Pls do not tell me to regret the decision. If I did, I would have not ask him back last time around. Why tell me when I know what I will feel? Why share with me that you both landed marrying another person despite loving each other deeply and you regretted that you didnt chase her back. In all due respect, isn't kinda late you realised it because of your fears?

Maybe to a certain degree I feel happy for my friend that he realised that decision. Yet, it is precisely why I didn't want to live in regret so I did what I did last time around. But, since he doesnt feel the same way about me, isn't it more painful to know it is a one-sided love now?

I wish I didnt have to admit that fact. I am still trying to let it sink in that it rather one-sided.

I am a complete sucker for movies like "Love actually". It was the first movie that I actually teared when I watched with Flo. Sorry lar. But I thought the stories were really nice and sweet. Esp the guy who showed the plank cards to Keira Knightley.

Did wish I had something like tt happen to me too. At Christmas, you tell the truth. During Christmas, Miracles happens. Maybe, that faith doesnt exists. I know, it is impossible between us. I will leave soon.

It didnt matter how I felt about him now. Doesnt matter.. Something inside of me kinda died. Father, when will this be over? All these years, I am beginning to think maybe I was wrong about him. Maybe it was just my emotions. So, take away the voice that tells me the exact opposite every single time if it is not You. I need discernment.

I woke up on christmas day crying. No, I'll not state the reasons here. This is the 2nd christmas I am like that. I have no idea what to do anyway. At least, evening was some consolation when Karen and Hannah came down to my place to give Christmas greetings. Was quite glad. Proceeded to Dover with my parents to meet the rest of the family. Dinner was simple. Family altogether. I received a present that I really needed... I just love bags. I am now looking for a black, leather one. heh.

This time, I'll always just remain as a memory. A history and past. Nothing more. Guess miracles aint gonna happen during Christmas like how all stories goes. It was probably nice to just sit at home watching tv all the blessings of people finding their innermost wishes all fulfill. For one moment, I wished I did fly off to Neverland.

A beautiful poem was send to me by Daisy Lemon Coldiron. Maybe I wish I can find that hope or confidence in... There is always that "But". Why, God? Is it just my emotions??

No proof I have
But I've a confidential motion
That no love is ever lost.
That the garden I have treasured
Lives somewhere beyond the frost;
That the soul of beauty lingers
Past the age that gave it birth and the music of creation echoes' around a sentient Earth.
So may the blossoms I now cherish,
When their loveliness is gone,
Bloom again some far tomorrow
In a glad, victorious dawn!

Ok, I got to office this morning and I saw some presents on my table from my colleagues! It was really sweet because I nvr really expected them to get anything considering that I only had time to get cards. I hate to admit, but it really brought tears to my eyes. It was really, really nice of them. Many smiles. Another aspect, I really love Christmas. The joy of giving of God's grace and goodness (of course, receiving the presents!!!) and just soaking in the Christmas spirit =)

Arrived in Malacca with Aunty Margaret and family. We threw a mini birthday celebration for my dad before going for the wedding preparations. Hee.. Fun. Photos will be uploaded soon =)

Allan and Tania's wedding was amazing! Firstly, welcoming Allan into the family! I really hope to get all the photos soon... if possible.

It was pretty hectic because we all didnt know what was going on and all. But everything was awesome. Just fits in nicely with the festive season. The day started off with the tea ceremony among close family and friends. It was heart warming to see how our different cultures crossed with the amount of acceptance of each other within the family.

Next, the bride and bridesmaids headed down to the shopping mall opp. to do our hair and make-up. Came back, quickly all got ready for the church wedding!! I thought all of us look absolutely stunning! It was so lovely with the white dresses, light pink sashes around the waist, (though I really dislike the headset) hairband with netting and flower. All exclusively, PINK. Bouquets of pink roses for each of us were soooooo lovely. We had a short toasting then proceed to church where the little fairies (flowergirls), page boys and the best men all looked so good. Intially I was alittle apprehensive towards Catholic serivces due to their rituals and hymnals. But viola, I was pretty surprised that the songs sang during the service were pretty much the songs I sing in church. Felt God's presence transcent though we were made up of different dominations. The same God who taught us to love and be good. It didnt matter. The same Almighty who will bestow the ultimate witness and blessing to the union of my cousin's marraige. It was great singing oldie worship songs like "As the deer", " The power of Your love and etc" Though different practices but yet, seeing my cousins praying for the first time in my life, I knew that each of us, love God and it was our God reaches out to us in different ways. Bubbles were blown by the congregation at the end of the ceremoney instead of throwing confetti. It was soooooooo nice laaaaaar. Ok, I know I sound pretty much a sucker for such things. Hey, I am a very typical girl. DUH.

