halfway on the bus, how i would sometimes lit up at seeing him. feeling the anticipation cause i would in him his arms that day? get to spend the day with him, easing off the feeling of missin him the whole week. yet, all the images just flash before me. decided to bury myself in my book. but really cant. i started missing him again, but knowing this time i cant talk nor even be close to him cause i guess im not even like suppose to near him or anything. there wasnt much a pt in smsing i still missed him. had tons of emotions goin thru still. came town. saw the day giving way to the evening ambience on a friday evening. couples holding hands just walking or sitting ard over coffee, talking and lookin at each other, lost in their won world. i was once like that too. with that bliss of happiness on the quiet side. never really showed it. i realised it was hard for me to just be in town. everywhere i went, there was this image of us. i started to thinking abt how we would conquer the whole of orchard by walkin the entire stretch, destination was at esplanade. by then, i was missing him alot. alot. but i knew also he doesnt feel that way anymore. just felt sad i wasnt with him anymore.

met mum and dad for dinner. but the headache came back. i felt i was floating but oozy. but my heart was just numb. i really miss him. till today, in church for a workshop, it was really a great experience with deb fung though i think she sounds like jewel. but i gota say, she's really good and brave. kinda was inspire by her. but anyway, everyone was started asking abt us, before i can even say, started saying like i would gush abt him, his soccer ministry and stuff.. till they realised they were giving no chance to reply, they looked me. i didnt what to say but yeah, we broke off. all quiet. then something had to happen at the attic. i was just caught there.

went to enrol with rmit today. thoughts started again like how i was feeling so much better when i broke away with from my class somehow. felt rather comfortable with jere's class to a certain extent. i felt i was in a 'CLASS'. but it didnt feel right i was startin a chapter without jere anymore. but i guess he is happier starting one without me? just a wild guess. times i wonder why cant i just move on with some pple whom means the dearest to me. yet at this moment, i kinda need him. but i cant anything. i feel so insecure after that 'thing' in my house. i just wana hear jere always sayin it to me like yeah, its ok. think of him. just him to hold me. able to hear God's voice that everything is over. the test between you and him is over. what my faith, trust was ok. that love. that beliefs. but no one really trusted my views anyway. my feelings nor opinions didnt really matter in that situation. to anyone was like i couldnt understand or just adding pressure. but why did it had to happen to me? why cant i just love someone and just keep him. him to accept me for who i am. to love me for who and whatever i am. i am just me.

but it aint happening. all i wish is over jere to come back. but im so afraid of another rejection. so so afraid. im not even near to being his good friend at all. cause the way i feel. yet, i feel so pushed to close the door. so forced to believe there wasnt a road for us anymore. yet.. there's always that yet. i cant deny no matter how hard i try. i just love him and miss him so much.

it just aint happening. that lily. that dream. that.. love.

last few days i've taking care of my pregnant mothers of the guppies..just realised another one pregnant now. stomach really big. one of the mothers passed away while giving birth i think, had 9 babies already. i also have been tryin to keep watch of my business.. taking off really slow.

feeling stone again by the medicine. feeling numbed to some feelings cause i didnt expect it somehow. i dont deserve it partially.

i so wish that i have him beside me esp if what's happening now. i hope we can can clear up the misuderstanding. having God as our foundation stone. i found out the answer if we can came back together. it is going to be not just a better and stronger relationship, but cause God was the main foundation, that made our love strong. it is cause of God that we allow to be patient with each other and honour Him. He would want us to see us happy together. im so wishing for that to happen. i cant hope for more for that to happen.

terribly sick after the medication. so so sick.

sick. flu and sore throat. feeling sick and unwell. both mentally and physically.

