did i mention that i've been chosen as a CEO of my proj grp. whaha.

watch out. tt shall be my future job.

before that, i have to make sure my business strategy works. muhahaha.

i've gota choose my company name. it gota start with 'a'. any cool suggestions?

CEO- future aspiration. not bad. for the time being, purchaser.

..random experience..
tuesday night was great when i had dinner with my parents. ate from our favourite store, fish porridge, had char kuay tiao and satay for side dishes. yums. it was nice enjoying the cool weather and just sitting there looking at the hawker lifestyle- full of zest and excitement. everyone is walking around to either find a seat or serving customers. even if there are not serving any at the moment, store owners would just sit there to gossip or talk about random topics. this is my favourite part-the watchman. i felt as though i was being sucked into to community or "gang" when those of us (customers) drove and had park at the parking space- did not put coupon. i know its wrong but it was so exciting to see when someone would just shout, "kah-chua!" (hokkien for cockroach), also aka for parking attendant. somehow, there will be echos through the entire hawkerplace! typically, most guys would scramble down to save themselves from a parking ticket. it quite a comical sight! yet, it was nice when the fish porridge store came up to my dad, "hey, did u put a coupon?!" (in hokkien). that little care for customers even though it is a hawker. what i call- customer service. ha!

last evening i took bus 174 to school. it was nothing out of the ordinary (except i was running late). felt like any other day. right at the stop, the lady beside me got off at tangs' bustop. this is where it all begun. the moment she got off, this really huge, fat guy sat beside me. i dun exactly discriminate against fat people but i was being 'suffocated' very indirectly. there was this odd odour from from him! yet, i couldnt move cause the bus was pretty crowded (not doin any help cause no ventilation of air!) and i just didnt wanna make things so obvious i jus moved to one seat to another. partly i thought it was unnecessary cause i wasa alighting soon. but hell no. i was praying silently, 'oh Lord. save me.' i sat near the door. each the door opened for passengers to alight, i would take in a deep breathe and endure again. maybe it was comical if u behind us, u see the amazing contrast in size. when it was near my stop, usually im the kind, who would wait till the bus stops then i would get up and walk towards the exit. but for the exception, i stood right up when the bus was heading to my stop. i could not take it anymore! got off? yes, it was oxygen. once again- air that i could breathe through my nostrils. thank God.

projects are really getting to me. last night in class, all whole group just realised that we've 2 +1(resubmit) projects due on the very same day! now im seriously struggling with the service operation cause i didnt wana to copy blindly but is it just me or my textbook really sucks. they dont give a definition for the term used, instead they use examples. seriously, im so tired. jus really need sleep and yet i cant cause of the crazy questions asked. i feel like im goin mad. help. guys, pls pls pray for me.

indeed God's graciousness has befall upon me regarding about my other porject which i had to "redo". it was only mainly due to one part which i failed so i have to jus focus mainly on that part. thank God.

about my christian walk. it was weird that at times you feel like so close to God for one whole week then next thing you know because of a sin, you just feel so distant all over again. yet, some sin is not just something you say 'be gone from me, you evil thoughts/thing!' and its gone. at the snap of your fingers. but there are times when the harder you fight, the more the sin is uncontrollable. i do get confuse at times when i always trust God to move me away from that direction but it is not happening. ironically, God is suppose be that extra 'strength' to fight off that sin when you, as a human flesh cannot do it on your own. so what's the deal? i sound like some young christian though i seem to have believe in this faith for what it seems-a long time. i am not sure if i am making sense of this entry, but would like to know opinions.

help?

never felt so low in my life. guess nw im really stress and at a loss of what to do or to say. my transport mgt project is unsatisfactory so i have to redo. i dun really know how am i suppose to manage when i still got 5 more coming my way. i do not exactly have any time to do add a project into the schedule cause the deadlines are consecutive weeks. after my projects straight, are the exams.

shucks.

