the hardest thing i've ever done so far. maybe the most self- centred person on earth too. just feel really lousy after lsat night. but what is decided, i'll leave it as that. i guess i sort of tried but with not much improvement cause probably i cant think and do as well as some. i dont really know why. maybe i wish i am able to sort out more than i can, think more like some pple can- not my ability. maybe its just my character. the way im brought up. not be easily content with certain things in life. able to express myself better. maybe to others like what i did may seem small, but to me was like big step in trying to do something not in my nature. trying hard to socialise and build that fellowship. failed miserably- typically and expectally. i really dont know what's happening exactly right now. just so tired. really didnt expect to be settling things with friends. the very last thing on my mind. seems to me, every aspect just came down at the same time. maybe its just better im left alone cause i still have stamina to run, settle my own problems and frustrations. maybe, all these while, everything was just me- i didnt know anything. no one really said anything to each other.

i guess i never wanted to say anything else cause i didnt want that pity. i didnt want pple to know how is my life like cause i didnt like to be a centre of problems. i didnt need that. i guess i wished things would have been different. i wanted to ask for help, but listening yest, i felt more appreciative in the group now that it is said, i just somehow felt i was like the main burden of the group. somehow that conversation just landed up making me felt even more guilty. touched to know i have them all these while when i at times think they didnt want to bother anymore cause they were tired. overjoyed cause i knew i never saw wrongly about my friends. but i felt extremely awkward and i guess i didnt want to ask for help in my relationships. as for me probably maintain the friendships, as the bs, one step at a time. probably now i where i've gone wrong, maybe i'll find that courage to try and make that effort in friendships again one day.

i had my best time after so long. just laughing with peche about jokes. they are so funny :) at least i still remember how to laugh at some point and could understand what was going on. the sweetest moments with pals.

spent some time with wayne last night. he came down in the end to find me after a worried phonecall from him. the least i could do, for a dear friend and brudder of mine. we chilled at HV's NYDC. treated him to a mudpie cause his birthday is coming! cheered ourselves up with chocolates!

sat is my last paper. haha! finally after 3 mths of torture. just so sian of keep that studyin momentum- seemed like eternity... met up with evelyn to study yest. haha thks for the chat, babe! haha i bet it must be so boring listenin to all my same frustrations all the time.

i've to study now. sigh. life can be so complicated. God, i ask of you to help me. seriously, help me. -reading Psalms 42. crying-

"Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquietened within me? Hope in God, for i shall yet praise Him for the help of His counternance." Psalms 42:5

do not have much things to update this week. basically, was emo the whole week cause i thought thru abt lotsa of stuff. some things- still: square one but i know its not within my power to change facts. so to pass my time, i didnt really study as im extremely demoralised after failing my dm project by 2 marks?! not sure if i'll fail another cause 35% of the class flunk. just kinda lost that determination to study. instead, i was baby-sitting in boon lay. had nightmares having to walk by that place after all that happened in the past. walkin past that house- i always felt that grip of fear and hate inside. but i had to quickly chuck it away. baby-sitting was fun! haha, helped my lose weight i think! jumped ard like crazy, chasin that fat hippo, laughin like crazy, trainin my arm muscles with a 12kg kid on one hand(carrying the kido ard)! im strong k- dun 'pray pray'.

i fell sick on sun evening- flu and cough. had bit of fever. what an irony to the above statement. haha. im not fully recovered yet.

caught 'harry potter & the goblet of fire' with shawn, his schoolmate triston and jem. honestly, i felt the movie was not as good as the book! cut away scences like i duno-till the show was like just dangling except for the tri-wizard cup tournament. the roles of all the casts were like bit messed up. bit sad after watching e show. was expecting something better? anyway, i end my exams next sat! i still wana watch 'just like heaven'- any takers?

to friends, i changed my hairstyle recently so dun die of shock. i know a few who has cause they cant recongnise me. this is my pic with jo! we got our hair coloured and yea here we look awfully cute! though at that pt of time, (face to face with me)the effects was suppose to be cool. had comments-looking good and cool! dare to be different. im also not use to my looks but i love the colour! its red!! muhaha. dun mess ard with me =)

jo and me! for memory's sake.