who cared when i was happy? i cant showed. even when i say its just a joke. times when i try to say what are the things i like abt you its only a joke. there was never the thought that im happy being with you. who cared when im sad cause everyone thinks like im the one taking things too hard and im suppose to smile at it? u meant to tell me if i was happy u would come back? i dun think so cause it only proves you right, isnt it? who you tryin to contridict? u couldnt lie when i saw your eyes. you were only holding back. you knew what you were feeling. who really cared about what i felt? did u see my point why im feelin sad? u left me is the problem. not you. you left me is the problem. you knew that problems were actually settled between us when we compromised yet u wanted to believe it wasnt. you knew u had me totally, you were never losing me in the first place. yet, when you changed, i didnt break up with you cause i still love you for who you are. i changed, i had to face the consequences of breaking off cause we were different. who are you tryin to kid? why did you had to make things so complicated? you say no one understands you? you dun even understand yourself. yet, im here for you still willing to go thru the thick and thin with you and you wanted to believe in some other gal. dun tell me there isnt goin to be anything happening since she really here for u. am i suppose to smile at it? before, i wake up every morning feeling how blessed i was to have found you but now i wake up everymorning tearing cuase i lost you. how's that? you're still the problem? you were never the problem. you want your space im giving it to you. yet u cant even see why im fighting so hard for you. u just wana deny the feelings. u happier this way? you happier that there's this other gal really there for u? you happier if i didnt say anything and just like you secretly? living my life in regret? u going to tell me you are not goin to regret this break off? crap. cause i know you better than that. you will. when you come to your sense. i will still be waiting for you. tt's you dun come telling me what to feel also. you dun have the right. you know things are already settled and compromised. there wasnt goin to be a problem. yet you wanted to have a break up so there will be a problem. u know u have me and im not goin anywhere. you know that.

misunderstanding too deep for me to reach in. he's really too absorb to his perception. there it had to happen again. i had to show he was not the prob. i duno how. live happily? yeah im sure if i was happy he would come back either. he would be too glad that his decision was for the best. see?

everything i believed in is gone. what i fought for either. all i had was just wishful thinking. no one understood my dreams. no one understood my feelings. no one understood it at all. im so broken. life without love, im nothing. absolutely nothing. i cant believe in anything now. just simply nothing. emo. i cant even have God's plan for me. its' never going to happen. so much for the still small voice to always tell me to wait and have patient. to be there for him despite of situtation. to prove him wrong what he perceived. but it will happen but it never did. its never real. why do i love him that much?i can never be with him. i can never love and be loved. never.

in to talk abt yest what i did. well, i guess i never felt better just at the beach. with keng and jo, who dont stress me about probs. we just talked abt the present moments and not how we shld do this and that. i think i just felt good to be able to run away from the feelings and people i didnt wana meet nor think abt a while. played frisbee-gettin good at it! probably might get one think it comes in handy for any games at any time, played volleyball! haha thank God i still remember how to play and the training from NP PE lessons. never fails to be my fav time of the day. its playtime! next, we just started looking at people and there's one in particular. whahaha..we just wanted to just puke but well, its wasnt worth throwing out 6 bucks of smoothies! we were slacking at all natural new zealand store drinkin when this guy came up to the shower away the sand. its was fine except he was wearing briefs?! its was like..'eh, this is so wrong.' we all just closed our eyes. unsightly. cause we are so innocent. whahaha! i was tryin to escape from the sun didnt wana get a scolding for being too tan but still got it from mum anyway. keng and jo were like i needed the tan. i think i was the tannest still. haiz. oh well..its a natural gift. think we saw a couple gays too. this korean woman with a pink dress, pink hat, pink umbrella, think pink shoes. i was like,' omg. this is a beach! she wore as if she was like on a stroll in a park.' ironically, she was darn fair too. so was her guy. went home, ultra shag. but took care of this monster (caleb) who is darn hyper. cant wear pamprs cause of rashes so he jus pee as when he wants. bad thing. till at 9, he went bonkers laughing and screaming away for almost half hour. aiyah, but his smile with that 2 small teeth, always melts me heart. i've to babysit him this sat again. hope its me, caleb and the tugboat. whahha..pink tugboat to be exact. super chi-na.

tired. confuse. upset. numbed. wishing but not going anywhere. not even one encouragement. pissed at myself. why did i have to go thru this crap? why am i not appreciated for the things i do but just being commented, left abandon. yet i seek love and a stroll somewhere with undivided attention is like so much. i cant even have something i love beside me. just giving way to big obligations. to be controlled at surpressing my feelings. i hate it when pple say things to hurt me. i hate the whole wide world now. all i ask for it just time. yet its like a lifeline thrown away. im not worthy of it. i was worried sick how i can dun have feelings for the world. just self-centered. i was worried how i fall back into that isolated world where i knew no love. no cares n worries. no beliefs. no faith. no hope. just driven by other things.