Lord, help me. grant me strength and endurance. Help me to claim on the promise You have better plans for me. Let me be righteous in Your sight- choosing the right options. Pls help me thru.

save me. i feel like breaking down.

some random contest i took.

The Carefree
You are a woman full of surprises and a very charismatic individual who owns a great artistic sense and a carefree spirit which sets an example to many conformists. You don't follow fashion trends. You invent them. Men tend to go crazy over your unpredicted ways. You like to escape from routine and with you, any moment is unique and your presence is always felt by others.

You are a woman of both, par Amour and par Amour toujours.

hmmm.. comments?

i like.

have you wondered or struggled with time management? do you feel sometimes the whole world u know wants a piece of your time? next thing you know, you feel suffocated and frustrated because it seems so impossible to split your time up.

i was bathing when the question strucked me. i was just doing my qt on servanthood and leadership in the christian world. one of the question that posted was, "when Jesus said to wash other's feet, what are some ways you can do that?" i found myself dumbfounded. cause first, they said it wasnt about doing what people asked and i got confused. i started to recall how i was so frustrated with my mum when she threw me a statement that i was not spending enough time with the family, about a couple of weeks ago. then, i felt i was not to be blame cause of the way things worked within my family. i didnt asked for circumstances or the way my surroundings worked around me. i didnt asked for my family to be like that. i didnt asked for bad days or mood swings to be swung into my way. i just didnt feel very justified when it was thrown to me. self-pity? maybe.

yet, i cant help but thinking, what if one of the ways of servanthood(washing other's feet) for me was to spilt my time to the max so i could spend time my family, miah, school proj and work and including God and myself- as it is something i can do. it is something i can bent for the weekend though it was out of my comfort zone. i should find out with my cell memebers later.

i had a fabulous time yest with karen and florence. it was florence's birthday and we've decided to surprise her. i really enjoyed my conversation with karen. one thing that stood out was how i intertwinged my personal matters with God and it affects my relationship with Him. it shouldnt happen. human nature, i think it is such a natural reaction when something bad happens, we linked to God. we sometimes lose trust and hope in our faith. but i think life, having God living in us, is about having a sense of purpose. trying to be Christ-like. now, lessons on servanthood is something what God has done. being a Christian is not just about being a good person or how to live your life in the right way; but it is about having faith in what you believe in and hope that utimately, knowing that was the right thing to do. no regrets and resentments of the decisions made.

as for my time, i could have been selfish if i didnt want to fit my time into others. what others thought of me was uncontrollable. but i think it is something i can do over the weekend, to try to be with everyone. having family time, spending time with someone i truly liked and still, able to have time with God and lastly, my personal time and space. even if it means giving up things i like to do over weekend. it is something i truly want: time with everyone since i cant get them togther. it is not about recognition for my act of deeds, but i hope each of them do see beyond that. if i cant give anything materialistic, i will give my time. i hope e people i love will see that one day. in order to spend time with another party, you just gota put away your mood swings or selfish thoughts(like wanting people to serve you cause you are having a bad day), to know what's going on the other side. maybe that person is feeling as low as you are, but may need the comfort so much more.

on the brighter note? you have something in common to cry about! you could have a crying partner for that day! haha.

for me now, i think i am comfortable with my weekends, though it is hard and tiring, but i think its the right thing to do. i enjoy it.

i am seriously, extremely angry with my project groupmates. im seriously am.

where's the mutual respect and integrity.

is it that bloody hard to sms if you had wanted to do on your own.

seriously bloody hell. stink being nice at times.

im sorry who ever crosses my way today and im gonna be taking out. but yes, im controlling very hard.

sigh. dun understand why. oh why why why. just when i have completely no idea how to restructure my sentences for the transportation report, my lecturer had to ask for a bloody soft copy for this semester (for evaluation)- all because of one stupid gal who handed up soft copy and its not even required. i am so screwed to the heavens cause i had practically copy and paste my report from all over, using different webbies. just one paragraph and that the end of of my degree.

why oh why. bloody hell. stupid lecturer. stupid mistake. argh. projects not going well this semester. so nooooot goin well.

bloody frustrated. shld pray. but will God see why i had to copy and paste. doesnt seem justifiable.

sunday's sermon. probably it is gonna be my favourite sermon of the year.