advert for canon camera! haha =) wanna employ me? not bad la, right...?

must i always show that im 'hoping'? i guess no matter how hard i try to give it up, i guess there's always that part of me still waiting for you. even though i try to live my life as normal as i can, it will never be filled again. maybe i thought this week changed something or had 'slight improvement' but yea. i guess when i thought things changed for the better, its comes out like this. i thought i could fill your empty space.. i wish i could. how i wish for that.

just really had such loved, blessed time whenever i saw and read ya msg this week. i was so glad to have that smile always again cause its... you. :)

guess i screwed it up again. guess i can never provide you that assurance and happiness u did for me. but i guess i never can express myself in that way you needed to see. you're never a failure whether you wanted to believe or not. never was and never will be to me. wished i could make you smile. take away all that doubts. wish i could- giving you all the answers you need but i cant.

grandpa's eye getting better. but he only lights up at the sight of caleb. rest of it- its jut nothing. a wall. i don't know what else to really say nor do. afraid.

i never wanted you to leave from the bottom of my heart. but why didnt you tell me you were thinkin if things were working out? if could have. we could have prayed and tried. but i guess i always screwed it up. always causing the unexpected things to happened. don't always say that it makes me feel better cause it doesnt. i guess you had a hardest time to choose that way. it didnt had to be but you wanted it that way. up to you. i've no say. sorry for not being someone you need. im truly am. a lifetime regrets- i wont find anyone else. i've stopped. -loved.

studies sucks to the core. living in uncertainty.

family- i withdrew back so i don't have to a 'vouch' for anyone. i don't need to be treated that way. i hate to be a reserve.

i don't need anyone's sympathy. everything is fine. its too late for amendments. ungrateful.

leave me alone. i left my fancy world. kept shut in my shell. gone for good. don't bother bringing me back to earth. i love the way i am.

i learnt in life nothing works out. maybe even if you held a faith so dear, things will not what it seems. i guess today is the longest day in my life. things that happened to me from 2003 till now. past will be the past. memories will stay. so will the nightmares. facts will be facts. so will the pain too. i guess i did it to try forget everything i was feeling. but i only added to my own pain and confusion. i tried to abide to my principles and beliefs. i couldnt. mr. devil, you got me there. you did. you had to go out to get me down so far till this point. why. get away from me. why God. why everything now. why both you pushin me so damn far. i made a choice and what else did you want from me. from today onwards, leave me alone to live my life the way it should and could have been.

i failed my project-dm. probably about to fail another b.log. i guess my degree works for nothing now also.

tired of holding on for everything. emotions shut for eternity. whatever happens, today is the last day i will learn to shed my tears. tmr onwards, good and bad, i will only register a smile. i dont see how else how bad my life can become. i am happy. better to be left alone for good.

i am strong. always am.

feeling that loneliness again. as im typing these words, im lookin at the clouds. dark clouds looming over that bright sunshine sky. the rain seem to always know when im extremely down, it just seem to always prepare itself to cry with me (at least, im comforted to know im not crying alone). so is Heaven. maybe God is tellin me what He wants to cry along with me whenever my heart aches and my mind lost in a whirl. i tried to do my q.t just now but the moment i opened my book, just distracted in thoughts, i prayed and closed it again. i knew i had an appt with God. i was suppose to give my attention to Him. just like how we are dating someone and more often than not, we want that undivided attention when you're alone with that person- its just a 2-person world. nothing matters. no other problems nor troubles should be in the way. its just that feeling of love you get when surrounded by love. its just you and Him. that love is suppose to great and sufficient to overcome all fears and problems; to know He is with you at every step of the way. never forsaking you. but im not there somehow. i feel dejected, cause i cant seem to get the rest of the stuff of the way for that special moment with Him. my relationship with others is weighing so heavily on my heart. i cant seem to get that part of me right. i dont know what im lacking. im suppose to be concentrating on my studies but its just put off. i sometimes wished so much i can see God. i want so much to get that hug from Him. His soft whisper in my ears to tell me it was going to be fine and that He'll let it all come to a pass at this very second. that particular touch of love and smile upon my face. He loves me and is the reason that i am drawing strength, courage and will to live from.

