somehow i just couldnt get the calculations for my econs. honestly- hope i passed both my papers for purchasing and econs lah. sigh. really. even is just pass also can. dont think im destined to get good grades man. anyway, got hold of some photos from samuel- ylmc! finally...after a mth of chasing him for it.

im now so addicted to listening to planet shakers. ha! got 2 albums from jem. yeps i love it and its like so rock or something i would love to jam! i've got another proj now-must finished by thurs night! haha..

just came back from grands. hmmm grandpa has been askin everyday for me. suddenly all the emotions came back. just knda afraid but tryin to rem God's words- its so hard.

karen and i - super stone in the morning! but hey! 11 yrs of friendship!

we arrived at the conference safe and sound! cynthia, karen, me and milton! cool guy shawn (cant rem his surname) too shy! so sad!

dinner time! fav time of the day one of table dominated by the TTB- a crazy bunch. esp with karen and shawn lee

samuel and i makin funny faces cause we cant play the game of bridge - only 4 players allowed. self entertaining. haha! think i suck at it. typically.

debriefing for the TTB till an ungodly hour of 3 am. after a great experience for some. i was left confused. hmm.

The Tackle Box! the fun- loving and radical for God! check us out! happenin right..haha. =)

karen and i on a candid shot. she looks so unglam lah. haha i was reportin to my parents upon my homecomin!

goin home! too bored during the journey. but its Peche! still energetic..

today is econs exams!!! i hope i can do the paper then later i can go out and play!!! actually i still gota rush another round of project. haha..so much for after relaxing after the paper. hmmm, kinda a uptight week for me. too much stuff happened. pple, pray for me ok?!! i really hope this paper i later will know what to answer. sheesh. i dont believe i cant actually write this: pls pray that my common sense for the economy will be strong. enlightenment =) heh. btw, im not sayin im stupid.

grandpa got another round of heart attack. some reason, have i given up? i didnt feel much. i dont know if its good or bad. yet, i felt the fear coming. i shut my eyes and pray, liftin to the Lord. what a news to know before the paper. maybe i shld pop by later after my paper to see him. afterall, i owe part of who and what i am to him, he's like my second pa. i dont know. just lost and i dont know what else to feel. everything is in a mess. nothing seem to be right.

have to arrange meetin with ange and david soon. sigh, why do i have the darn proj after my paper!tmr tackle box is format x! heard it is rather happening. haha, yongzhi and gang, some rock song but remix(lyrics changed to suit the service). cant wait to see. cant decide if i shld play for children tmr. maybe i should. there goes cutting my nails. sad.

a prayer i said everyday for you. in hope maybe things will turn ard but i guess it will never happen. maybe till you see it and when i see things your way too. maybe its better i left the harbour and forgo the boat ride and take a bus instead.

Food for Thought - An Alphabet of Lessons for Youth

A wise man son maketh a glad father, but a foolish son is the heaviness of his mother.
Better is a little with the fear of the Lord, than great treasure and trouble therewith.
Come into Christ all ye that labor and are heavy laden and He will give you rest.
Do not the abominable thing which i hate, saith the Lord.
Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.
Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.
Godliness is profitable unto all things , having the promise of life that now is, and that which is to come.
Holiness becomes God's house forever.
It is good for men to draw near unto God.
Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are issues of life.
Liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivereth them out of them all.
Now is the accepted time, now is the day of salvation.
Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.
Pray to thy Father who is in secret, and thy Father who sees in the secret shall reward thee openly.
Quit you like men, be strong, stand fast in the faith.
Remember thy Creator in the days of thy youth.
Seest thou a man wise in his own conceit, there is more hope of a fool than of him.
Trust in God at all times, ya people, pour out your hearts before him.
Upon the wicked, God shall rain horrible tempest.
Woe to the wicked, it shall be ill with him, for the reward of his hands shall be given to him.
eXhort one another daily while it is caled to day, lest any of you be hardened thro' the deceitfulness of sin.
Young men, ye have overcome the wicked one.
Zeal hath consumed me, becasue thy enemies have forgotten the word of God.

