learn how to die, you learn how to live. you will be bankrupt without love. love is the greatest among all. love will and can overcome all things. so what's the pt. i love someone so much. i do and did. i cant even use my love to change things. even with God. pple say i give hope in times of brokenness. i cant even give myself that. i just sit here everyday for a miracle to happen. to just know that can trust, faith & believe again. to know that you cant wait till life is over than you start forgiving and letting it go. to know that you only have this life to love. its up to you to grab it. to make the best out of instead of stayin in doubt cause it wont solve anything.

i cant say anything out about how i feel either cause i will never change you. i cant. despite all the things i tried to sacrifice so much to make you see the hopes, love and efforts. would u even wana know that you can step out to believe, you can change things ard you. even if i said i missed and still had feelings for you, you wont believe me. love itself, is never enough for you. you needed so much more. answers you wana know that i cant give at all. faith to make you feel better- there's God.

seriously just chill at home! whoa. i never really appreciated so much for rest ever since i stepped into uni! now just like able to just slack at home before the whole cycle starts again. sian. but for now, rest-never felt better man =) been thinking thru about what pastor lynette said to me on mon. its just hard to do it. really. i duno. been praying. im just sitting there really confuse. but guess the work will come again, then i wont think abt it again till about in nov or something. cant wait for dec when i leave for melbourne for my hol! i get to drive! woohoo! just hope no kangaroo or some tortoise or something pop by on the road. its a darn bloody offence to knock them! but sometimes its so darn unfair cause its not like intentionally! haha..whatever.

listenin to power 98. ah. good songs. brings back memories. miss my sech sch. track. back then.

i injured my knee while in the rush to meet eve yest. now, eh its bit internally pain. sometimes walk abit will feel the pressure and the pain. its not even on my joints! its like at the side of the bone. sad case. ah.

well, since im pretty free these 2 days. just slackin at home. shiok. maybe might as well do my homework for pastor lynette. haha. no idea how to write it man. if i only i was good at writing.

..thinkin abt you-confuse. unknown.

stupid system. after typing so long then in the end my entry went off. 2nd time typing. crappy. im so freaking tired. really tired from all the projects and issues in my life. but i guess im so looking forward to my hibernation but it seem so far away. i so just wana sleeeeppppp! sad life. think ben is right, im like living, breathing and eating my projects. 'workaholic' is my new middle name. i never thought i would have this name in 2o yrs! or at least, im not at all initially. its like the last name pple would use on me. discipline- haha! i think its just cause i owe pple work tt's why i forced myself out of bed despite having a fever. somehow everyone seem to know im just drowning in projects- have a reputation of forgeting my meals?! even those whom i didnt really talk to last week like shawn and yan, both were like chasing me to eat over msn. bad reputation i have. im so looking forward to just sleepin, chillin out, meet up with the cell, wana catch a movie;"corpse bride"? hmmm suppose to watch with jere. unless i wana watch it before hand with someone else. i do not have an obligation. depends on my mood, and if my body can take it.

i dont really know what to really feel exactly. im not sure if it cause he was 'losing me' to someone else(though there's no such guy that exists at all now)- was it just a pinch or just like he still had feelings for me. i guess the only reason i gave up waiting and just hoping for a miracle to happen was cause he said he had no more feelings. on fri nite, it didnt seem so. like the tables turned. i just like didnt know what to feel. sometimes he really tends to say the most ridiculous things on earth-which can really make you jumped out the seat and just shake that person up. am i in self-denial? i dont know. or is it a door opening? guess one of the reasons im tryin to honour God maybe due to the relationship. i guess i didnt went out with a few guy friends to just catch up and all, but all never felt right either. i guess maybe im really hoping for God to fill me totally, maybe also hope there will be him too. it felt so right then. i was so looking-forward to serving with him. but i dont kow what happen to him. really no idea. so distant and cold at least. somehow its just unfair that i get to see this side of him. maybe i wish he will find some help. we just totally switch roles. totally.

