i signed the contract yesterday. found out that another of my schoolmate from poly and uni will be working together. ahh, catch? we're not that close and she's not exactly at all that friendly from what i remember when i was doin my projects in uni. not a very willing hand. sigh.

met up with elaine for lunch. ha, she so funny at times.

tonight cell is at my place. heh.

standard chartered is this sunday. ha. so not ready. but what the heck? just run la. its just a mere 10km. i am a survivor.

i feel i am caught in between. what i does not seem right. to either parents. i hate it when they are not talking or they do not have a common ground. i hate when i follow an advice from them, at the end of it, i get the blame for it.

i do not understand my parents. i have a lifetime ahead of me. from the start till now, i only really intended to start looking for a job only after i graduate from melbourne. after everything has been settled; where i can focus totally without unduly worrying whether or not my employer would let me go away, application for unpaid/paid leave is approve and etc.

but to anyone, whatever i do, is never right. all major decisions i made are just slammed down, condemned. worst thing, i cannot speak to them about it caeu they are not open to criticisms. honestly, i do not know if my parents realised occasionally their actions really hurts me. i just never liked being caught in between them. i am sick of it. really tired from it. let me make my own decisions so, leave me alone. leave me alone.

mini campaign to save my tagboard.
my dearest, pretty and handsome peeps, plsssssss! help to keep my tagboard alive. it wishes to see another daylight so be a kind soul, donate that little extra efforts on your fingers.

a little help can go a long way.

thank you for your 'generousity'.

sunday.
the little rascal was at my place. we had so much fun. this poster i did up its a family of love. i love my [F.A.M.I.L.Y].

i fell in love with 2 things in the evening.
1. Canon Ixus 800 IS. Check out the specs.
2. My beloved guitar. I just love falling in love with it all over again.

emo.
i have no idea why. but sigh, i am like not exactly happy on getting a job. i never thought i would feel this way, but i was thought being a christian, you would be happy working in a church. but apparently, not everyone feels that way. so, do i have something from God? yesterday, during sermon, God rebuked me again. another constant reminder but i have failed miserably in trying to achieve it. then the same thought of work that flashes through my mind. for quite a few mths now. but i have never got down to doing it. is it just me? i am not sure.

i want to be like a happy kid, who got a great job (i hope), quite a good-pay and yes, it is a MNC. but why am i not feeling the way i am suppose to? as my parents are frustrated with how i live my life, but so am i. i didnt wanna hear those nagging. i simply cant figure out why.

"Lord, all my desire is before You; and my sighing is not hidden from You." Psalms 38:9

thursday.
i met up with wayne in the afternoon at HV, delifrance. had a long chat with him about church and God. interesting. its often weird how sometimes we do not get use to people's change in personality. but, i guess this is what it is called. Life.

later in the evening, ben came to grand's place to pick me and we travelled to siglap! yes, he wanted to bring me to this place which serves absolutely great cheesecakes. not to mention also, they seem to open till late. great place for chilling. 2 thumbs-up!!!! it was fantastic. to my horror, i just read on ben's blog tt he had a craving for cheesecakes, it got my wondering. did he choose a place for his cravings and not to (honestly) to bring me there for a nice, warm conversation??? sigh. (what's the deal, dude? you almost got me "killed" in your car.) i shall not bring it up to spare his life from the nightmares of embarrassment. i know his HUGE ego cannot take one bit of it. ha! another moment that goes into the book of records.

i received a call from the HR agency. looks like, i am working in Motorola. really praying i am able to get use to my new lifestyle. a new transition and all. like i said, tons of apprehension. scared. excited at all the same time.

today.
woke up slightly early then usual to head on down to suntec to collect my goodie bag for the standard-chartered marathon. it is coming up in a couple of weeks time. not exactly in shape for it though. my training is still pretty slack. but, ultimately, i am running this run for God. it is my way to communicate to Him. a spiritual thing for me. dont ask me why through running, but i seem to look at a long race as a parallel comparison to my journey in life. should i give up, means i will stop running. unless, i depend solely on God for the strength and perseverance, i will fail in everything.

after collection, i met up with aunt margaret for a little shopping then headed back home quickly. boy, i managed to whip up a container of cookies in 2 hours ( it was rushed though) for miah. it was our 6th month together! tiring but a spendid time, baking. every minute was made in love. the colour was great and yes, i had some positive feedbacks! it was nice and.. eh, nice!! (it is, k!) ha. ego boosted. i love baking. realising that i was running late for the children's ministry meeting in church, i just dumped everything in the basin, bathed and left. ops. i hate to rush.