-The New England Primes.

i just love fairfield yearbooks-2001. all these quotations. never fails to keep my spirit in the Lord uplifted.

haven been bloggin for quite a few days. number of stuff happened along the way. some just brought back painful and never-seem-forgotten memories. well, basically last sat, i've got purchasing paper. my best paper and i screwed it up! one: the damn format was so like unexpected considering that we werent exactly told abt it and be prepared. two: it is my fav paper and i was hoping to get a B. ultra demoralised. after paper, got a shock to find jem actually been able to find my sch and waited for me at the lift. we drove to PS and met up with karen, janice and yunying. i was kinda tired after dinner cause i woke up at 630 to do QT and study. kinda slept when i was in car. so tired. sun- i went thru some usual family routines. found myself thinking really hard abt something. confused. no asnwers. dont know what to do. guess for now, slowly, one step at a time. see where things are moving towards to. but went shopping, bought 2 blouses, and realised that i lost 3 kg. lost weight again. sigh. ami underweight? close. but pple are are shutting me up cause they say they would be so happy to be at my weight. so fine, i should and will shut up. ah.

on last fri, it was exciting to go to NUS and had luncho with best friend, flo and karen. not to mention we were eating and checking guys out! haha. there are some cute ones there really. it was pretty 'sightly' for the eyes. ha! so after that, i studied at NUS lib (central) with jasmine, karen, del(came later), flo left for proj meeting. until atb 7, i was alone. had to study. it was rety effective though. it was amazin i could memorised most stuff within 2half hrs. headed back to KAP and met jas, karen and su for supper at mac. ha. it was absolutely hilarious over girly jokes. but during the day, received a couple of sms which brought me to a short standstill in time- to some memories. when i was alone, i wondered how am i suppose to ever forgive and just forget the whole thing? i dont thing i could ever forget what happened. i cant. it was kinda too much for me to take. pushed it aside after praying and tryin super hard on focusing to study for purchasing. the memory moved on to another beautiful one- left unfinished. probably never will it be completed. i realised i missed those times when it was exams in sch, i studied with him. those nights till we would have dinner and he had to calm me down. but he will never realised what i am feeling anyway.

got econs paper on sat! its damn econs. my worst paper. gota study soon. gonna be late. sigh, read a few entries. same sentiments. im also thinking of someone. i miss you. but it will never be noticed at all by you..

i went church to study with karen and jasmine this morning, though i stayed till like abt 730pm. was like super tired frim looking all that notes and stuff. exams are on sat. madness i didnt memorise anything cause its so darn last min. tmr last day to pia. and im going NUS to study with the babes-karen, jas n maybe del. flo-probably have luncho with her. ha! jas say goin nus to study is quite fun cause when you are so drowned with the notes and stuff, at least you got the guys to check out. haha. so much for resting your weary eyes babe!! haha =) so funny! guaranteed, sure pass exams with flying colours... then off that 2 gals went, came in juliana. then jonas pop by! haha so cool.

had a great fellowship with jonas during dinner, after not seeing him for so long! found out some stuff quite happy for him! hee=) got my support man!

got a terrible nightmare this morning. 3rd time- something so dark and evil. eeks. i hate it. some say you get it cause its your turning pt with God. either you walk with Him or not. whoa! sounds so scary and freaky. but yea, i was freaked out till when i woke up from it, for a few sec, i couldnt rem who and where i was. sian lah. get this kind of thing. [raise one eyebrow]must pray harder to Him. i hope i dont get this again. at least not in the next mth, at this few dates.