well,projects again. now im kinda fed up and stressed out. later got appt with pastor lynette. think prob do my work in church then i'll head to meet pam, ruth and david. hope ange comes along too. miss these guys.but now, im just stress. someone just shoot me. i want my ice- cream to destress. my cookies summit at swensons. tt person-you know who you are,dun embarrass ya on my blog! but.. i want it soon k!! its my medicine!! =)

today came down as hard as a slap on my face. tables like somewhat turned. looking back, it was like i had to make decisions cause there was so much confusion. lost. didnt know what to do. thought i could make it right with him. but it was came back as something else. just so lost. after so many mths of praying, i knew and hope i wasnt wrong abt you. somehow your actions were just so cold and hostile, but i thought i knew your feelings. but it came till i thought you are so geniune with your actions-made it so real. for 3 mths, i was in shock. numb. lost. but till today, i dropped my cutlery to just stare so hard, in disbelief, of a indirect msg. is it so hard to admit you had feelings? pple told me you prob were afraid to let go, afraid to know that you still had feelings. i didnt dare to think abt it. i didnt dare to think you still love me. you were right i've moved on. but its another level of hoping and life. praying so hard everyday for a miracle. if you and me were meant to be. is this an opening? i wanted so much to be where i am cause of you, by God's grace, in His love. i didnt know what you wanted from me. i didnt know what you wanted. when you gave up on me, guess u didnt want me too.

i thought maybe this is a good to just lie to you. just while typing my proj, i thought to myself if the way i am, is it just a mask, cause i knew i still had feelings for you. but somewhat, i didnt know abt you anymore. just so unsure abt your feelings. i didnt know how u felt. didnt dare to know and ask. "what if i wasnt tt strong?running or facing it?" then i saw your msg. i thought you wanted to just see me like moved on and all. i did moved on, but my feelings never did for ya.

went to esplanade after the project meeting. alone for while. i cried so hard. i really miss you. all this time, i tried to put away. i tried to not think abt you. not talk abt you to anyone. cause i thought you had a better life without me. or seem like it. yet, every night when i prayed, i often thought if you were thinking abt me. i always wondered if you msg me, was that anything? i was so afraid again to know. so afraid to know its a no. just like tt 'hug' word the other day. every time i heard i wave, i wish i was like the waves. just washin off all the doubts on the rocks. just hoping you could believe in me. i teared. to know i wasnt in your arms. i thought God spoke something. but i guess it just me. i was in a way happy to know your feelings. but on the other, why do u keep thinkin i like someone else?! u say u trust me, know me, if i told you i still had feelings for you(tt's why i dun wana have anything on with anyone except God), will you actually believe me? tt's why i didnt reply you. i dont how else to make you believe me and not say like im lying to you. you know i never lied to you. i duno how your perception of my character became so crooked. im just lost. just cause of a friendly date and im gonna get branded. i duno man. this is so unfair. so so unfair. im crying again. to know you're not here. i duno what else to do. i thought if i tried to focus on God, really love him, maybe you and me still had a chance if i prayed really hard. today prayers ans? i duno.

went home after that. projects again. but im so tired to think. just confuse. i believed in this. i really believed in you. but i really duno what else to do. it seem you left me stranded. you were so cold and hostile somewhat. just so distant. why couldnt let me be that hope for you?

"You said, ask whatever you need and you shall receive."

woohoo! just came back from band prac and after a long day of like project. felt good to let loose with the band. fingers were so pain lah.. and so darn tired! haha.. but i was so happy cause both karyan and i got nods of approval and we made samat so proud! did i mention i played on his goldin- and said i could carry off and all.. looking good! oh yea baby. yan played so well too. think this sat(eGod@1630) we are gonna be great. playing for the Lord. anyone is welcome! =) just now in the afternoon, was in church with del, yongzhi, yun ying, esther, samantha, noel, jeremy and jonathan. alvin, ming hui and angeline came later.. haiks, duno disppeared to where. haha. suppose to be a big major study gang. landed up occasionally, doin retarded things. whaha. typical lah. glad to make more friends. they're actually playin pool at my place tmr. damn. why am i not at home!