miah picked me from church. we took a train down to westmall to watch James Bond - Casino Royale. haha. i know this is bit-wee wrong esp on my anniversary, but i really, really and really like Daniel Craig! he had this "say" (slang in hokkien for style). his eyes were soooooooo amazingly blue la!! really adore his eyes. other than me gushing about him, i think so far, Sean Connery and he are the best among all the actors of James Bond. tt's my take. the movie has some spectacular scenaries that really caught my eye.

after the show, miah was really sweet in offering to coming back to my house to help me with the washing of the baking trays. i knew he was tired after a hard day's work. i felt really appreciated. it was a simple, yet loving gesture. =)

i am looking forward to a great weekend.

the human resource agency called me today. well, looks like the probability of me getting the job at Motorola (though i am not exactly a fan of their products)as a material planner analyst is quite high. i am, frankly, half excited and half scared.

i have so many doubts. so many worries. worst of all, i cant seem to tell it to God. like the procasination of just praying. i dont really know why i am online when i dont even know how to put it.

im glad dad came to talk about to me about what i should look out for. he kinda answered my questions to what i should do.

splendid. God works in mysterious ways. i had always been asking if why is it i cant hear Him. why do i get the things wrong. but actually, 2 weeks ago, God DID speak to me after a shaky week with my parents. in the meantime, i was still questioning and uncertain. on sunday, after some more questioning that went thru my mind, finally, the sermon that Pastor Kow preached, was an affirmation! yes! firstly, upon hearing the youth service sermon, i was so happy that Pastor Lynette preached on the topic of sucide.

it is such a misconception to Christians, when many would just try to "save" that person by saying that it is wrong. you will get banished to Hell for it. yes, morally we all know its wrong. but, seriously, i always wondered and thought God was the ultimate judge. i too, share a faith that God will not be partial, but yet, compassionate to listen to why that person took his/her life before passing judgement. i understood fully. a deep feeling, which i cannot express in words, but i understood that process of sucide. that longing for a certain kind of acceptance somewhere. that yearning for someone beside you thru this period of tide. that tendency to end it all to a temporary (when it seems like eternity) problem. i was happy that she shared some light on that issue.

anyway, after Pastor Kow preached, i really prayed so hard. so much relation to my parents. i prayed for their hearts, eyes and mind to be open. to receive God's grace. i was touched. happy. tearing away. oh, i wanted Him so badly in our lives. to stop it all; all those uncalled-for commotions in my family. after service, i told mum i was going to look for pastor (lynette) awhile. the moment i could talk to her, i simply threw my arms ard her! i told her how i enjoyed listening to both sermons, really overjoyed for her becoming a Reverend and how much i long for my parents to HEAR that sermon frm Pastor Kow.

yet, when i was convinced that God will definitely speak to them in His way, i had a quick scolding from dad because i disppeared (like for 15 mins?!) my heart just shattered. all that hopes dashed. it was still the same. God sees that injustice done. i know it. cried at the back of the car for a while. it hurts, deeply. even my cousin of 2 years, looked at me, he knew i was crying. i knew he felt what i felt. at least, it was some comfort. God worked again, by sending my dad's actual brother in that same place we had lunch. his wife then suddenly talked about how much she hoped to see the actual family for a reniuon. its gonna be hard, but yes, i am positive that with such bad blood and misunderstandings and forgiveness and love comes in, i am sure there will be a certain amount of closure. i know God's graciousness will be poured in. i was glad she had to tell my mother, to "push" them a little harder (rather than siding their wrong mentality of what they are doing is right). afterall, just like what God said, " Honour your father and your mother..." it didnt mention parenting skills. but the facts of facts, the blood relations. no matter how far you run, they are still your parents.

personally to me, it brought a little stir and revival for my heart. i love this feeling. i never get tired of it. not one bit.

lift up your eyes; for only love could make a way, all for love the heavens cried, for love was crucified. Thank You, Jesus.

today i had band practice for the children's ministry. i believe God's hands are at work. things will definitely turn for the better. its hard, but i know He can and will do it. faith.

i have set up this mp3 player at my blog! its really cool. love it. the sounds are way so much better. what's more, you can turn off the music if u really wana have some peace or, have 12 songs to select from! thus peeps, enjoy!!!