tonight, i stepped into that world a while. what's the pt in praying? i try explaining patiently but get back no trust. how much trust i had in the first place? dont really show it by actions yet i believe every single word said to me. why did i have to go thru break up? why cant i have a peaceful relationship, with a God in it? believing He can do and change things. sorry. words of bitterness. isloated world. hatred. why can i just have someone whom i love to cherish and hold? what's the pt in being in love since sacrificing isnt the either. why do i have to go thru this shit? is it so hard to find and have someone to love and be loved forever? someone whom u its like 'the one' kind? whom u loved most in ya life? hate tonight. cant get it out. cant survive it either. hate the world. myself and i.

felt weird. felt as if there was this mixture of mixed feelings that i cant even make up for what it was. i didnt know to count that as a blessing that i could see him again- to somehow also know that smile and happiness i had was lost. it was never found again. i couldnt do anything but just sit and wait. he will never believe me what i said anyway. probably might believe an outsider to tell him how we are- that we are just weird. or maybe cause its my side on my story based on what he told me. yest i was just overjoyed to meet again, to make things simple. i just really miss him. i was back to thinking (when i was dating him) will he like what i wear, will he happy to see me? despite the thinking, i had to just constantly reminded myself- he left already. he didnt want me.

yest, i felt we still had feelings for each other, it was kinda un-deniable. there wasnt like a barrier when we broke up that time. somehow, i felt we were just both holding back. am i right? i duno. he knows the answer. mum knew i was really happy to see him cause in bangkok i also kept reminscing what he wanted to get, what he liked what he would like. typical?i have no idea. all i knew was i had lost a smile that i thought it was meant to be. i am never going to find it back. was i such a difficult person to be pleased? yet, if i had a call or a msg from him, i was glad. to hear him.. to meet was like an extra bonus for me. im always eccentric to meet him.

having to force the word out,'bye', i just choked on it. i couldnt get it out. all i could do was to listen to him keep telling me all the best for business and etc. as if to tell me another kind of msg. all the while i just missed holding his hand huggin him. to be with him again. i saw his face but was too distracted to make up the expression. when we left, i couldnt even look up too know he was leaving. i wish time would just stop. for 5 seconds. i was feeling too weak then. i almost wanted to collapse cause i was just jelly and headache. tired. but i was sorta disappointed. guess i was hoping for something to happen, trying to be patient for coming 2 mths. i couldnt find him when i boarded the other train. guess i really meant nothing? felt another piece of my heart just gave way. often i wonder, why cant i just be like him- to just give up since it doesnt mean anything to him now. why things cant work 2 ways at times? will my waiting for him be appreciated? will it paid off? will he see something else too? will he ever love me? all the questions. i thought i had the answer. i was sure. but now, i dun even wana ask again. i cant trust Him for an answer too. i want to trust but i cant. i knew deep down we are still together but i couldnt believe it either. will he ever see my patience- the commitment im willing to work on? with time. His time.

i dreamt of him last nite after a nightmare. it was an awfully sweet dream. we were sitting together in a train. he whispered, 'dear..' in my ears, 'i've never seen such a brave girl like you.' i felt tears came down. but i knew the tears was something i found once again. that smile. he held my hand and gave me a lily. i smiled with that radiance again. that blessed faith i had. loved. i couldnt be bothered with what happened. that love erased it all. i woke up to find myself i was crying of joy. but instead, i woke up also to know it is only dream. unlike the past, it felt like dream come thru being with him but i knew it was real. i only prayed it happens. sometime.

i came back from hard rock. cool music. but no one to dance with! dang.. anyone would like to accompany to drink? im at my drinking point now.. ok, maybe i do have to get something off my chest somehow. it has been on my mind of days. can someone help me understand this theory? cause i really cant seem to see it for the past week.

when a guy tells you that you are a good gf, arent we(girls) suppose to be more appreciated and loved, to be more treasured instead of being chased away? or is it cause we have been too good that the opp gender cant accept as part of his ego-he's not the superior amone the 2? i mean seriously, when a guy throws u that sentence, what are we suppose to treated as? is it just s sentence to make things sound nicer or like to make it easier. why is it so difficult for another person to just simply believe when things are just under his nose- he really makes me happy. simple sentence yet it becomes so complicated, sounding untrue. did i have to tell, spell out for him everytime when i was with him? im sure some things can be left unspoken, to be felt. how many times did he actually really listen and absorb the things i like abt him when i tell it all, and actually totally believe me? that it can be of evidence at times like these???

