often, i find myself talkin to my parents and the after effects are, i found myself like an idiot. for one, i am not sure if is it cause i've grown so much more spiritually with my friends and not my parents, that if i were to say something like spiritual attack, it immediately becomes, "you're crazy. no such stuff, dont even think abt it." or if i were to even just start talking about the cool, paul baloche workshop and superb worship session that i attended last night,"oh, do u know our church was awesome last night...?" (cause i thought i was able to minister to them-encouraging them a deeper relationship with God), before i could finish my sentence, the next 'mud' thrown into my face is, "why did you come back so late last night?"

i feel exasperated. i seriously do.

here's the fifty dollar question: is there one church or spiritual conversation i can ever hold with either of my parents? answer: no.

no wonder God says to stay put(in singapore) and do ya ministry at 'home'. i see i've to deal with the unglamarous job now. its exactly that unwelcoming compared to when doing ministry in cambodia or cebu, where the people would die to have you near them- cause they feel the love. the feeling you get from them is exhilarating, encouraging. no money in the world, can ever buy this feeling. only God can provide. do i even see this with my family? i wish and pray la. probably harder. expectations? zero.

sorry guys, i know i am suppose to find a day to have with coffee with tons of people. yes. if (pamela, diane, angelia, david, wayne, john and benedict); a mini- 4F gathering over dinner and coffee at holland village, just among a few of us (too big a group hard to fix a date?) interested, do let me know what's ya schedule like? i would try to arranage a day next week- probably tues evening, 7pm?

cause this week i am tied with some my church anniversary and i am sick the last few days..so yeps, many apologies. my email is at blessedfaith@gmail.com or do give me ya msn or contact no or something yeah?

so mail me soon! if u prefer a one-to-one,also can. haha except u've to wait another day. haha

i am not sure why i am feeling this way either. i should be happy im out with a degree and i am suppose to be looking forward to making myself to a successful and accomplished young woman. but, all i am feeling is apprenhension. i cannot fathom why i feel this way but yeah, i do. i am not sure is it because i seriously realised the fact that i am not looking for a part-time job anymore, that i may be stuck in this situation of working in the office for another 30 yrs? it seems and yes, it is a long way off. yet, i feel that while i am at home (with my parents), i am not allow to feel the "apprehension" somehow. like it is as if i did, i would be showing my parents i was ungrateful; bring me up to the age of 21, moments away from owning a degree and i was not interested in taking care of me prents. i have completely no idea why they would think that way, but yeah, no credit for that comment, but it hurts deeply. it's not my intention of not taking care of my parents! i want to, it is just that now, i dun feel prepare at this moment. not at all to face this transition.

i know at the back of my mind that i should not be worrying, just like what miah said. it is a unnecessary worry because i am too overly paranoid over things that have yet to happen (who knows the future except God right?). but i could not help it! i decided not to go out toda, one reason is because mum wants me to finish my resume, on the other hand, i wanna be alone to decide and get my feelings and thoughts right within myself and God. maybe i am the one finding all sorts of excuses to reason out this situation.

This is my big crossing where i will know if i do not walk this bridge, i will never know what life has in store for me. sigh. i hate such cross-roads. My Lord is my map and compass.

my final paper.

yet i am feeling super apprehensive, terrified. afraid of what happened with the past two papers. this is the toughest one of all. i dont even know how to be mentally prepared, let alone knowing what to write for my paper. my state of mind is sucky. i just wanna get of the examination period. i should be rejoicing its my last paper but i am not.

how can i even be analytical if i am not? especially in world of tires-it is such a "masculine" subject.

sigh. i think its the time of the month again. save me. help me, Jesus.

well, my cousin, tania, is all so excited about her wedding. but hold it, which girl wouldnt be!?? its her wedding! once in a lifetime, marrying a guy she truly loves, all white in colour. people say the brides often looks the best on their marriage day! so im looking forward to see my cousin, to start the ball rolling in our generation and looking radiant on that day (in december).

guess what? i think i just had a little girls' wish come thru! myself and a few other bridesmaids, we're all gonna have sychronised coloured-dresses and wear little tiaras! look, im sorry if i sound pretty ridiculous but i think its such a sweet idea!! haha, then supposedly, there is a Hen Nightout or aka bachlorette party in K.L i hope. if its like gonna be in Africa or London, i dun think i have the cash la.

some ways i am abit apprehensive of attending such parties cause i've never went clubbing before or what-so-ever. partly, i cant deny that my relationship with my cousins are abit more of a stranger-kind. but i guess maybe, thru such a occasion, i should start living my life up as a 21 adult and open my eyes to see other 'types' of the world.

maybe i should ask del to bring me to her mambo sessions so at least i get the idea of clubbing? haha. we'll see how. in the meantime, its still exams. this feels like i was in secondary four, doing my big 'o's. sucks. thank God is finishes this week and i can go find money and play! and yes, God.