i am a strong girl. i am a determine person. i am and will be as always.

im thinking of you again. will you ever tell me and let me know your feelings? or is it i will have to keep you at a distance, peekin glances, and probably at the very last minute you will tell me or even when it is too late? is there nothing good at the relationship you can work at? honestly, i dont know to improve our relationship if we're not even working on it. not meeting, not spending time nor communicating. i dont see how the relationship will improve by doing nothing. you only talk to me when you think of me, have you consider how it feels like to be in my place? everyone else sees my pain except you. it seems like everyone can identify all the stuff happening to me but you. i completely no idea why it is so oblivious to you- of all people. you will never know how it feels like. not in this lifetime. lucky you. will you ever come and be there for me if there is a day i need you more than ever? i can only hope that part of you, im not wrong.

rain down on me. kiss the rain whenever you need me.

sometimes i cant get more pissed at my dad. typically nowadays. but here i am like praying ultra damn hard that im not losing my temper. like he calls me a million times just to test his hands- free set to see if it is spoilt... is fine. like FINE. seriously im ok with it. but what i dont like is that, along the way, he starts raising his voice at me. wassup with that!? like as if im the one who spoilt your ear piece! wth. then came evening when i just called to ask if they were pickin me up from my grandma's hse, he seemed so irritated and he had that stupid tone of his again. i mean, honestly, i dont think i wanna blame anyone if like they made or received a innocent phonecall, then all that person does is just raise their voice over piece of plastic that is covering you ear, expecting you to fully understand that their problems and all gives every right for what they are suppose to be and still be smiling yourself silly like some idiot. argh. im so damn irritated. big time. damn it really.

i forgot to attend classes today. oh well. slipped off my mind. but bought 10 fishes today. after 'e-yones' my fishtank decided to like just die off of 'epicdemic' disease within. haha, finally its filled again. cheerios.

miss you. not that he really would do anything abt it. i've gotten used to liking him from afar and the way he is treating me conveniently. im beginning to just feel im not important to him thru his actions. i guess its just convenient to say not being there for me physically cause he dont have to make any time for me then. not even for a min over the phone to ask how i am doing. so much for tellin pple there's still feelings for me- dont see a reason why it should be. its just the perfect self- denial, dont-have-to-do-anything-abt-it method. i've seen it all. maybe i wished now (so bad) that i would come to be in his life when he knows what he wants and need. in that person. then, maybe i would have his attention naturally and how it used to be. maybe i would be so special and meant something to him then. if only he knew. if only.

i dont really know what to make out of you. you tell friends that you still have feelings for me, yet for anything you talk to me as if im just a friend. have i not been tellin you enough what is the only few things that so "happening" in my life? grandpa? my relationship with my parents? my feelings for you? yet you still could ask me what's happening. unbelieveable. am i that shallow to actually just any-o-how go with a guy just because he likes me and i'll just go with him because he keeps me happy. oh wow. of all people, you had that thought crossed your mind. problem: always thinking you know the whole situation. think you shld just LISTEN. then u think what to say and start rattling away.

sometimes talking to you, i feel happy. yet, when i need you to console me, whatever is happening revolving ard you, is still bigger than my pain. there's never the question how i was feeling but just you were goin thru in all your training. all i can do is still smile when im losing someone/ people with each passing day. i dont know why i am. why should i be even. i dont even know.

yesterday went to grands place and i almost like choke on my breathe when i saw grandpa. his left eye was so bloodshot. seriously, bloodshot. i dont know what had happened. it looked like dead fish, those eyes that are super red, with that outer layer. somehow i just freaked out even though i was a first aider before. i am never scared of blood (gory, yes i am afraid but blood- no). i didnt dare look at grandpa in the eye. i couldnt bring myself to so i buried myself in my books. but i was feeling so damn lousy. like so helpless. i wished i had some healing powers or something. i said i short prayer to calm myself down. but i was seriously feeling downright like crap. cried a little. went to sleep it off. in the evenin, i had to settle some personal issues- seems never ending. i dont know why. didnt go for bs. just couldnt feel right with God either.