i duno why it has to be this complicated. i dun understand why at times the problems are simply clouding the road. i always thought if love was just abt forgiving and forgetting, letting it go, it will never be as big an issue. why do we humans always make things so complicated when its not. why cant i be like him? if this relationship, fighting so hard was just so easy to go, why cant i just simply do or think that way? yet, just feeling that the doors are still open for us. wide open. why do i still feel that way? even he just chases me away, the doors dun seem to close. why is it so? he rattles so much abt finding God, which is good, but does he ever starts to realised another situation which is just left abandon. a problem which he doesnt even trust God properly in his family prob. while i duno why i was just inflicted in his problems-was i causing him so much a burden? he says no. a lie? i duno! was i such a big hindrance? he says no. again, i duno! easier for the both of us when im having the worst time of life now. what an irony! never so low. never lost so much believe and hope. when he returns, yeah, i know it can be built back somehow. not that he's my everything. but in certain aspect, yes, that statement stands firmly. i may have change- i think, but willing to accomadate to him. wanted be the 'yes dear' person. feelings are faithful. is it not a blessing?

why feel he's the one set for me. why that still small voice telling me he will come back really. i know the doors are not close when he doesnt even believe in our love. who am i suppose to really betray n trust? sorry, but i think i rather not betray God answer to me. standing by faith, knowing he can who he was cause i am becoming who i was before when he knew me, this appreciation is not even something strong to become a motivation to work on. is it a selfish thought to know by casting it aside, you are not even sparing a thought for the other cause how wounded it can be? shldnt we be mindful of the actions in the first place in a relationship? its called consideration. am i right here? or wrong? is it wrong for me to say that when u know someone is good, we shld appreciate the person more? instead of discarding it somewhere when it doesnt want to be anywhere? yet giving space, is it not sufficient? is it not even sufficent that i just allowed more or less what he wana do but to just ask for time with him is something i shldnt be asking? is it wrong for him to feel encourage why i held on to this? i cant ask for encouragement? what's wrong with him to not see why im still fighting so hard for him? yet all i got was a shock. till this sec.

did he simply take me for granted just cause i was his gf? in the position i stood in? why is it that after we break, i had a clear, extremely crystal clear answer where i stood his life. detected that firmness in that sentence yet when i was with him, telling me that, adding a dont know and that uncertainty in that voice? why did i kept that still small voice. why things so complicated. why do we believe in a love so pure from God, such great love, yet we cant even apply what God taught us - that simple equation of love in our today's modern society of relationships? what kind of love do we depict in this area? tell me. someone. what's going on?

faith is something which cant be seen, heard not feel. yet its something which takes a higher level of the normal human sight can see. so many at times, we want the answers to it all. all the doubts. all the questions filling in our vulnerable minds. so with each answer, we know what kind of steps to take. where and which direction to turn to. but more than often, things are not always working out the way it should be. men and women have different wants at different pts of their lives. its also weird when we reached a certain age, our hormones or biological clock would turn to look at the opposite gender. to look for that perfect one in one's life. it gets to us when sometimes we go to a party or to a dinner restaurant, we see people walkin in twos'. but how often when we get into a relationship, being as christians, we use the 'feel-good' sutra or the logic vs intuition method. which methods are you using it to be in your current relationship? do we actually take quizzes in the magazines(eg, how to know he's the play type or keep type?, is he the one for you?) half- seriously about choosing your life partner? are we the type who uses logic to see to place our problems into our relationships? or vice versa?can we use logic to settle issues like whether or not to have sex before marriage, whether or not to get maried? there are not many people who can acutually trust God answer or that He will fill your emotional needs if u dun have a lifelong partner. im probably one of them still. esp in the arena of love.

i think many christians like me might have face this problem. i dont know at about this age but there are cases where this happens. when one party gets the anser from God but ther other, probably God has forgotten to tell. maybe another case where both answers conflicts. yet, sometimes there exist that higher faith which allows to be patient with the person we love who hasnt got any answer. its hard to explain in words at times. esp when we are taught to sometimes pursue self-interest rather than a higher good. we are sub-consciously affected by the social problems, that hinders the decision or the sight to see the road. even in our relationship with God, do we trust Him that things can be right again, in the same parallel, believing how we entrusted our lives to God so things can be and will be right with Him.

i guess there are times where we need to stay away from the social, family,friends and etc to hear the still small voice in us within. yet, there are sayings discernments are probably harder for most men cause what is around them. "eventually" is the most important word i guess. it represents the point of another road opening up for a couple. starting a life together as one. can we put aside pride, differences, ego or even our personal agendas for that walk of love? its painful to hear words like, 'when two people are extremely loving, but its doesnt mean they landed up together.' but there is one kind of love which surpasses them all. God is love. His love is one that can often shows us the power of life within life. a stronger influence than any other. that will to live. a stronger sense of propose.