disgusted with my mum. i dont know. which ever. i do not see how else the day can go wrong. i just feel so much irony, anguish, indignified, confused and tired. its just a bottle of mix emotions.

firstly, in the morning, grandma called to say grandpa suffered a heart attacked since from the ungodly hours of the night (i shld have stayed over though i am of no help exactly i guess) and she was comtemplating if we shld send my grandpa into A&E. i rushed down in the cab towards ttsh but uncle frankie who reached the house, called to say my grandpa was fine. so i headed down to my godparents' house instead. i wasnt used to the fact i had to wake up that early in the morning, guess it made me bit stone. the rest of the morning was relating what happened last night to my other aunt who called to check on the situation at home. thanked God for grandma, who lovingly, bought breakfast for me to eat. i just indulged in a breakfast that i haven eaten in a long while since i stayed with them.

so the day went fine, the 'out-of-danger' zone was stablised. finally, after lunch i was tired and i fell asleep. next thing that happened in the evening was my mum. like i was so shocked, upset with her attitude towards grandma (behind her back) when she didnt even bother to get the facts right before twisting a story. i was just mad at her cause she, for no apparent reason, started really rudely over phone. like yes, as if the day was bad enough after tryin to read the boring text after a panicky morning. next, i was so utterly disgrace with my mum's behaviour when grandma didnt even demand anything from her. all she was concern for my mum was if she was goin to have dinner, how she was coming. yet, i was tryin to rectify the blame for the problem, she didnt even seem the least bit remorse; that what she did had no wrong? at least i could hold my head up high for admitting the blame should be mine and not grandma's. she is oblivious to this entire situation. i cant imagine if i didnt hold my tongue, how her heart would break if she knew what my mum said. next, her attitude for tryin to get the car-ride tmr morning cause of her badminton stuff. like its so obvious the timing couldnt match. i didnt know why she hinted do badly. yes, it was soooo obvious of the motive. i cant stand it so i had to shut my ears. forgive me, Father.

i sat the backseat of the car and i see why God cries over us. how we often ask for so much more luxury when we already have this much. so much more than what others have. Thank you God for opening up my eyes to see this once-perfect-now-ruined world u made.

often i wonder why do i subject myself to hearing things i wanna hear, see or touch physically. why am i not like others who probably can just believe in something greater like 'faith'. i dont understand why sometimes i knew right deep within my heart what faith means or you could tell by actions but yet i try so hard to see if i dig my way to seeing someting more than just faith or 'knowing it'. i knew deep down that usually if i tried hard in looking for such things in the oddest places, consequently i knew what was going to happen next. yes, bad stuff happens. still, i cannot control that part of my yearning. is it something i need? to hear words of affirmation from people? it wasnt never really something i needed in the past but upon hearing such things as i grew up, i find myself falling into that endless pit of senseless pleasure. in some ways, it seem to bridge a gap between insecurity in love. if i didnt get it, i would pout like a little girl, throw my tantrums or start to tear(i cry extremely easily. to illustrate: last night, i cried over a novel cause of the pain that was so well-penned; which i could i relate to). i questioned myself, ' is it just me, really being human, having to endure this feminine side of me as a girl or is it basically, i do not have that confidence or love for myself? do i have to resort to such means?'

do i also yearn this from God? why do lower myself to such a faithless state of a non-christian at times. i dont think it is a very great excuse if i were to say, "i'm only human." or "..my spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." sounds pretty cheesy if u asked me. i often used that sentences in desperation to get out of the million-dollar question of guilt hurled at my face. on the hand, if honesty in a relationship matters, i cannot deny how badly i would really want to hear something loving. not read nor see by actions. but hearing even the basic of all lovers would say, "i love you" means something. its just something in the voice of that person saying it to you. i guess often i know its my move if i wanted God to speak to me but a thousand things would obstruct that from happening. why do all relationships have to be so hard at times? i know its probably going towards the reason of educational purposes but yes, i do wish sometimes this vicious cycle in a relationship would stop. like in all history text of dictation, i wished i could do away with such a practice like some powerful political leader at her realms.

am i being normal? or seriously playing hard to get?

Build A Box Of Friendship by Chuck Pool
Into a box of friendship
To insure that it is strong
First a layer of respect
On the bottom does belong.

Then to the sides attach,
In the corners where they meet,
Several anchors full of trust,
Devoid of all deceit.

The height of friendship can be measured
By the sides of four,
So make them all a larger cut,
And the box will hold much more.

Now fill it up with courtesy,
Honor and esteem,
Understanding, sympathy,
And passion for a dream.

Add to that your honesty,
Emotions joy and love,
And since they're so important,
Place them up above

But leave the box wide open
So all can see inside,
To learn what makes a friendship work
From the box you built with pride.