last few days, even now at this very sec, still feeling stressed out from all the projects. hard to work with a damn, ultra perfectionist at times. jut makes you wana-strangle-tt-person kind. but patience i guess! kinda nervous lah. hope i dun screw up any projects, all the marks and etc. sheesh. there are times where its so tiring and difficult, with no one to really turn to, i did feel like giving up totally. haha. just marry to some rich guy! haha.. jk! but yea, it was disastrous lah. well. haha, thks to someone who has been saving me. haha. listenin to all my crap and whiney seesions. stressed out days and terrible voice. lousy man. so paiseh. gota get back to work! feeling so much better after jammin. and prob after all that praising from samat, that approval and all. love that. seem im getting pampered. i shld be.. right? so hungry now. sheesh.

today after a talk with pastor lynette, i really thanked God for her. she kinda really "connected" with my inner feelings somewhat(personal). said stuff that i kept inside for seriously, YEARS. i didnt know how to express in words. just instinctively kept lookin for it elsewhere. guess one thing was like she said i was special and there is something different abt me. she couldnt explain so yea. haha. so happy. grinz. heh. sense something great and special on the menu comin up.

so anyway, i left church, feelin special. something i always like to feel deep down. felt God close by. special to him. happy. took 145, to holland to book settlers's cafe on behalf of evelyn. met up with kendrick then to shop awhile to kill time. haha..talked rubbish lah. haha, headed to fosters' cafe to pick up lorraine. haha..had fun there! was super hungry. most of them came late. stomach growling lah. finally, all 9 of us (some of kendrick and eve's friends also) could eat! along the way, played cluedo, jungle speed, slamwich and taboo! haha..i was pretty good at guessin but so not at describing!! record-6words.woohoo! came home. tired.

haha i also wana thank God for benjamin. i duno what i would have survived. haha. today i was stressed till i cant even eat luncho. he bought for me lunch! all the way from pasir ris to my place. so sweet. my heart melted. such a wonderful friend. never knew friendships can be to such extend. never experienced such a gift of friendship before. he had nothing to do. haha. took a bus down to church then went our separate ways. last night, he played well during his church anniversary service. it was lovely! there were dancers and all. i guess im learnin to go other churches with an open heart and mind. to see other cultures and all. haha..got bluffed lah for wearing formal. didnt had to. but anyway, suppose to have dinner, couldnt had cause he kinda picked me up late. so after service, he kinda drove us to yishun to eat the famous nasi lemak. haha. really nice to have supper and fellowship. splendid. he send me back home after that. had a few good laughs. ACS(barker) is so darn big. i felt i was back in ACJC. those times when we had to use their hall for services. ok, out of pt. ha!

this week im playing for service. but its so exciting cause peche is playin! yay, anyone is invited to e_God @ 1630!! so, do come! so sad! cause of service, i cant meet the grp 9! sigh. oh well. tired. wana sleep. did i mention im so in love with 'switchfoot'? i love the songs esp on 'a walk to remember' ost. totally got me.

have tons of things to write. well, this week is pretty slack..didnt really do any proj-so freakin drain from the first round! now the motivation level is pretty low. so anyway, kinda went out almost everyday today except for tues, when i had classes. on wed, met up with a few pechies at Settler's cafe to play games! haha..great fun =) jasmine was kinda hilarious too.. heh.

on thurs, had a "date" with jem. haha..it was nerve-wreakin for me at the sound of the word 'date'. but it was great on the overall! he came to pick me up at my place, then headed town. shopped awhile, caught a movie " the perfect catch"? it was probably the first romantic comedy tt depicts real situations in relationships. could relate to it till the last part was kinda expected. haha, so anyway, headed on down to get a present, went to my old dance sch, saw laura bong! she was my ex teacher, really cool. always admired her. had a a treat of prata near my place for dinner. chatted abt some issues on relationships, army, work, future and God till ard 2am. came home. really tired. but i think it was a great outing! it was refreshing to chill out with an old friend.