but i think im on that track where yes, i got my answer. i think its my faith that allows me to gain that strength to accept the period of waiting for him to be ready. it gives me the perservance that we can make it somehow. but the main thing, God should be the centre of everything. not our problems. not our differences. i think i based this relationship more intuition than logic. i heard a hope from within that was told to me. a trust that is beyond understanding. its only for God to read the situation. this faith is not about to die cause im crashing at 90miles at hour. even if i did, this faith does not give.

probably have no idea if i made any sense since i wrote without much planning and just bombing away the sentences that comes in my mind. this relationship, is the first time im letting God be my matchmaker. He's at work.

hi ladies and gents! haha im sure u guys missed me soooo much right!? i just reached not long ago.. anyway, this is gonna be a long entry but this is what happened during my trip in bangkok. happy reading!

sunday. 3 july. (del's birthday)
my flight was in the early morning. had a emo sighting when i was at the airport. my heart was broken inside, it just simply reminded me of the 2 men i have in my life. but in the end, at least dad gave a hug to mum, and waved goodbye. i reached bangkok in the afternoon(there is 1 hr behind) and this is where my mini adventure started. thai drivers are extremely skilled! i tell u, the moment i set foot in the cab, i was praying darn hard the entire way thru! at a pt, my left was this big bus heading for my direction, my right another lorry headin the same way. i tell u, i felt i was gona get squashed! but we managed to escape in time. so the rest of the time is just simply- cutting lanes like no one's business. no signal, no hesitation, just cut. oh well, so we reached our hotel, thailand's tallest building (84 storeys)- boy, was i glad to be on land! after checked in, it was SHOPPING!we had pasar malam just outside the hotel. haha! bargaining power comes in like a magic wand in ya hand to get my stuff. got serious with my business that im setting up so, bought the things i need to sell. shopped almost the whole day- bought quite little stuff for myself lah. to me, it was like my business-cum-leisure trip. heh. also, i have to say this. u know the burger king there? they are selling a meal for abt S$3/-! half of our price..swensens? dun faint. S$2 for a sundae. how's that..mouthin watering.. landed in a teochew restaurant cause of grandma. oh well. but i was happy that i could speak fluent teochew cause it did came in handy when it came to bargaining! so next time if anyone going, pls bring me along i help ya guys bargain! hehe.. of course it will an all-paid-for-expense trip for me right.. hmmmm? had a sleepless nite cause praying and thinking abt jere too. oh well. so much for nite.

monday. 4 july
went on a canal tour at the chao praya river for half a day. it was really interesting cause we saw houses just beside the river, the way of life there. simple yet, contented were written on many faces. it reminded me when i was in cambodia for the moment. oh yeah, in that trip, i think thailand is seriously crying out loud for help. do u know.. 95% of population are buddist! including 400 and counting temples all ard the country! God might sent revival there soon. maybe the tsunami happened for that reason. caught the cobra show, really hilarious with this hongkie gal, sitting in front of me but was irriated at the same time. while she was so scared of the snakes, she had happily elbowed at my right kneecap. hurts! i will tell u guys and show ya her expression when i meet up with peche and others who wana meet me. went back, it some more shopping but a mall this time. it was like tiong bahru plaza+JP together. sheesh, pple there like didnt had to work! so packed! headed back to hotel after dinner and in the evening, the threeio continued with our exploration of the shopping market. i became unwell, headache and the feeling of being floated came again. went to the toliet and wanted to throw up. but i didnt wana spoil the mood. so didnt really thought abt it. just shopped, shopped, shopped.