..hope to recover in time. hope i can make it good for this paper. hope i can get the stuff i need for exams into my head tmr. pray for me guys. scared and yet relax. madness.

ecaught up in the whirl of emotions and thoughts= confusion. do you ever feel so helpless, praying and all but nothing seem to be happening even though you're holding your faith in God. trustin Him to do something? ever feel hopeless tryin to help a friend but all that person does is just keep on rattling abt the past or negative things? like all you can ever do is just sit and there and rot along side with them, maybe like hoping that they will wake up frm their ultra-depressing, self-pity realm and get going? sometimes these are the pple that i feel like just kicking the butt so they can like get up and MOVE. i dont know. it feels like crap when you can do is just watch them almost self-destruct. not admittin to what pple is tryin to say? why are human pride so strong? yet God, for us died on the cross when He didnt had to. argh. thoughts and really like confusing. why do we humans make the simplest things in life so damn complicated? i mean, esp things like are so obvious and clear in way. i dont know. confuse.

today i did qt. sure did made me fear the Lord. like i've thinking the things i do, have i been disobedient? not doing the things that i ought to do? even though its very hard! i still have to do it so that i can allow God to accomplish His works through me by experiences and all? read the verses from deut and luke. sometimes i can just wish tell to someone. that person. esp abt the wise and the foolish man who built their houses on the rocks and sand respectively. faith is making adjustments. adjustments and actions is to obedience. trusting him. but now, its so so hard. esp when times are like so tough. not tt im the only one. but just the things happenin ard me.

met up with jem last night at my place for a while. talked abt some stuff. oh well. came down with a sore throat, slight cough. had fever. came home from dinner, took medication and slept. still feeling tired.yet its exams period. how sucky can it be. i miss pri, sec sch days. poly- only the last 2 sem. thinkin abt poly sure like recall some stuff. i probably miss the guidance and encouragements that someone was there to provide me. miss that presence but it doenst wanna look at me one glance. or least for my sake, work on the missing gap? towards the present and future. what am i suppose to do. so many questions. so much for irony and soap opera.

hate exams. worst period now. big time.

suppose to be studyin! sheesh its harder than i thought. things are like just floating in my mind. really in confusion. cant seem to focus. yest i had some scary experience. think the pervious owner kinda screwed up or something. had 3 policemen came knocking on my door. then i like got questioned. thought like we shifted in not long?i said,"its been 10 or 11 years since i stayed here?!"(probably tried damn hard to smile as sweetly as i can cause i didnt wana get like involved!) they were like,"what?!" do their real-time records suck or what. found out from dad its not the first time, even the immigration checkpt looking for them. the most embarrassing part- i was in my "py"-t-shirt and fbt shorts. those who know me well enough would realised why i was so paiseh. in the end, still they took my full name and i/c no. oh well. kinda freaky.

had classes last night. so wanna cry cause i didnt know anything. crap- its freaking economics! now i having sore throat again. sucks.

back to studying. tryin to forget the things for the moment. seems like the harder i try, it stays even more stubbornly. sigh. missing something here. waiting for the gap to be filled.

rough patches. i feel as though these rough edges will never be smooth once again. sometimes i feel the whole filing process is just so tiring and draining. ange says that my blog is nothing but complains. as though im the only one who is going thru stress and all. this is my blog and i dont see why i shld be writing abt things that i dont feel like writing. but i dont think so cause this is how honestly i feel everyday. not tt i've no better days, just that i guess showing certain feelings is just not it. not that it will change nor help anything. so if there anyone of you out there who feels that way, really, not tt i wana be blunt, pls dont read it then.

on sat, after all that morning rush to bishan to set up caleb's birthday decor, rushing down to class without luncho (got 'ya kun' bread though =)), then going back to to the party totally famished. later dropping by the hospital to visit grandpa who is getting discharged for him cause the docs can do nothing for him. too many health implications to have an op to clear some block artieries at least. living on medication and on a heart that works 25%?! i dont know what else to say. when i came back, i missed someone so much. he's always been constantly on my thoughts and i guess i always hoped that things will be different. like a new hope between us. i laid flat on my bed. i felt as though as if my body were to just collapse. felt numb, drained, tired and so useless. there i had exams, i was abt to have a major break down. took a nap thinking i may be rejuvenated. wrong. still the same. it was the heart that was so weak now. just shattered till it cant be mended again. currently, some issues had to be settled till im thru with my degree.