yest was like meeting up with part of the grp 9 guys!? so sad like only 3 of us are actually in contact. met benjamin for lunch. poor boy, got tummy upset from bad coffee! haha, ate prawn mee. had a luncho paid for cause he didnt know how much he paid. woohoo! met up with royston then, who came all the way down from hougang to queensway-just to restring his badminton racket? haha, really funny lah. told me meet at 3, he overslept till 245, so he said he flew down(by cab lah) so i had another free treat of meatballs at ikea! haha and fish and chips. waited with me at raffles city afterwards till mum came. both mum and i caught a free movie, under the stars(there wasnt any last night!)- 'mr and mrs smith'. we watched it at the padang. yea, open air. but it was really cool, cause u could lie down and all..haha. total relaxation. then dad picked us up, went to hard rock. omg. the band was terrfic. benjamin joined us after setting up the drums in his church. haha, even he said the band was great. they could actually play from rock, to sentimental, r&b to techno. sheesh. salutes man.

well, this weekend, im pretty home alone. cause parents are away in melaka for wedding. i cant go cause got classes later. feel like shopping again! but prob call someone to accompany me! haha, prob go for another round of drinks after last night. destress! and get away from things said to me which made me think. hurts.

..when love and hate collides

hey ladies and gents! back from the YLMC- had a terrific learning time and great experience. i guess it was a little revial for my weary soul. to once again find that passion for God. to know that grace fell on me once again. there is so many things i have to say abt the conference but its kinda impossible to explain it on the blog. but im glad that i have made a number of friends.. from church and other churches. its a real blessing to know them. if you wana know about what i learnt, more on 1 corinthians 13:4-7, phil 3:1-16, come look for me k?! im so proud to be a methodist and the values we uphold for years. i think i've grown quite a fair bit in this camp and on what i was going thru. guess it was a super emo trip for me. probably extremely emo deep down within. gonna meet up with pastor lynette. she's really nice. thank God for samuel and karen on that night. i really owe you for being there totally for me when i was really down n lost somehow. anyway, haha..this is my grp9!! during the conference! i look totally unglam. totally man. anyway, we took like seriously muiltiple shots but haha..the owner only gave me one. sigh. probably will wait for the fmc one. haha.. that pic is gonna be real funny i think. cheers =)

from bottom left: dorcas, charmaine, esther, may and me. top from left: royston, donovan(God's plan! we were in the same grp! my ex-classmate), jerald, benjamin and kenneth

so yea, during the camp. argh got saboed so many times cause im too blur! until like i got a friend makin prank call to me! at freakin 1am?! when i was abt to dose off.."room service?" i got bluffed lah. typically. all by samuel, the reverend-to-be. by both shawn wee and lee?! 3 is bad enough. oh man. they were a complete disaster. by great fun! thks to karen too, who helped me defend..haha =)

today's a struggle. big time. have to get it out. im suppose to be sleeping or at least doing my project to really make use of my time. but here i am, tryin to prepare myself for the conference. but what a struggle. i guess like forgetting the feelings or like just giving up the hopes of us being together, holding that faith tog, is just so hard. i duno is it because im simply not given a chance? i feel as though im some strong swimmer, just having cramps on my body, that i land up drowning. yet, i duno why the faith i have within is something so strong. im unsure totally. is it from God? why is it everytime i think abt You, that hope and faith is being renewed? something which dun seem to be possible. i dont doubt You, Dad. just that, cant you see my struggle? i wana go to the conference, free. to find Your will. Dad, hold me close. with all i am, catch my fallin tears of struggle- missing him so much. loving him still. holdin it steadfast. will you work a miracle?

days just draw near. to know he's going in. i guess i will be like looking at my watch at 1245. i cant imagine. im at the conference and i'll be just thinking of him. when i know probably, im like the last thing on his mind now. its just impossible. somehow, i didnt even get to see him. wonder how i was existing in his life to becoming to near fadin off from his life.

