What do you get...
a cuppa hot chocolate with mashmallows+great company+awesome weather+love of friends?

Satisfaction.

I really wish right now, at this very moment, I am starred in Harry Potter movie. Where I think there a few props I need. Invisible cloak and knowing the skill to teleport to somewhere else. I feel entirely trapped in office with the kind of emotions I have now. Which there is this underlying understanding where bosses and colleagues expect you draw a ultra clear line between work and personal problems. Yes, I know that stands true because of the effects of it. But, I just wanna be at some place, to gather my thoughts and emotions, to talk to Him, to pray, to cry, to just really express how much that is lying in my heart but I can't say it out to anyone. Things I need to be clear, to have courage and faith. Healing in my hurts both mentally and spiritually. I need control (which is seriously tapping on alot of strength and self discipline) to make the right decision and actions. Not to be a stumbling block but yet, still know how to display love. On the contrary, in the midst of these plans and knowing the reasons for my actions, I feel entirely aimless in whatever I am doing because it seems to be coming out wrongly altogether.

I simply wanna go back in time when Christ died and really just sit and hug the foot of the Cross, lay everything down.I sat the bustop, staring at the sky. my heart so heavy. Every heartbeat seems like its fading. I experienced everything to qualify me as a extremely bad sinner. I could feel certain kind of life slowing seeping away to some unknown place. My vision seem to blur and as I stared the my own reflection, I saw this lifeless person today. Anger and pain just stood by my side. Above me was my own fantasy of wishes while I was sitting on the reality chair. I thought I could be indifferent to just help us to move and edify in this healing process. But doesn't work out too! What am I to do, feel, react? Its not about he being the one for me now. I have things said and done to me to get over. You told me to not do anything, all I have to was to move on. After the decision when Your son wanted to go, I let him as You have asked. I gave you everything I had. I gave up my love. my being. my wants. Is there anything else you want? Why am I still afflicated this way to be used for the extension of Your kingdom? Why a 2nd time? I need to know what is Your purpose.

Oh Papa, You see my pain. I know you feel my emotions. You told me to trust you. I did. You told me to give thks in whatever circumstances. You told me to free myself from worries as You promised in Matthew 6. Dad, this is hurting. Seems the cycle never stops. I picked myself but always seem to fall. Why? Please make Your strength perfect in my weakness.

I can do no more.

Surrender - Marc James @2000 Vineyard songs (UK)
I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you my King
I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, all to you

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You for the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

It is frustrating as it is already. Yet, I do not know how to go abt it because everything I should have said, it has been said. What has been decided, it was done. I cannot deny that I am confused because of circumstances happening when to me, it is relatively a clear answer to me.

Maybe I am tired of explaining to people or rather, trying to find the vindication for the odd situation. I found it was probably easier to smile and move on with life day by day. One step at a time =) That can only happen, because God's grace is that deep. I often find myself, feeling the hurts and it comes to a pt that I do not how to explain/ show/ talk abt it anymore.

At this moment, this aspect of my life, is the last thing on my mind. Yes, if to all who really want to know the truth abt my feelings behind that smile? Yes. I am hurting deeply inside. There are times I struggle. I cry. I laugh when I think of it. But I think, I am much stronger. Now, I just need time to heal and will be back. Maybe for this time, the opportunity went by, cost is paid. I need encouragement to get by. Though experienced as some may say, but I am human too.

Thks to all my friends who are there for me all these while. Your presence has definitely made me see that God do hear my prayers and works. I feel the love, care and concern.

Oh Father. Why do I feel this way these few days? I feel my heart exceptionally burdened, heavy. I want to cry when I watched documentary of people doing rituals. Believing in spirits, gods or demons for whatever specific reason each deity guards. I mourned when I think of the numerous people who cannot believe because we do not show the Christ-likeness in us. I feel ashamed of our behaviour at times. Yet, I seek comfort that You are always ready to show us, forgive the silliest mistakes made because of faithless human nature.

Why, Lord? Do I feel this way? Give me the wisdom to understand, deal with this and know what to do. I prayed for You to break my heart for what break Yours. Is this what is so lying so heavy in Yours? You see it everyday. Every second. Yet, we need to be so tactful in this delicate matter.

God, in still in me the question and wisdom of "WWJD". Show me. Use me. I know I become what I am today because You are going to use me. Somehow, the time is coming. I feel excited, scared and apprehensive. God, hold my fearful heart and thoughts. Send me when You will.

