Sigh. Guess my plans for this week did not go as planned. Was so looking forward to play for both 11am service and Corporate House of Prayer. But I am playing for the Chop now. Oh well. Plan for BBQ then.

crying in office just sucks. cant stop for some reason.

God, i promised if your son wanted to go, i will let him... =( this is so damn hard for me. it feels all so familiar. i just want to run away now. every bit of me, shattering in this place. even my love for ballet, shattered. every nerve just broke. every emotion just numbed. every tear, just dropping endlessly. to know that it will fall and not be catch in your hands.

I never knew, this is how your friends thought abt me. Their opinions means so much more. while on my side, no one said anything abt you. only that we are on different levels and encouraged us to find a middle ground.

but seems, your friends and family were never really alright with me. God knows what you have been telling them. I wonder why i wanted to desperately common friends. You, somewhat agreed to what they thought? How you thought of me.. tt's all that matters.

I'll only clarify this you laid on me. I never wanted to tell you that sometimes you faired not bad a score because instead of hearing a thks, you seem like its something i should have said a long time ago. i may be wrong about your expression. as for the statement, i never agreed on looking for someone older. i did not make that statement of having someone older.

Sorry. i really still hope deep down that we were meant for each other. getting myself fed up cause i am so desperate for a solution and find that middle ground. guess now, you said no. this is only one time i say now, i love you very much. God bless and take care.

Wow. I feel like a complete glutton now =P I had a sumptous high-tea meal at Royal Plaza on Scotts. Now, I am just full-tank! Probably gained another 2kg when I am suppose to lose weight =( but these are some pics of us and some past memories which i found in another memory card.

View pictures:
Godma's birthday high-tea and randoms of Miah&me

I am looking forward to this coming week! It will be just be God, my guit and me. I'll give You my all. Lord, may I ask that Your hands and not mine, will be upon the guitar. Use it to minister to the Parish gathering this Fri and Sunday's 11am service. In Jesus's name, I pray... =)

I am so damn disppointed with my camera. SERIOUSLY. I was an absolute trigger-happy person just a few hours ago till my camera's memory card died! Yes, not to mention, it robbed away all my wonderful pictures of the lantern festival at Clarke Quay. Such a pretty sight! All the people buzzling around, kids holding their all-sorts of design battery-operated and traditional candle-lit lanterns. It was such a fantastic time being able to blend in and soak in the Mid-Autumn atmosphere.

My family brought grandma out. Boy! She really enjoyed herself. I felt happy that she was able to recall her past with grandpa. those dating days =) At least, her depression is somewhat forgotten at that moment. So did mine too. Yet, looking at her, causes my heart to ache and cry. I am so scared of losing her too. Looking her wrinkled yet, somewhat-youthful face, aged with hardship and wisdom in life, sometimes I envy her. I gave thks to Him that I was brought up by her. Learning Teochew and traditional ways of life. Yes, it has grown so deep-rooted within me.

While my camera was still working, I really took time off to relax and reflect. Peering into life through my camera seems different. What i saw, all sorts of people from all sorts of life. Each had their individual characteristics. I noticed the elderly folks, they were really contented to be staying simply at Chinatown, they smiled at each other and just enjoying the modern lifestyle compared to the old Chinatown. They had so much to tell and talked so much about the changes in environment and life. Each smile and topic was a chapter. New found hope and future. Scary yet knowing it is fruitful. They will be accompanied with the children who are excitedly comparing their lanterns. As they look up at the older generation, there is this silent and mystic conversation in their glances. Either it was the children or it was friends who were with them. Yet, the happiness was captured in that lens. There was this picture that my grandma, mum and i took. 3 generations of different emotional and physical turbulance. Ultimately, we still came out to be strong women in our ways. Whether or not anyone recongised it, it didn't seem to matter. I knew what i saw when I was previewing the picture. My dad, of course is not to be left out. I stared at the picture we took, he played a major role. Always and constantly, reminding to be extremly strong. Being an only child not excuse to be a weakling or a push-over. He gave me the attitude and pride to be able to walk with my head up high, knowing I have been brought up well. A young woman with dignity, filial piety and not a completely brat. Others may beg to differ, what most important is that, I live my life with confidence and that God is always with me. No matter what. I had some pictures of various generation. Pictures of young and old. People. Buildings. Bonding at a common festival. Some things just never changed.

At one pt of time, I peer into the lens (its hardly practiced now becuase of digital cameras - LCD screens?) I thought I saw what my grandpa saw. He was a awesome photographer. I seem to enjoy taking landscape buildings (like him). You see multiple changes and the process of a unknown future. You wonder and imagine what is going to be like. I saw the overall picture of people enjoying and faces of expressions. the rich. poor. middle-class. I see began so notice how at certain angles, a picture will turn out different. Each angle spoke another detail. Another light which may not noticable at certain pts. Buildings esp, made you feel typical insignificant due to their huge size. yet, in your camera, you are ambitous to take it all. Everything in one shot. The challenge, is to be patient for the right moment. Light. Angle. Various adjustment on flashes and steadiness of the hand. Lastly, timing. one move, can often result in a blurred or a not-so-nice vision. Yes, it has parallel connection to what I was feeling.

I saw the mini donuts. It reminded of someone. How he thought of me and knew I had no dinner, knowing I will like the cute little donuts. The process of how the donuts were made. I might be fascinated like a small, little girl and probably in awe of magic of producing one with an automated machine. Probably, I thought of how we could have spend time together at the various dining places there. Then again, I realised I am another with another type of arrogance. I pushed the thought away, in fear I might sink in to0 deep and just forget what I have preserved in my memory.