yest, i kept thinking abt someone. i wonder how he was and all. wondered if i said those things, will he think abt it. will he get back some sense one day. will he ever know and realised how i feel deep down inside. i guess i need him now with what im going thru but i had to do it. will he ever know? i wish. every night, i tear to know that i still feel so much for him but i cant tell him. casue it is always abt his selfish thoughts and reasons for himself. all abt how he feels and all. just abt him. not once will be said-its over, let's start anew. forgetting everything else behind. its us in new hopes and not just him. i wonder why i cant forget him. maybe someone who get thru to you will tell you how i feel. i wish you still stop, take a step back and just listen. just simply listen. instead of justifying everything else which holds no reasons anymore. its the past. i hope you can hear me, i'll always be missing you. hope you will turn back one day.

exams are around the corner. really have to study and taking up alot of my concentration. at least i have things to filled up the entire mind.

why God? everything in your time. i trusted You. in hope for you to do the impossible. in hope that u would pave the path of salvation for grandpa. i held my faith so strong that u will set things right if i let go. yet, against time, its now so unpredictable. yet i cant do anything. what else u want from me? i have nothing else to rely on now. as alone in how i am feeling, it sucks to the core. im so tired of tellin or showing everyone how i feel and how im managing. im dying, Dad. i looked at the photographs. there lies the memories walking out of the front door. i cant afford it now. dont push me this way. please, i beg you-hear my cries. not now.

God, pls dont sent the rain to cry along with me. i need You to hold me. catch my falling tears.

man overboard. projects seriously just drowns everything from ya mind. this week, cant really connect with my emotional feelings. somehow, im numbed to what i am feeling. yet, i felt that carefree happiness flying ard my head. haven been really spending time with God. feel as though im avoiding him cause of something. i guess when i just wana like get away with what's happenin in my life, i just somewhat will just like think abt Him for a while, get on with my daily work in a student. but being that student often at times i feel myself drifting far away when i just wana do my work. probably cause i've deadline to meet, panicking cause it seems like exams are like just a stone's throw away but im still strugglin with projects. haven start studying. so afraid that i screw everything up. so being so caught in the midst of all these things, i guess more often i tend to do things on my own strength. thankfully, reading ecclesiates sometimes gets me on track. a reminder to look all ard me. to know i've friends who still cared for me. constantly remindin me abt how to put God foremost in my life in whatever i do. tt's what i need to be reminded. i guess growing up in a family, who never moved beyond their salvation-im pretty ignorant when it comes to certain things. now, i've friends and God, willing to go thru with me my roughest patches in life like now. all that emotional tide. willing to listen to my cryin, whining and haha, a few sudden out burst at times due to studies, have-to-be-forgotten memories, family, worship and etc. i guess im picking a few more 'stuff' from Him along the way. maybe like what wayne said, love is a choice. both God and i do have a choice. haha, He chose to love me so deep while i, my love for Him is nothing compared to His. absolutely in awe.

back to doin projects at such an ungodly hour. boring. its so draining. stress!

waking to a raining morning, this view its not something that comes by accidentally but only thru God's creation. i love this pic. its so peaceful. no rush hour. no traffic. took this pic 3 weeks ago on a sunday morning just before goin out of the house to serve the Lord in children's ministry. reminded me of how such a beautiful morning, its a God-given, blessed day. thank You Father. "Remember your Creator in the days of thy youth.."
..its so easy to call You saviour, but not close enough to call You God..i just want to fall in love with You..

introducing my fav band. 'thorns and roses'. haha! we played so damn well. seriously. i love you guys man. of course not forgetting the guit i used today, i love it to the core. its a electric guit? thinkin of buy it. oh shucks! anyway, enjoy the pics of my band.

my couz-in-law, yan. hot babe on e drums! looking good as ever=)

samat on the bass. the rocker-wanna-be. heh.

del, e groovy babe on keys. (ignore karen.ha!)

karen on strings..concentration!

lastly, me. trying hard...=)

Some of the pics taken while jammin... more musicians joined us! the more the merrier unto the Lord! cheers.