tuesday. 5 july.
another tour today. went to floating market. TOTALLY LOVING IT! it was so nice to sit in a paddle boat and shopped at the river. bought a few stuff for own and business. except for the boat traffic jam.. it was so slow till i could made a friend from aussie. it was just a hi-bye kind of thing. well, least i had my fav thai dessert to muncha along the way-thai pancake! proceeded to another cobra show an hr later but we didnt go in, so let grandma prayed in the temple beside it. the 3 of us waited to for the rest of the grp. after, went to eat at samphran elephant ground and zoo. and another ride of my life came. i was pretty too daring i must say. anything could have happened. mum left my camera at the place we ate. and guess where we were? at a elephant and thai cultural show. a 15 mins drive away. so i went back alone with the the tourguide and the driver(both male) to get it back. along the way, i was like bit regretting if shld anything happened. i was like getting my phone on stand by. by God's grace, the cam was still at the restuarant, the waitress kept it for me. so i was alone there for almost an hr. rotted there. darn bored. yet, darned scared cause i had thai men like staring at me cause i was sitting along beside this caucasian guy. ( i wanted to be safe!) took photos of myself to kill my boredom n thoughts i was having. but i did asked myself why the camera meant so much. i found out that i still had pics of memories-jeremiah and i. tt's why i was so anxious to get it back. finally, went back to mum and grandma side to carry on with the tour. peace. rose garden was kinda nice place. had my first kiss..

..with an baby elephant. on my cheek. i was just blushing away with my heart racing..=) he was so sweet. felt loved and thank God for such a creation. i gave back a hug cause i had much to give away. blessed.

wednesday. 6 july
packed up my stuff. was ready to leave for airport. took a cab.we left like ultra early cause tt time we took an hr to get from aiport to hotel. but..we chose the expressway. extra money of course. guess what? we took only 15 mins. sat at the airport to rot. realising maybe we gal didnt have enough money to pay the passenger taxes. spend too much during shoppin! but thank God again, we had just sufficent. just right to pay. we were on our way back to Singapore. here, i reached back i had to face all my worries and fears again. my dreams happening and those untrue dreams. i didnt have any idea how to solve it.

i will upload a few pics up soon. esp me with baby elephant!mmmmmmuuuuackz!

it feels weird now cause im not able to msg him goodbye like before. kinda numbed to emotions. duno what to feel. im getting ready to leave for my trip and suddenly im missin him. but all i can do is to whisper to eeyore, hoping the wind will sent the msg to jere. its also funny how everynite it becomes a daily routine to hug eeyore and whisper a short prayer of hope and for strength. weird i actually get up early hoping to see him online. i guess i never really miss someone so much before.
..missing you..

omg! i atually managed to fixed my language problem in my com. no more figuring it out in chinese! its now all english. im back on earth! whaha.. pro uh-huh. uh-huh.

aviva open- match between taufik hidayat and peter gade was totally spectacular!! i was like just glued to my sit. heh. i was rooting for the gayish taufik. but he deserved to win honestly. from a score of 10-4 then went to deuce, it became 17-15. thought he played well. zhang ning was ever graceful yet strategic with her strokes. it was exciting to watch her thrash xie xingfang while lin dan was on the next court. haha, probably that should explain the smashes he gave the hongkie guy, cause his gf lost really pathetically. overall, when the guys smashes, the speed was sooo fast u cant see with naked sight. you probably need a slow-mo replay to see the shot. great matches. saw the pros at badminton at work. the day was good. thank God for those uncles sitting behind me- for their chinese-cum-hokkien commentary! emo along the way. at the indoor stadium. somehow can always picture the night when i felt renewed, along with a prayer answered. felt that great peace within and just to blessed. sweet memories. bitter sweet? hmm..

when dad came, he kinda really spoiled the mood of the day. started flaring at us(includin godparents, ben&mum) i was just so embarassed by his outburst just because he couldnt find a carpark. we also had no idea what to do!? then with saf for booking one whole area. for having to walk so darn far to the stadium. like is our fault and we just cant be bothered. and today, asking him to help take my swatch to change the batt. he scolded me no brains for removing and throwing the batt! wassup with that? it was so long ago. i didnt want the batt to corrode. besides, taking the watch to the shop is better. they fixed everything for u. what's wrong with that!

tmr i will be leaving for bangkok till wed afternoon. hope to take a breather i guess. now i feel kinda caught in between for the no of subjects i have to take for my uni program. also like, somehow intially suppose to be a project group with lyn but she kinda probably might no wana be in the same grp as me. i didnt know yuhui was also coming in, she intending to take full time. so was like, mum just asked wny not in the same grp? i feel im bit paranoid cause of what happened. felt avoided in a way. i duno. haha. guess i dun wana be readin too much into it. i'll just see for myself on 25 july. just go ard to check with friends who are going to study there. also, i have to decide to make arragements for an interview with the school for my language calibre before 8july. i duno how cause im only back on wed. sigh. another major decision again. when this ends, i think my mind will be more relieve in a way. sigh. sigh. sigh.