its hard for me. esp at a time like this when my family is in chaos. i wonder will you ever wake up one day to know that you are not the only one having probs that we all are in our own ways. i wonder if you realised that you didnt had to do anything except to just listen and be there emotionally as a listenin ear? i wonder will you ever think of me ever again? i wonder if you let us build that hope again if we meet again one day? will you see me and rem that feelings we once shared? will you want that for yourself in the future? i thought i detected a slight 'want' yest while talkin to you but just right now there isnt any hope at this moment? i hope you will think of me some nights while you are lyin in bed after a long day. i hope i still will hear from you. even if i have to stand as a friend. i hope maybe thru this start of this friendship, we can build something so much substaintial. something in God, ok? you can dun believe in everything else i have to day, maybe just believe that if you want this, but allowing God to work thru us. for anything else, i wish you well as the morning sun rises to shine on you, every step of the way.

i ran so hard to be where the sun was with you. i strived so hard. i did make it, but u left somehow. i didnt see you there when i made it. something you build and let go. oh why. will you come back to see that thing you build? i cant really imagine myself being with anyone else but you, along with God. i cant believe im crying again cause i miss you. i never like someone so much before, with that hope that seem to self- renew everything i think abt God.

"and not only that, but we know also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulations produces perserverance; and perservance, character; and character, hope. now hope does not disppear, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." - romans 5:3-5

such a concidence. its hard for me. to forget something and someone like him. jeremiah wong jing seng, i did love you so much, with everything i had. may our paths crossed again, someday. sigh. this love was the most hopeful and joyful cause i guess the Lord is it for me. when i didnt know what else to do, just relying on Him. felt that hope, strength. tt's why maybe i could hand till yest. prob the last time i will say this to you, thought i chance with you again. thought i was your empty space. hope to be. but, you wouldnt let me break in nor reach to you. i would have waited for you if just said so. just needed you to rely on Him when you dont know what else to do in the relationship. He will renew your love from within. we would have made it. loveya and missya. lots, tons.

i've finished with my song. final edit done. tune in place. will record soon. will pass for listening. hope its ok!

Free
I'm sitting alone in this room
Dunno what to think
I was disorientated
I was so helpless
My life once so perfect and fair
Its gone forever

Pre-chorus
I saw your hand but pushed away
But you stood there waiting for me
I looked away and ignore you
Too binded by my past

Chorus
I'm so tired of hidding in my past
I wana break free (oh, so free)
The sun is shinning elsewhere (i wanna be there)
You're the reason that I smile

You saved me in the depths of the ocean
When I was beyond redemption
You gave me hope and eyes to see
That you are the reason I'm living for
How could I be so blind
How could I be

i know its time to run..

finished and done. im moving on. im gonna break free. walking beside my Lord. i guess the Lord did something for us. i prayed his family will be so much better. it did. i duno if he prayed he could reached in to me and all, he did. i guess maybe God didnt had to do much in keeping mine feelings cause he was faithful to Him. maybe tt's why maybe He was just allowing me to be there still to see if he could see. i guess its true when you are faithful to God, you pray for the other to be faithful too, both will be happy. guess in my csae, it is pretty one-sided. he believed but not totally, but guess my feelings were still strong then. i believed but he could not, thus, like that lah. but God is good. tested my endurance, patience and maybe how much i really love him. it was that deep (1 corinthians 13:4-7). my guideline. think i did depict some of it. its time to run since he cant see nor let me, or like duno if he wanted me or not. im tired. so tired of being there for somone who didnt believe in Him for love anymore.