I love casual photography. No artsy-festy stuff. Just real-life people and moments. I was suppose to own a particular picture with a small boy, enjoying the joy which the fountain was providing =) Damn.

I think I found another outlet of throwing my thoughts into. yay. Now, I am off to see the all-so-good-looking Torres =). For the record, I am not a liverpool fan. Oh, did I mention I managed to buy my leotards, tights and ballet shoes?? It's gonna be one great journey.

I wish I have someone to knock me hard enough so I am able to forget everything.
I feel like messing my hair up. I feel like screaming. I feel like crying.

I need to learn how to breathe. I need the scenerity of the beach. I need peace, wisdom, love and assurance.

I need God.

Any takers?

last night ballet class. i was kinda lost! well, after 9 half years, definitely, i had to get used the tempo. find my balance, know all the french terms again (bit dread on that portion) and esp the techiniques. i actually had 2 guys in my class. they were pretty good! first time i entered a class with guys in it. the rest were also awesome lar. i think some parts i was just copying away. we're rushing thru every single exercise and by the time we end, my feet and legs were so sore and numbed from the stretching of muscles and knees. my feet were bit cramped up from the pting. but, after all these, there was this familar feeling raising within me for ballet. and boy! it felt rather good =)

I cant help but say this passage from Psalms 19 is just somewhat beautiful to me at this pt of time. it just fills me with a certain amount of grace, yet the fear of God and still know, i am being loved for who i am. God made me who i am, with these flaws and perfections. slowly moulding in His time. God is and will be revealed at the majesty of His creations. I still remember the verse given to me during YLMC'07. now, im beginning to see what it means.

"Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the leper. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" "Mark 1:41

Psalms 19
1 The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge.
3 There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. [a]
4 Their voice [b] goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world. In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,
5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion, like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
6 It rises at one end of the heavens and makes its circuit to the other; nothing is hidden from its heat.
7 The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple.
8 The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.
9 The fear of the LORD is pure, enduring forever. The ordinances of the LORD are sure and altogether righteous.
10 They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb.
11 By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.
12 Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then will I be blameless, innocent of great transgression.
14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

so i sit in front of my com. hoping no one else sees me. i just feeling really sad now. i guess, to a certain degree i hope for something. i wish for something to happen. guess not. so, when i thought emotions wasn't really the issue here, other than circumstances and drained, guess now, it seems like it too.

why? this a 2nd time? why this phrase? why did i work and forced to grow up? see things differently and mature? older? yes. i do examine myself if i am the problematic one. if i am the one causing this whole emotional wave. i ask myself if i am the one causing everyone to be so unhappy and confused (when probably i should be happy-go-lucky). why this familiar air of trying to work my butt off.. stay late outside (which is now in the office) and then go to sleep and the next day the whole cycle. not wanting to think of the problem cause i have no idea how? i held the faith but yet, it comes to nothing?

sometimes i really think of or the "what if" questions. so many doubts and fears now. i thought, why sometimes i exist in this place. i wonder what use is it, to be strong at times.

oh God. take that tremendous pain away now. pls. why this familiarity of situation. breathing in the familiar scent of the problem.

sigh. i lost my favourite earring! cant find it anywhere. aiyah, im seriously damn sad. i really love that earring that my aunt gave me for last christmas. i cant that one side of it! i really hope i dropped somewhere, where i am still able to find. hmmmm. Pls God, let me find that earring. SIGH.

last night was great. catch up with ben for dinner.. and then i had to thank simin, for coming to my rescue! heh. we shared a waffle cup with 3 scoops of ice cream favours. ahh. but think my throat is bit hoarse now. haha. oops. but yes, good ice cream and great company. we really laughed over the small little things. we're been crazy.

so the many thoughts in my head. i prayed it all goes away. all the unwanted, negative, sad, crazy thoughts... etc. sometimes being blank in the head is not such a bad thing after all =) at least, i wont be able to think so much. hahaha. i hate it when i do not have answers. i do not like it when i do know how to handle situations. i hate it even more, now that i am stuck in this situation after all these years and i nvr realised it or looked away. arrrrgh. frustrating. God, take it away. take it away. take it away. i really do not know what to do.

im really stressed out at work now. so many issues.. they are screaming for my attention. one by one, all my products are like coming up. for some reason, seems like those old phones are selling like hotcakes. not that they are nice looking. again, another conference call, this time with germany. then now, another component got problem. seems like everything has it way together. all problems always lumped together.

just so drained. so so tired. exhausted. i feel like im goin mad at work. i feel like collapsing. i feel so weak. i feel like crying big time. so much inside of me, yet, its just inside, not getting out. trying my best keep sane with my work. God, help me. i still thank You for Your graciousness.

..working late so my thoughts dun go wondering too far.. i need ice cream.
"...faith is when you still jump into the decision despite your fears and doubts."

5 times since last night till morning. only one sentence keeps repeating the same whole thing. oh God! can i have a more specific answer? i really do not know what that is suppose to mean, after the first answer, "faith".

its funny how the circumstances changes the way you think, feel and need.
right now, i just need God. all i need is His embracing arms and strength. im so stress and exhausted. i feel i can just collapse in any minute. i wanna hold to the promise that my weakness is made perfect in God's strength. Faith is all i need to sustain me whatever happens.

anyway, this is YMLC'07 pictures. i miss the time there. felt safe in this crazy world. or maybe cause its in the midst of great brothers and sisters-in-Christ and maybe just soaking myself in God's presence.

Youth Methodist Leaders' Conference 2007, Batam