argh, this sucks when like when the most basic essential is just faltering. sucks when you cant get it right with God, you can never get anything else right. darn. what a cycle.

sometimes i dont know why i hold the faith in so many areas but none are like working out either. makes me wonder if God is really there at times. ponder if my prayers and cries has been processed up there in heaven to Him. am i really walking that road of faith? thinking of someone.

i watched oprah today. talked about drug and alcohol addiction. how this guy like came back at the brim of death 13 years ago. it was an amazing journey. the struggles of rage, hatred, confusion, lost, no love and hopeless. but he had 2 words to keep him runnin, " hold on". i think there was this sentence that he mention that kinda made me think how true and how we sometimes humans think so shallow, everything just revolving around us and our pain and troubles. he went thru seriously crap, yet, his life became a powerful testimonial to many of addicts or those who are walking along side, helping them, to understand their pain, struggles and emotions- thru a book! prob will attempt to find that book," a million pieces" ( i think) by james frey. haha! i got my whole set of "the chronicals of narnia" by C. S Lewis. muhahaha =)

"... its only when we know HOW to not fear our innemost fears, pressure, past, present and future, then only we can live life up to what and how we want it to be." - james frey

last sun, it was so so fun!!! able to back-up sing for 11 am service! got feedback that the singers did a extremely good job esp the ladies! the harmonizing & all. yay =)

exams coming. gota study for distribution management. kinda sian like of exams being dragged so long. but oh well, at least i can look forward to having my hairstyle changed on 22th nov. heh. meeting jo to do it. probably highlight... whether to change hairstyle- still thinkin la.

had a ultra expensive dinner last night when i met up with david and ange. so broke.. and its only tues!

many decisions now left in my hands. so confusing. dont know what to do but pray abt it! but i feel so sad and guilty abt it. sigh.

before he set off to meet us. check out this suit! heart melt laaaa...

"oh please... can we go now?? i want my birthday booze!"

don't we make a great pair?! 19 yrs apart. rankin no. 1 and 11 in the 3rd generation

2 pretty ladies servin the little prince. ha!

f.a.m.i.l.y

sebastian n mum lettin caleb do bartop dancing?? he sure did got tons of attention.

caleb's free bday sundae. i'll get mine next yr... really soon!

look how happy he is. muackz! loveya caleb!

end of celebration. he was on 'high'. drank too much. muhaha.

i went to sentosa, siloso beach yest with eve, lorraine and joyce. it was kinda a hilarious day. there was my morning incident which onyl gals shld know la yea. ok firstly, some 'beach' outing. cause we only met at 1130-everyone was late! haha, oh well. met up at the hawker, then kinda decided to head down to subway for luncho. hung ard at harbourfront to get some stuff and look-see at some shops also. by the time, it was 130 we left. took the bus, took some pics. whaha. i had a bad hair day, therefore the cap man. i was feeling very tired. then by the time we reach sentosa, someone said there's go-kart. went to check it out-well... its not exactly one. not really fun.

so finally! head down to the beach. i was kinda excited to get a tanned, when... we still had to look for some stuff for eve. then we changed out, joyce forgotten to bring her shorts! so off both of us we went to the billabong store while eve and lorraine bought from another shop. this joyce was.. haha so picky and funny. the best part was lorraine when she tried a bikini and it was kinda too small for her. how we really burst into laughter- lighting up the whole shop. while waiting i saw a white billabong wallet! kinda a guy thing but i was so nice la. maybe i wanna get my hands on it! it is so damn nice an cool la!(i know im like gushin over it) anyway, my birthday is coming. *hint hint* heh. so after we all pretty much done, im the one making noise cause the sun was covered with clouds la. no i only got tanned abit. haha.

joyce had to make this joke at the beach when she saw so many birds. cause of the recent global health issues, she asked a bird, " hey bird! do you have a flu??"

i just sat in the water and just died laughing. ouch. my tummy hurts from all that 'mini exercise'.

this sunday im singing with yan and del for 11am service! happy happy. backup for samat i think. ha! nervous too. but its for the Lord, yeps.