God, he's yours now. i will have nothing more to do for him. i've done my part in being there. being the best i could be in a relationship. i was so looking forward to serving in the same ministry as him as we grow up and being tog. that team. its closed.

love the lyrics to the song, "staring at the sun"- rooster. helped me so much. so me.

im goin for the conference. im free. whatever that comes my way, its His will. aint mine. in His timing. if ever we crossed once more, i guess it will be different. God is and will definitely be in it.

ok man! haha..going to do my proj! guys, pray for my strength, determination and perservance to ru this race. run with me ok? i need a pack of friends to run this long race!! to push me on! im gonna be on the other side with you guys! as children of God. in all aspects, to believe and trust in Him. so buddies! pls i urge run to run towards that ray of sunlight with me.

pray for me as i leave on thurs morning. i'll come back, rejuvenated, revived, serving in church and in my most fav ministry-hope im really suppose to be there. God's will. WORSHIP team- 6worshiping womend band(along with samat to stand in temp)! woohoo! heh!

thks yuhui, weijian(dun eat grass in NS ah!), evelyn, lorraine and esp zongyao & peche! for running along with me. in sharing my faith. for listening. for being there. putting up with my broken dream. im breaking from this self pity.

" im so tired of hidding in the past. i wana break free (oh, so free). the sun is shinning on the other side ( i wana be there), You're the reason that i smile." - 'free' - amanda

His love endures forver. You're the reason that im living for. through it all, tears and joy, You were carryin me with love and my source of strength to endure to what i am today.

im so tired right now. feel like sleepin thru the whole day. i managed to struggled by with evelyn's help. thanks so much babe..i slept at 4 this morning. cause after finishing the econs project. crappy i tell you! i so DO NOT LOVE econs or stats. stupid project. sheesh. maybe later on the bus i will sleep again. im so tired..not to mention i sitll have to rush DM proj. tonight i got briefing for the YLMC at church. then have to rush home cause yuhui wana stay over..have to help her with proj. hmmm..im kinda worried if i got the wrong answer though. hope my reasoning can buy my way thru.

im was kinda happy last night. i guess though now its so one-sided, im like still happy when sms him and all. was like a total nervous wreck when i sms. prayed before each sms. sigh. yes i did. i guess the days are drawing so near. i'll miss him more i guess. not tt i talked to him alot. but i guess i wont be tt person if there a sms session at nights..where i get to hear his experiences and thoughts like how we use to tell each other at one pt. like somehow along the way, i felt i couldnt reach in to his thoughts or feelings. tried so hard to understand. By grace, i manage to feel more. but it was too late. now, my family is just like superficially stable. deep down, it can broken anytime. not to mention it almost ended up in a break. hmmm..still cant accept like he's gone. just feel so empty on one part. lost and lonely. pray a miracle to happen for us. im missing him so much. but im meeting him! one part is like always tt joy i felt of seeing him again. (love is patient and kind?) one part is like a nervous wreck. i duno what to say. like i felt an idiot. duno how to chase a guy. neither like how to talk. only know how to jus look at him. cant say anything. i hope he will ask me to wait or we can work something out.

i wanted to end it all today. just end it all. but it didnt work out. things i was being taught and grew up believin in, its just never real. now, what happened this morning, only leaves the marks. i chose the sharp edge today. i thought abt how you said i just always talk but never did it cause i wanted attention. but the truth was, it is struggle for me. not because i wanted attention at all. i did it today. but someone stopped me. never really got thru somehow. just didnt cut thru. now it hurts and stings whenever there's water or like i pressed it. i never wanted to know so much problems and issues were rising towards my way. now, im stuck in the same situation as you. only diff, you left. you changed so much. just no contact, that was it. it was gone. yet, i still cant believe you are unfeeling. i wrote a song. i duno for whom. i guess it was inspired by God and you.

..in memory for once an extremely,loving and hopeful couple

all these guilt within me. to know i cause the whole thing to fall apart. to see the facts i was the one who made you changed towards me so much. to see how i made your love changed too. like how i ruined this really great relationship. yet, i had no rights to ask for one chance at all. just once chance. it was all my fault. it was all me. now that you dont care at all, i guess i cant say anything. how you treating me and all now, it never hurts so bad. i've never wanted to this relationship to end. but that night, i caused you to leave. it was me. and i still love you so. but you were so sick of me, depending on you. all because tt night i needed you so bad. i never wanted you to walk away. i only really needed someone like you to keep sane at that moment. i wished i never called you that night that made you walk so far away. to see that this is all i meant to you after one and half years of love together. i've never been so sorry in my life. something which i didnt mean it.