Monday
this is one long overdue entry! sorry, guys! anyway, on monday evening, i met up with ange, john and wj at Wheelock - fish & co.. after which, we headed down to wisma. we had absolute so much fun and laughter!! =) well, to explain the crazy-ness, check out the pictures we took altogether. i apologise if we were just photowhoring away. haha.

http://good-times.webshots.com/slideshow?ID=555620194&key=waPXwT

Wednesday
I went for a interview at Motorola. im not hearing anything from them. sigh, i am beginning to think i am a failure at interview, esp at MNC.

had cell. its kinda going all women! its quite a change.. but its God's call. respect.

this is really funny. but yet, the truth is the truth. believe it.

http://www.syfc.org.sg/events/dvc/cinema.html

enjoy.

walking back memory lane is always a painful job. it always bring up certain emotions that you simply wanna tuck away or just not go through it one more time. it does not need the situation to re-occur, the feelings are just enough to stimulate your little brain in your head. the images that fly by, flash backs of things of how you could have done it right or at least, retified it.

today was one such day. watching how unjustified this world can be. how mantipulating men can be. how meticulous when it comes pointing out all the flaws. how cruel relationships or events in each life would often determine how the person will turn out to be. some are able to take it all. some just give way, simply resorting to suicide, to put an end to such a miserable sight you see each day. how unfair this society works, where the rich are getting richer and the poor getting poorer each day. hence, the probability of being a communist country happening is about 70% and above, in my opinion.

how do you determine enough is enough. when to draw that limit line. a situation whereby a husband is controlling everything that runs in the family from how the girls should have their hair style (no fringe) to money to how the household should be running. in the end, the wife decides to hold on to their marriage vows but at the expense of their children being mock at by other at their age? not knowing anything in this world? when should others (on the sideline) intervene? to ensure the children's future or to allow the wife to keep her vows?

how do you know, when you truly let those unwanted, not-suppose-to-harbour thoughts go? the saying goes, 'its the state of mind. when the thought appears, its how you actually feel about or towards it.' or maybe more christian-like (sorry, pardon me. i am just writing to vent my frustrations), 'surrender to God. leave to Him everything. He will take care of it.' i really dont mean to offend anyone. but what if, God had intend for us to do something about it. do it in love. do it somehow, for a greater reason. yet, i find myself debating with another statement, 'what you do, it may just interfere in God's plans.' i just could not grasp hold of why relationships can be determine by one man, who is not even god. yes, relationships can be so complex. argh. it is one of the frustrations in life. there is saying, "when you are in a relationship, that is the start to all mankind problems." you can go figure out that statement. i am not really interested whether or not you agree cause i did not mention about me supporting that line. thus, save the comments for yourself.

why, is it parents of today have such mentality? blinded by their own selfishness? why, is it so difficult? to find some, christians, reading verses to just fit their beliefs. i had just made my mother stumped by saying that, there is a difference when parents say getting divorce and actually doing it. is it so hard to see, how their actions impacts the children? parents are so easily caught up in their pride, emotions, doing things (best for themselves or thinkin best for the kids) and not think about the effects it has on their own children. no one really ask the KIDS (of any age), "what do you think about it?" it is just more of, "ah boy/girl ah, mummy/daddy have something to explain to you... i felt it was best for you" honestly, what do you expect the kid to say? to retailate? of course, it might be natural that the kid just goes, "ok (shrugs in pretty-much-nothing-to-say or what-do-you expect-me-to-react kind of tone)."why do parents just bring forward their frustrations from work or their relationship with their spouse and vent it on children? a relationship is supposely to be within whoever is involved directly. not involving everyone else! it does not mean, being a parent, you are right all the time. somehow, within my family, it is just there. parents can comment or scold or just say, but if the kids points out their mistake = you are being rude. no sense of respect.

i prayed and cried to God, it is so hard. really hard to obey the commandment, "honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you." Exodus 20:12. how to love or to even respect, when a parent is caught up in being right or not wanting to hear any talk. i do not know if i should be glad or sad to know that (hopefully this fact will sink into me) i will not be a perfect parent. i really hope, i do not give my children that impression.

today i just find myself recalling events that changed me. up to now, i know i am still in the midst of changing. yet, finding myself back to that memory once again, so much hurt. pain. anguish. regrets. lost. happiness. confusion. excitement. helplessness. look at how these emotions just inter-twinge?

i have only listed 2 of the memories that hit me today. it hurts so much more, knowing that person is just beside you; but he/she is too self- righteous to accept any comment on their flaws or suggestions to ease the problem. knowing that person is just beside you, you just watch them "burn" in their problem. its hurts so much more. more than they can ever assume that no one cares. what ever happen to God's ways? i cant even say that my family is different from a non-christian family. i thought by believing in God in our family, we can differentiate ourselves. but hell, no. another mistake. it is having God as the apex of everything. that is the difference.

sadly, the earthly human-nature mental thinking, pride and arrogance that still reigns high and proud. its gonna be one hell of a tough battle.