later im going to meet shawn, amanda and another gal(cant get her name) from swordfish groupie i think..we're gonna have luncho and play pool. haha.

im thinking of you. missing you. wondering if you are feeling the same, but i cant expect much already. i cant forget you. i dont know how. always waiting for your sms. but it never came.

i miss you. i need you. cant explain all the things you are making me feel. will you even look this way.

i miss you terribly. all i can do is shed my tears to know you will never tell me anything about how you feel abt me.

last sun, had yado and another andrew-both from barker who came by to visit our church. haha..yado was really funny and pretty. didnt really get to interact with andrew though..had breakfast with them. haha..glad that we're in contact-more friends!

family is just disastrous.

take me away (acoustic) - lifehouse
This time what I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place
This time you burn me with your eyes
You see past all the lies
You take it all away
I've seen it all
It was never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

(chorus)
Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away
I try to make my way to you

But still I feel so lost
I don't know what else I can do
Cause I've seen it all
It was never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Don't give up on me yet
Don't forget who I am
I know I'm not there yet
But don't let me stay here alone

I've seen it all
And it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you
I've seen enough
And it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away
take me away
take me away

tmr got barker (methodist church) friends coming. read dorcus email jsut now. prob gota take care of guests. everyday im just faking a smile cause if i cry, i know its weakness in your eyes. thought we were happy together. never was. and only to find out after one half years. coldness.

sorry bro, i guess i cant comfort you too but only i can fully understand how you feel. thks for the song ' because of you' by kelly clarkson. i guess it really depicts our situations. how the lyrics just fit in.

i did my project till 4am today. sleepy. woke up at 650 to prepare myself to leave for school to hand up my project. walked in the rain. tears with rain. such a cold, cold day. scared. so, so afraid.

confused. tired. betrayed over what i thought i 'had' after all 2 yrs. thought you were happy. i guess i just only bring unhappiness into your life. i was never meant to be yours, i guess. i never knew cause you dont tell me. what am i suppose to do. even if you love me, you also dont say. i cant read thoughts. sometimes i just need to know. you never told me how to love you. i thought my God was so big that His grace and trust in Him is sufficient to survive in a relationship. from everything from the start, i got it wrong.

.unforgiven. i blew it. you will never take me back although you still like me but dont wanna admit it. i dont know why. i wanted so much for us now to hold hands and pray together. its never gonna happen unless you choose.

.crying. missing you - your smile. hugs. kisses. your stares to me. the way you talk. but i became and always unoticed. you will never understand how it feels like.

communication sucks even though there's advanced technology.

i've returned to my cold, empty shell. once again. realised that the sun had never existed.

family situation: its just a matter of time.

there's one chance that comes by only once, to love and be loved.

Broken- seether feat Amy Lee of evanescence

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel light when you're gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

i thought we knew each other. only to know after 1 and half yrs, i was never to begin with cause i was insecure. my space will never be filled by you. only you can but you had choose to go. it was only my wishful thinkin you will ask me to stay. its just a wish. there's no such thing as love. none.

emptiness.

today is procasination! im like really so stuck at my project didnt really touch unless tmr i go lib to do some research..so meetin eve at 11am. i really dont remember visiting the national library that OFTEN until this year. sigh. bookworm. haha.

brought grandpa and grandma to changi airport just now. honestly, i hope i dont get caught speedin. hmmm. haha. but i dont really care either for now. but it was fun to cruise along the expressway and i really like driving on highways. think they are pretty relaxing. i so wana get my own car! i saw a car- picanto (KIA). i dont mind even if its a 1000cc lah. so long i can move ard. haha. its saves on petrol right? think its s good thing to get a small car.. though i still prefer my dad's car pickup. met hwee ling! haha..she's workin at the customer service desk at the airport. thought she look pretty! as usual lah. with her height..we managed to chit chat for a while and observing the kind of question that people can ask. its pretty amazing cause they can seriously ask the dumbest questions.

met up with weijian yest at mac. haha..so fun to catch with old friends again.. next week is prob with ange and david. gota call them soon. i'll upload my photos with caleb soon! haha.. he's so cute lah. just melts my heart. awww..

for now, its project. again. will attempt to type something later. goodness.