Dinner! This is the thing I have to eleborate. IT WAS SOOOOO FUN! The bridesmaids were the doing the registering while the best men were the ushers. Then, the item started. March in was started by us. Each pair (did I mention that my partner is an African?? But he's really sweet and funny.) first walked in really serious. There is a twist in the music when tt's when we all start dancing on the walkway. It was so much more fun than I expected becuase all of us were so nervous before it started! We all then enjoyed the food, while the photos from the day activites was actually shown on a slideshow! It was gorgeous. We had the sabo- game for the newly-wedded couple! Hilarious. Then they opened the dance floor and this is when I was totally, totally shagged out! All the bestmen were really gentleman, like all led the girls to dance and we swop partners and drank and dance and this routine just went on. We all dance for like about 2 hours and my legs were so tired because of the heels. Girls were then taking out shoes to dance barefooted. That is how in-to we were! Meeting other family members which I haven met in such a long time was so awesome. It was nice to see all my cousin bringin their other halves and they all look great tog. Looking at them lovey-dovey. Aw. Sweet. Wish I was one of them, but I was happy being a passer-by of such things. Just a passing thought.

It was unevitable that everyone was questioning where was he. I still could not break the news to my grandma when I just told her he went for mission trip instead. She was happy he went, yet the disppointed look on her face that she cant get to meet him was heart-wrenching. I had to learn to ignore it. It got alittle irritating when all my aunts kept asking from day to night. Really avoided them but it got so bad that I just blurted out I am single. But when I thought they wouldnt asked, I know it was out of concern, they had to know what happened. I really didnt know what to say, really. It was awkward though. Just made up some excuse. But, glad its over and no more questions. Now, it is going thru the process of recovering.

Argh. This is darn retarded. It's Christmas eve and my company is not declaring half day! I have already finished all my reports and now, I am only busy keeping myself entertain. =P

Merry Christmas, dearies! =)

I asked many times when will all these emotions go away? Why do I still harbour feelings for someone who probably doesnt feel the same way as I do?

I hate that I love him so.

While trying not to think these few days because I am exceptionally free with my products all finishing built soon, I am actually resorting to fixing broken arms of my colleague's EDIBLE gingerbread man. With super glue sticking to my hands, my skin tore because my fingers got stuck together. Joey can only laugh like crazy while trying to use a ruler to seperate my fingers. Ever tried fixing gingerbreadman? Felt like I was in 'Shrek 3' movie. This is all done during office hours =)

Writing Christmas cards to friends is also another thing to take my mind off. It's kinda nice to sink into the festive season of giving and love. I need to find more things to do to occupy myself so I do not think too much. Just planning Christmas parties with my colleagues, friends and family

It is going to be a tough and lonely journey, but I will survive. Somehow.

3 Dec, Sunday - After the race and before my flight to Japan, I received his smses and heard his voice. We talked. It was strained; as tired as we are, but thinking maybe our love was our motivation. Hope in God. Guess it was just the emotions playing with my discernment and clouded my judgement. I thought he still wanted our relationship. So I left, with a little hope. Thought yes, my prayers and my obedience was paid off. But when things turned around last week after reading his mail, I didnt know what to react nor feel. It was so his style to do something like this. I felt the best way was to shut everyone and God out. I just wanted to give up on everything. I didn not want to go thru the pain again.

I miss him. I miss our memories. I know why I miss him. Things I missed him for. The way we snuggle. The way he would put my head on his shoulders when I slept on the bus, pinched my nose. When we watched a scary show, his hands protected my vision. His hands in mine. His arms around me when we are under the stars and etc. I like him the way he is on the field playing soccer and etc. I love him. I still do.

Grace and free-will. For some reason, God opened my eyes to see from another view. To accept what he told me. We both wanted to go back to God. But the difference is, he chose not to have this relationship back at the end of getting our lives back together with God individually, spells out another thing. Yes, I am human. I have emotions and my flaws. I cannot undo my past and mistakes but I can do something right in my future. My love to him, loving him that much is never what he perceives as love. God opened my heart to know that he will one day understand. Being happy and stronger will be my biggest victory. He will see that he was never what he was (how I treated him with too much importance) in that mail to me. He was important to me because I loved him. We love because of God's love to us. God helped me see the choices he made. In the end, it's his loss, never mine. This is my value and worth today.

'Over you' by Chris Daughtry.

My timing for the marathon 1hr 5mins compared to the last time 1hr 17mins.

But yet, my mum beat me to 1hr 1min. Ranked first in her company for 10km women.

Soon.

God, If you exist, take this pain away from me. I can bear it no longer.

Again, You have done it all.

Tell me, it is wrong to love n miss someone so deep and yet, love God at the same.

Whatever I feel or should have said, my fears and all, it will never need to see daylight. Guess it is redundant to say out anyway.

What is love. What is it to be loved. What is missing. What are memories. What is giving. It means nothing.

I, too was scared. Afraid of saying the wrong thing and he will go. I did not know how to share nor express my feelings. I thought I could trust Him too when He told me to let him go to work in Him and our relation. In the end, same outcome. He still left.