During service, i was super emo. we had to wash each other's feet just like Jesus did. i cant imagine. i felt like the biggest sinner, so unworthy. but i knew, i am saved thru God's grace and love. touched. ever grateful. the least i could do, was to sing praises unto His name. took a pic of karen, del and pastor shih ming.

well, hope you guys enjoyed my pictorial entry! its speaks more than words. off to watch midnight movie with jem! corpse's bride. hope its good. tired. i still got projects. sian. exams. ever a silent mental killer.

maybe now i really regret not leaving for melbourne to study. i shld have just gone. just be my own. i hate it everytime my parents have to like use me in between to get their trust or be their witness or something. its like so getting on my nerves. i mean, why cant they just put their damn stuff and settle behind closed doors cause im so damn not interested in their affair anymore. im so so tired of this whole damn business in the house. i hate it when i get to between when i dont want to. what the hell is wrong with them? maybe i dont even know why they are together in the first place when they dont even trust each other not to mention they just assume and assume each other. what the hell. where God in their relationship?! i dont really exist in anyone's life anyway. even if im gone, no would even notice. i hate it now. living in this house. i dont feel happy at all. not one bit at all. so much for stayin cause i didnt want to leave them like this state. maybe God paved the way to melbourne but i didnt see it. i hate whatever i am feeling now. what i have to be like being their guarantor or something. its so damn unfair. why family and love are the most complicated things that existed? why things cant be that simple?

last night had dinner at phoenix hotel. didnt really had much appetitie cause my 'best friend' decided to visit me of all days. so anyway, i felt quite bad really for having to leave halfway. in the afternoon, thought i wanted to wrap mum's present but next thing i knew she msg said she was comin back! after i realised i haven wrapped, i like rushing thru preparing it. totally absent-minded. left it on her bed, then when she came up the stairs, told her to close her eyes, gave a mini, "totally impromptu" suprise. glad she liked all pressies! heh. she liked mine cause i had a paper red rose for her. awww sweet.

prac was cool. haha. had a lift from ben. haha, poor thing again, waited me for supper! haha an hr?not so bad lah. fetched karen home then we went to thompson to eat supper. i kinda like the honey paper prata. or maybe cause its jus the honey. took a spin after that before heading back home to do my proj! must aim to clear tonight! so weekend i got bit of freedom. hopefully. can feel the stress again. oh no. =( exams are like 2 wks and i haven started also. hmmmm. i need good time management now! pray for me guys! sigh. sad life!

read zongyao's entry on 'the perfect guy'. very interesting. well, there wont be such a guy but i guess i would be contented to a fair extent. i wouldnt want complain too much. ha.

today went out breakfast with zongyao. haha, when he called me he was like sayin there are so many students. i thought was pretty normal till when i went in, i saw the this whole bunch of RVH kids near us. i tell you! i felt like i left sec sch so long ago.. and i was just like giving that look to zongyao. haha. its been so long-had my craving hotcakes and sausage! haha, then evelyn came ard like 1140. after eating i got some songs from him! whaha yay! thks boy!! we watched russell peters again and other few hilarious emails from evelyn's lappy. feels so good to laugh that much in the late morning. just cheers up the day.

tmr is mum's birthday. but i feel so caught in between cause of dinner and i've got band prac. oh well in order to be at 2 places in one time. is to be late for one. haha. still got projects! must finish one by this week! just hope i do correctly. sigh.

went out with ben yest to get my materials for caleb's birthday. im in-charge of the entrance so i gota do a doorway curtain (stars and moon i think) then i bought like 2 big cardboard. ben was hilarious. he seriously can think of the weirdest thoughts man. haha. so funny! =) poor guy, had to really follow me. we had to like ran in the rain cause i needed to go concourse! haaha, he had to always run ahead to see if there's some thru road. seriously, if singapore builds walkway that cant even shelter from rain, they might as well dun built it! aiyo. haha, so cool, i had someone to carry it for me and accompanyin me(your defence for the nation is too slack big time..)! haha, thks so much!=)

i wake up every morning thinking about it. its feels so imcomplete. i have to live with something you build within me(its not finished without something) but you dont get to see it. i have to live it everyday without you, but having to remember you. emo listenin to power 98. what am i suppose to do.