Totally in love with this song. simple lyrics to express my heartfelt to Him and the progression is sooooo awesome. Really hope to jam this song with my beloved family band, GraceNotes =)

Amazed - Jared Anderson (2004)
You dance over me while I am unaware
You sing all around but I never hear a sound.

Lord, I'm amazed by You!
Lord, I'm amazed by You!
Lord, I'm amazed by You, how You love me!

How wide, How deep, How great is Your love for me!

Wow. Busy busy busy! I've never been so busy before lar. goodness. But God indeed has been good to sustain my strength and comfort my uncertain heart. So many things happened.. So, I'll just write in pters for update!

• my parents robbed my clubbing "virginity"!! (Yes, I know my parents are definitely more hip than I am. I'm pretty old-fashioned. I admit.)
• Did BCF(Breast Cancer Foundation) fund raising as my community service act for Moto. Big thks to all those who bought my pins =) Fruitful day, with tons of funny people I met. One couple saw me and they actually broke away (holding hands) and parted like some red sea lar. kaoz. I do not look fierce... Am I? Heh. I think I look more like a hamster, if tt's what Elissa describe abt me. Or Tweety bird by another colleague. Whichever. I am NICE & FRIENDLY.
• Attended the Faith Church Leadership Conference. Definitely good and learn alot more in leadership being a Christian.
• served in 11am worship. Awesome grooves and with a good preacher. What more can I ask for on a Sunday?
• BBQ for Peche gathering. Was at first demoralised, but had many good feedbacks. Tt's encouragement to me! God has definitely bestowed alot, alot of grace. Even better when God is at work. Fine weather and fellowship!
• Went to Malacca for a day to visit my family, brought my SG grandma along too. But I was already sick. God was nice to hold me up for all the services to Him until I can rest, then I fell sick! I felt bad that I was not in the mood to talk to my grandma. I just slept the whole day. Now, I am recovering.. but just alittle drowsy due to medication.

God is good, all the time =) Looking forward to tonight's jamming session.

Maybe its time to do what I must do.

Its so hard. But maybe this isn't abt surrendering anymore. It is not. God spoke but these are the choices made. I just wanna cry... NOW.

But no choice now. I will and must try.

Just another routine. Wake. Work. Sleep. Wake. Maybe this time around it is different. I feel as though one part of me has been stripped. Only this time, probably I'm too tired to cling on anymore. Hard to let go. But the choice is made. So, why still lament on it is hard to let go. I felt God has already mould me (at least for now). I just probably cannot understand why, when God works = separation? So, maybe I am really in the way.

The night seem long. Though there were people in the house, I felt lost and empty. God, why you nvr gave me a sibling? I felt every corner I looked at, there was a presence of a memory of this couple who probably had some many fights and laughs. I walked up the stairs, feeling every part of me drained. tired. unjustified. angry. sad. I felt like screaming. Breaking down. I walked into my own room, which has often provided me a place of refuge to just cry, settle my things and be alone and myself. But for once, I stood at the doorway, noticed pictures, soft toys, bags, jacket, flowers. all belonging from someone. I didnt recongnised the person who gave and owed it. I switch off the lights (so I cannot see) and hit to bed. Only to realised that I was sinking my face in a pool of tears which flowed down non-stop. Another minute, a suddent, tsunami wave of emotions took the better grip of me. again. the struggles of thoughts.

I was brought into another place. The pain was intridicating. Every nerve has been severed. Even the hunger for dinner, seem pale in comparison with the hurt that was inside of me. I felt the coldness from my feet, slowly overtaking me, still my hands were cold. Seem like the heartbeat just stopped. As if to say, my heart just stopped pumping blood altogether. i hid the blanket and prayed for warmth, but the coldness was still the main culprit. I stood at this doorway, saw him moving on. He always seem to move faster than me. I was always the too sentimental and soft one. Things I wanted to do, but I never could bring myself to hurt him nor leave him. Times when I felt like gaving up, I clinged on even more on the faith and belief for the bigger picture. People have told me to be selfish, but I simply cannot. Yet, now, as I stood there, facing the darkness, now slowly, there was a couple slowly surfacing. I saw him! Happy yet unsure of how to handle our problem. But, I wonder why I was on the other side, staring at him. Then i realised that I saw another girl. I knew, he has moved on. I found my voice stuck at the throat. Unable to say, "hi". I ran away, hid a corner and saw how happy he was. Something, which I was not able to provide, I guess. I look at my own bare hands and saw my tears flowing again. I questioned God, why, this hurt? I could not look at him in the eye and see him as a friend.