forgotten to blog about last friday. i had coporate house of prayer in church on friday evening. pop by early to arrange some parts of the songs, cause on last we had practice and it was a total disaster. Fern! we need you! but last min, stephanie yeo was there to save us. it went well. though it was a night of experience. we faced all sorts of techical problems that we least expected it to happen. first it was always that loud screeching sound made by the mic, that was too near the monitors. then next came like steph played a particular song wrongly - wrong key, to be exact. samuel, gary and i were confused for that moment. couldnt transpose in that second. i was still on medication. so obviously, my brain just went ku-ku. finally, the keyboard decided to add some special effects (like those sounds made by a fire works when they are set off). pastor walked quietly to us and asked if we manage to rectify the problem. lucky, reiner was there to fixed up the korg keyboard. we all thought it was spoilt cause samat couldnt fixed it initally. what a night! like what evelyn said, the Lord said it is just most importantly, to finish the race well. eventually, the last song went magnificently! Praise God. To God be the glory.

anyway, i was really excited cause miah was coming to join us for coporate hop. but it was a pity cause we didnt get to sit and pray together. hope we get to do this more often. i like to pray together as a couple. it is so meaningful. God, the apex of any relationship.

after HOP, we popped by to westmall to catch the movie, "The Good Life". nice movie. relaxing and easy to understand. go catch it, peeps. overall, it was a fantastic night.

on our 6th mth anniversary: 24th Novenmber 2006

my interview was bad. under the influence of medicine, really, you say the darnest things. to make matters worst, my voice was getting hoarse and hoars-er during the interview. damn. honestly, i did thank God for blessing me - no bad coughs. still, i felt demoralised. but even more so, when my mum told me, her ex-boss (who is working in the company concidentally) informed her that i failed to get the job. deep down, i half expected it, but i felt really lousy, at the same time. things didnt really help when i argued with mum on thursday night (previous post) and then, another scolding from dad on sat about me serving. i duno, maybe he was jealous like im living a life that i want to spend now while he didnt get to. i felt it was so unfair to compare when he said he didnt have the chance to learn drums while i had all the time in the world for my guit and music. sometimes, i wished he saw the fact that i was willing to move one step beyond to put my plan into action rather then sitting on it and living a life of regret. i guess only dancing, its the other sport, which i never had the courage to take up again. it feels good to dance, but when to think of the technicalities, i feel the sense of inferiority complex. esp, when i knew i used to be able to hold a certain position or posture in ballet, but now, i cant.

anyway, back to me finding a job. deep down, i am feeling frustrated too. why couldnt i find that passion or excitement to get a job. or, at least, based on what my father said, to put my priorities right. sometimes, i am so caught in between, pple telling me to break a leg, i have the whole life ahead of me. slowly, do things that i can do now then find a proper job. i duno. its just a confusion. in some aspects, i hate this whole mixed feeling. maybe i am not normal, jus living the way i am now (based on what dad said). its just upsetting when he just leaves words into my mouth. i am beginning to think, i prefer to be 18.

next thing which probably bothered me was, i figured that when even to the pt of putting up a nick on msn, in desperation to call for a cry of help, no one really answers. even to a simple of cheering-up session like maybe a scoop of ice cream. sometimes, i envy when my friends just get treated so nicely when they have a bad day. it just like pple would notice and ask them and cheer them up. while mine was, i had to go look for it. seems wrong. i know its probably wrong for me to say this, but yes, i knew i shld have just gone to God and simply pour my heart out. there's a part of me to be treated like even to a simple cheering up session of a scoop of ben and jerry's ice cream. instead, i had pple who asked, thinking they were really concern, but landed up pushing the responsibility to others, telling me to look for others. that feeling really sucks. but i was glad that i spend time in miah's church on saturday evening, being in the house of God. it helped a fair bit after all that commotion. often, i find myself hearing that, 'you're a strong gal and etc..' but i am too human, i need encouragements at times. i need comfort too. sigh. i dun really know to explain this scenerio la, really.

am i that helpless? i know my approval and everything else should be coming God. aiyah, damn i duno how to explain.

life is not a bed of roses, but it doesnt give anyone the right to make it worst either.

i just really have to let it all out. i am sick of all that nagging. i am sick of all the negative comments. i am sick of trying to be someone that i am not. i am sick of trying hard but i realised its not me.

i dun even know what is so wrong in expressing how you feel about the whole situation to sort out differences or to even have some time alone at that very moment to aviod making matters worst. it always seem to have this negative effect or outcome after that. to make it worst, it is something the last thing you need to happen.

oh, stop trying to make me to someone who i am uncomfortable with, expect or a second replica of you. let me just be me. accept it or leave. i think, sometimes i have tried hard enough. its not about discipline.