my life is so screwed up big time. yet, all i hope was to see you that night. i really love you so much. but im seeing how much i mean to you now after so long. im so sorry.

im duno i should just believe in what im seeing in him. i simply still feel its so hard to believe it's him. but its so factual. here i am looking into this guy, whom i love for such a damn long time, we once had mutual feelings for each other. then, now, im just staring at they way he sometimes just treats me now. i guess maybe its right. its either being a gf or nothing. all these while, i still believe he still had feelings for me and all. happy? yea i was in some ways. but now, im simply nothing. just like just as when he likes it, talk to me. when he doesnt, probably like at times his game was more impt. yet, last week, i thought it was kinda good like, we smsed and talked to each other on msn. yet, i was worried sick when he was so sick. when i was sick, there wasnt at least any care or concern at all. when i needed to talk to him abt something tt happened, i did talk. bu i felt he just missed the pt i was callin him for. there wasnt a sms or a call later to find out how i was but instead, an sms came thru asking if was i ok but it wasnt from him. i so hope it was from him. but it was someone else. somehow, 3 nights ago, he said something which i never doubted him for. something which even an outsider is like totally puzzled?! yet, i found out it meant nothing. amazed at him saying it. i had always known him to just say it when there's a feeling involved. i guess i always never wanted to use this on him. but he is just treating me as if im his plaything. he drifts in and out as when he wants to, just because i know most of your problems, yet, i had to be one he throws all his self-pity to and i had to indulged in to stand by him. i stood by him at his crucial moments thinkin he may need someone right now. but i realised that in his own quiet way, all he was gathering attention from friends whom can help kill time or something rather sitting down to just evaluate his life. i was never that needed after all. yes it was my choice, but at least asa friend he could see i was tryin my best not to take him more than just a friend.

i really dont know what's he is tryin to do or up to. i really dont know it cause like he goin to army is like a really a big thing like never coming back in 2 years or something? i do admit that his family situation was scary, it was never easy to deal with something like that. i guess i dont blame him if he wanted to meet all his friends, to catch up. but its funny how like once, all these friends came in, im completely ignored. not once, he asked to meet up with at all. i guess im beginning to see where i stand his life after 1and half yrs. this is really how much i mean to you. is this how easily and fast he cant forget something that was so great? hard but we endured so much? im beginning to see how he would drift in and out not knowing if he wanted this relationship still. sometimes i get the feeling he wants it still, but he needs so much more details that all and etc. occasionally, i feel im like already long forgotten. all these while, thought maybe i shld stick around to help him get him out of this mess cause i am still worried, and i still do care. but maybe im not needed at all. i dont deserve to be inflicted with his self-pity and be the only now who knows the situation and all. i wanted to much to understand, i did work my way thru. but to judged me, without giving a proper reason but digging all the past up. never understood what happened that night. he didnt ask me what was going thru my mind at all.

i guess maybe he was lying all these while if he said nothing to be sorry about and all. it was accumulated somewhere. yet, he said i was a good gf, then i thought you would been ok, blessed or something? then there was someone tryin hard to understand him, tryin to compromise with him. all these while, he told me always work things out. all thes while, he wanted to know what's wrong with me and all. all these while, to keep telling me that our love was getting stronger casue of the things happening between us. things happen to test us. i actually believe in what he said.

i've grew up, taught that love was always the strongest among all. that it will prevail in times of trouble. how wrong i am. your actions showed how much i meant to you after so long of being together. we could have something great, something nice. things will hit the low before getting on high again, you couldnt believe. open your eyes to see that things are settled before you, by God's grace and faith in prayers. Our love could have been the same too. but you gave up on me when i needed you to be here. i have never beg you to come by my side that urgently before in my life. someone whom you could have comforted with your bare hands, within your grasp of your hands. you chose to leave. You made a decision before God can do anything. he changed me by His grace. you couldnt accept it. i guess if you wanted to neat and easy relationship, you got yourself the wrong girl. but if you think you could handle abit more complicated, you did had someone. You had me. completely.