-we are ordinary people empowered by God. of course we can do so much better if we work together, having the same goal, aim and objective. same vision and mission. we work as one.

- love is a choice. we choose who to love and who not to love. love is not just a feeling. it is a dedication. it is about giving time and a listening ear to others when they need you to just hear them out. to just let them be. we are to show them love. we are to treat others as how God would love others. Not by selfishness, not by your own agenda(time/plans)-but really just being there 24-7. God had shown dedication by giving His time, despite having tons of things to do, He still listen when He could choose not to. yet, He showed His love through dedication of love for others. that's it true love. not a relationship just based on feelings, but it is the want to be in the other person's life.

question 1: how dedicated are you to your loved ones, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends or acquaintances? do u fit them in your own time? what's your commitment level?

-why? (the most difficult question to answer on earth)
1. God commands it - "bear one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ." [galatians 6:2]
2. We become more like Jesus - "For i have given you an example, that you should do as what i have done to you." [john 13:15]
3. We can learn true love - "my little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth." [1 john 3:18]; "therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful." [luke6:36]
4. we're blessed to be a blessing - "i will make you a great nation; i will bless you and make you name great; and you shall be a blessing." [genesis 12:2]; "but he who did not know, yet commited things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few. for everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they shall ask the more. [luke 12:8]

- so what's your problem? what is stopping you? is there a barrier stopping you from fufilling your call from God?
-main problem: fear. typical reasons given are:

1. no time
-God counters with: "but seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." [matthew 6:33]

2. no money/ financial
-God counters with: "and God is able to make all grace abound to you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, have an abundance for every good work." [ 2 corinthians 9:8] (in other words, God will provide if you have faith and want to do His work!)

3. no ability
-God counters with: "not that we are suuficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God." [ 2 corinthians 3:5]; " but now you also must complete the doing of it; that as there was readiness to desire it, so there also may be a completion out of what you have. for if there is first a willing mind, it is accepted according to what one has, and not according to what he does not have." [2 corinthians 8:11-12]

4. (own note) afraid of the greater responsibilities from God
God counters with: read the story of jonah. you will get the idea. 'you can run but you cant hide.' "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. acknowledge Him; and He will direct your paths straight." [proverbs 3:4-5]

*question 2: are you available for God when He needs you? are you telling Him that today? stop procasinating NOW.

"but Jesus looked at them and said to them, " with men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." [ matthew 19:26]

i will once again proclaim this for this final semester:

Projects are the silent student-murderers, they are the professionals at work.

chocolates never tasted so sweet! miah was really sweet and that SILLY BOY had to bluff me saying he had just left home. i guess at first i was bit disppointed cause i was left alone by my proj mates. felt bit lost and frustrated with my report. but then within like 15 mins of tellin he had just left home, he called me to ask me turn around. for those of you who have been to the lee kong chian lib, its super big and all glass panels. as that is a ref lib, no one is allowed to bring a bag in. so he called me while standin on the outside, opp block, making me peer thru the glass like some idiot cause i cant see him at all and finally i saw him waving frantically. haha. he looked like some small boy who jus found his relative at a shopping centre or something. packed my stuff, was kinda stone from trying to type out my essay and reading the article and went to meet him. he then passed me a papa's beard plastic bag(thought was the cream puff though) but no, told me to open it. it was an enclair! goodness. ate it on my way to suntec, savoured every bit of it. it was nice to relax n time out fro proj after the whole day. not to mention a surprise bluff from miah. it was really sweet of him. did kinda cheered up my day! felt so demoralised after a day at the lib.