I opened my eyes. I saw I received an msg on my cell. It was from him. I did not know what else to expect. I could not see from his pt of view after the reading the msg umpteen times. But the one thing hit me was, it was so easy to always choose I cannot promise anything. That I understood, it gave us the liberty and freedom to choose someone else new. I knew, if he did, I may feel hurt, but, he has his rights. Who was I to say anything, despite what I feel. It doesnt matter anymore. Again, i stared at the piece of darkness. Coldness creeping in. I prayed and hug eygore. It was just the both of us, comforting each other again.

It is over. God, rescue me from this immerse pain. 3 years of relationship. It was something that I have held on in faith. You did not ask me to run this race. I did. I felt I ran well. Just the lack of support and encouragement. Again, the Chinese saying was said to me. "When the old is gone, the new can come. There is always something better." But, I think, this love I bore, was something else. Too deep. I knew I had my chances in the past. But I chose to run that route, again. A promise to let him choose. It will be done. This morning, even though the sun is shining, everything look grey to me. There seems to be alot of activities going on. Naturally, I am totally oblivious to it. Tonight, is my guit and me. We're yours to control. I'll give you my all. Pls be my hands on my guit to minister to those who will come tonight to be healed. I need it too. Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be open. I made a choice to promise and will achieve it. I know, till today, it is Your grace that led me here. i'll be strong. "Till I see You face-to-face, grace amazing takes me home, I'll trust in You..." For now, God, break my heart for what breaks Yours.

Rescue - Jared Anderson© 2003 Vertical Worship Songs
You are the source of the life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There's no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
I put my trust in You

This world has nothing for me
I will follow You

Good worship. Had my cry. Glad my cell prayed for me.

Right now, it is just weird, that I am looking at a picture of jeremiah and me. But we do not exist together. Maybe deep down, I wish I was his someone special. Probably, I will just be a jealous ex. Cause it hurts too think of what might happen. Guess the option of he wanted to find someone else is also there. I thought he said he would call me after. But the call never came. the blog. then status on FB. All words but not done. I feel sad. I cannot understand. Its minor.

Couldn't help but just really stared at the worship hall to see if he might be there. Nah. What was I thinking? Since when, he appears just like tt. Still ask God, separate = He working? I thought I heard a voice spoke to me. He chose his own path. It is his choice. I planned for both of you to meet. No matter if you are together or not, you still learn. Amanda, understand, you were not made to be hurt. But be happy in Me. I took away your sorrows, worries and trangressions, all because I want My children to be happy and have faith in Me for life. What I need now, is for you to focus on Me and not him. You always choose to perserve life while he never had faith. Your weakness is now made perfect in My strength. Look at you. You are still holding steady with your smile till now. I know your pain and immerse sadness inside because you love him dearly. I will remove it all. Believe in Me. Seek Me, and I will provide you rest. Your name, worthy of love, is choosen for a reason. Do not be bothered with what he says for he do not what he is doing. Forgive him. Your love is deeper than this. I heard your prayers everyday. Do you not trust me I will take care of him? Your love will be recongised one day. I love you. I have known and made you. I have already rescued you.

Im sorry Jesus, for things I have done. I ask for forgivness and pray You healed my heart. Con't to minister to both of us and I pray I will be strong in You. Because I can. Deep down, I yearned to say what I am feeling. Missing. Love. But I guess, it came all too sudden. Not even a chance to even talk about issues and see it can be resolve. How far we willing to go to solve. It was just an absolute. Now, everything is just press flat. I know I am not as sad. Because I have him in my heart, it does not require him to be here. How normal. Seems too familiar. I know, he will not and never come back. He never did on his own accord. I am sorry, God. To still bear feelings for him cause I know love is my motivation. not his. Thk you Jesus, to make me absolute sure about my friends. Friends whom I have not met in years, but has stepped out to offer words of comfort and love. The wonderful values you have incoporated in each Fairsian of being in a Christian family. I do not need alot of time and keep on catching up. Once a friendship is establised and we know where our friendship is, it doesnt need how long nor time to know we still appreciated one another. Because of You. Thk You for showing me and not be suayed by words of others.

I have my pride to express what I feel now. I think it is time for others to make a move too.

i really wonder at this equation. how much is really alot?

if you know that something means alot to someone, will it mean anything to you because its affecting your love one?

I do not think this is abt patience. pride? God, calm this raging sea inside of me. heal my hurts. i cant believe this is happening. maybe i am just tired of reading in-between the lines of a certain situation.

maybe im just being crazy, picky and fussy.

This is kinda cute. haha. its amazing what kidos can do.

oh, all the things that you do to me.