..i concluded this while on my journey back home. an extremely fine line we are walking on..

yesterday went to sentosa with miah to slack. i guess the past few days, arguements with my dad was really touchy and now i've got prob looking at him in the eye and say, 'he's still my dad. by blood. my biological father. so no matter what hurt said to me, im suppose to understand it all. im not commenting for fairness in the family. but i think there isnt any respect in my home. i admit, yes, sometimes i do talk rudely to them cause im irritated with the kind of questions asked or like they just expect just because i am student, i do not have their kind of problems they go thru. but fact 1. yes i do have school problems on my own. i do have worries for the family and trying to find solutions to figure what's the damn problem with us. doesnt mean if i always just smile at home( cause my parents would rather see me that way), means i dont really care abt any anything or i just take things lightly. im not going to justify who is right and wrong here or who has the major say over everything. i guess often parents get the misconception that just because of their status name 'parent' or probably having a sense of authority over the child(of a certain time frame and age) , some basic mannerism are altered.

i beg to differ. i guess often when such big controversial issues are touched, and somewhat by accident say something that really hurts, you cant even tell how you feel cause you will get scolded even more but the hurt is so bad. it didnt happen just once. now, it comes to a pt that i feel forgiveness and let-ya-pride-go is non- exisistant in my family. the pt of growing up in such measures, sure do cause a whole set of different thinking. yet, again, i admit that im being a hypocrite that i kinda display a person that my dad would want me to be when i know that there are certain things in my character i just dont like it (now that i know myself better). so i think on my part, is it so hard to try respect my parents or change when often one of them talks, is like the whole wide world owns them something, even to his or her own spouse. what more an example you set up for your child to see. it kinda spoils the motivation factor for a kido trying to change his or her ways when yet, parents are not exactly giving the right example. what more can the parent expect? i was watching a famiy talk show when a guy said something about how the kids will live their lives if they have something is genuinely real within the family. he said,

...i think in general, all children would want to see an amount of respect going on within the family. that includes how you treat your spouse. if you can genuinely display the respect given to the other party, there will be a reciprocal reaction. children will then be inspired to be like their parents, have a marriage and family that also has good communication skills, understanding of mutual feelings, love and respect...

i reflected on that sentence and i cannot deny that to a certain extend, it does stand very real to me. i knew i had mostly of my dad's character and i think from young to now, i have always wanted to seek his approval or a guidance(not bringing me to wrath thought) for the major decisions in my life. yet more often than not, i get criticized straight to the bottom. when such things happen, i just wanted so badly to hurl back at his face, "why do you even criticize me when you cant even get your facts of forgiveness and respect right from your own spouse and parents? what makes you think so i do not even command respect from people whom i know as friends or boyfriends or teachers; for the way i am?? i dont want to grow up to what you are today. take a mirror and take a good look at yourself whenever we have to deal with your bad day or so called- we-dont-understand-you-at-all plus so-back-off look (a time bomb at home) and see how we feel. so dont come saying that im always spoiling your day or im the stupid one in the family or driving towards the sentenace of how i always give you trouble. i didnt and dont ask of you to be like that." why bother to critizise me when you always think that you are the most righteous person in the family? why bother to even know that you are the one both mum and i have to struggle with the most in the family. the hurt and pain that inflicting on us just because everyone has been trying to help you with you attitude problem cause u cant even admit you have a problem. why link a a matter which has nothing to with virtues to a issue that concerns life decision. my character or thoughts are not displayed on just one single mistake with no room for error. it does not determine my identity totally.

now, im struggling with emotions that is affecting my studies and God. i know if cant forgive, im sinning against him. yet, this time around, there is also no room for forgiveness for the way you judged me just because you were angry with me. it does not justify for what is being said to me. for a matter which i felt was not even worth of this family grudge, you have made it into something else with your tongue and hands.