Back to work and chasing God's heart.

Things cant get any worst for now. I am left with no more ego, pride nor wants. Back to where I was last Aug. Cant think of anything for now except for just my relationship with Him.

Search me and know my heart, Father. Thk You for still loving me all these years. I'll try to be stronger and still live life to the according to Your plan as of now. Guide my anxious heart. For it belongs to nobody but You only.

Djokovic won the Aussie Open :)

Father, give me strength and patience to walk on this path of faith. James 2:17 "In the same way, faith by itself ,if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." 24 "You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone."

Doing 'Believing God' while having a cuppa of hot chocolate with mashmallows is heart warming. Late into the quiet and surreal night, surrounded by stars, its a great date with Papa. I am learning to fall into that grace, faith and trust that His ways are superior and His promises to me will eventually one day be realised. Somehow. Help me to understand and have patience in Your timing.

Hannah sent me a very beautiful and encouraging e-card. Its really sweet! The words goes,
God is love - "May the God of hope fills you with...peace as you trust Him." Romans 15:13
God is comfort - "Through Christ, our comfort overflows" 2 Corinthians 1:5
God is with you - "Do not fear. For I am with you... For I am Your God, I will strengthen you and help you." Isaiah 41:10
Praying for you with faith, hope and loving care.

I kinda like what my ballet teacher said. Maybe expressions on the outside will affect the inside too. Ballet was hard on monday. New things to learn.

After 4 mths of not seeing him. I bumped into him after trying to muster everything I have to talk to him on Fri for a short while. Ytd seeing him like this needle in the haystack, I panick. I felt as though I was like a school girl who saw her crush from a distance already, my heart beating so fast and I was so afraid that people or even him, could hear the loud thumping sound within. It lasted the whole day after seeing him. I stood there, unknowingly, with utmost stupid happiness, in the midst of the buzzing crowd, hoping he didnt see me. Instinctively, I truly wanted to run over to hug him tight. I miss him so. Hold his hand in mine. Touch his face. Feel his constant breathing against my ears and his heartbeat against mine. I wished deep down he felt the same way. The loud thumping. That feeling of seeing your loved one during courtship. It is amazing what the mind can process in a second. I held back. Friday night, I already got rejected by him. I didnt have the liberty of doing that. I wanted cry as I walked on. We waved at each other. His eyes, he still love me too. I caught a glimpse of him glancing back as we walked on. It was unmistakable. But he already made it clear, we broke up. Told me to move on. I wondered, how God's will works. There is still going to be a conversation held. Just explanation of things over the past mths. Just duno when. Keng said both of us look mortified. You cant help it I guess when you know both parties love each other deeply. Thk God for Karen for hugging and holding my hands when I needed support.

I felt like banging my head against the wall, really. I almost died in disbelief when Dad opened an invitation to him for a family gathering. I seriously thought my dad already got it figured out after all these while. I know I didnt exactly gave him a straight answer to him before and argue that he was not exactly being a friendly and socialising-dad to my bfs so far. Mum also just gave the most-shocked- look also. It was RARE. 1st time. God, I feel like I am in some game. I TOTALLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE DOING. My feelings are now, "URRRGH!" GOD, YOU FEEL THAT?! Did You honestly, in any means, have to do THAT???

God, show me Your purpose, understanding and direction.

I think I am going to reject both offers made to me. Trio-Tech and Seagate. Neither both have the criteria. I have not seen Seagate's salary package to me though. Both bosses like me alot. Sigh. This is soooo damn hard. What is the right job? Or have I completely missed it? God, help.

Cleaning the house and doing gardening can be a joy, honestly. I felt good cleaning my home and know that the Creator is the giver of life to all living things. The bright sunshine shone thru, piercing the dull, shadows away. I was really encourage when God told me I am who I am made by His hands. I didnt need change any part of me. He will mould according to His time. Staring at the train set which I put together for Zach last weekend, seeing him patiently, looking how it was fixed and when it was done, the smile on his face. It was fulfilling. Able to put someone else's needs before self. It was a unique gift which God has created me to be though my dad often warned me it will be strongest yet biggest weakness.

Its funny how you're really getting mad at God for being silent to you and whoa, pop more answers in your mailbox. What a way to "entice" us to stay tune to the radio 24/7.

For many years and months, I asked so many questions that sometimes I wonder if God loses track of them. But I guess nobody beats His inventory couting. Darn. Why am I using logistical terms here. Anyway, I thank Him for really affirming the things I often asked if I was not making any sense in my relationship. God, this week had reveal what He has so more often than not, taught me thru the painful way for the end times about churches. He told me as much I needed to exercise faith about the charismatic way of adoring Him, that these are works of God. All I need is to pray for wisdom and discernment, holding the faith. He will judge those who are false prophets. It is His vengence. From different churches, we share and learn from each ministries, all with a goal to win one more for Him. Yet, He has not kept silent about his actions too. Staying all within church walls, how much can you do alone? In Rev 19 and Acts 2:17-18, He has warned during end times, that this is, when churches will unify, purified, fortified and anointed to prophesy.

God had also shown me something precious. I am still trying my best to listen so hard to what He is revealing our my relationship with Miah. Things which I didnt understand. Things were beginning to surface about our faith. Things I didnt understand why hurtful words were said to me. Yes, the devil has his way around him. It definitely got the better of him. It was something out of my league that I cannot do. Hence, I am beginning to see why God told me to let him go to Him. He will work his mess. I only know, I am equally guilty of this when I thought Miah goin to school, meeting new girls and all. Not only relationship aspect, but all parts of my life. But for him, I seriously do not know what he is getting from God about the relationship. But I thank God that the Word has reveal so much about insecurities and fears. God has ordered the children of Israel to be strong and courageous, never to fall to the two biggest obstacles any of us will have about fulfilling God's promises. When we begin to harbour (Heb10:25) fear and and disappointment, it is when the other one sets about his "sifting", God wanna see what's our reactions. Do we trust him or succumb to all the lies that lay before us. I see why, when God impressed on my heart to confess to Miah about Jem. It was for now. As much it was for me to do what God would have wanted me to do to free my of my own guilt bondage, because I love God, obedience and in reverent fear and love for the relationship. God has forseen today. Our reactions to the relationship. "Hatat" - A literal breaking to military destruction to demoralization. Yes, I got the devil got the better of me when Miah raised the issues about his distrust in me about Jem, even saying things to say I got issues with friends to what I said to him is not edifying. I felt insecure about my own character, our relationship and what I have been doing.

Now, I am not letting the other one be successful in his deceitful plans. Its hard, but I know, I am victorious when I am in Christ. Maybe it is sad to see Miah believing in the insecurities about the relationship, he not being good enough, he failling me, he distrusting me. Our future (if he actually thought we will be together). Again, it was something beyond my reach. Who did we trust in such times? I realised that I was angry at miah, but now, God opened my eyes when it is earnestly seeked, I needed to hate the sin, not him. These lies that devil set apart in him, I really hate it for happening to Miah. I can only wonder, when he distrust in me, what is he hates? the sinner or the sin? So much the difference, to change the entire perception when You ask God to stay in the heart, open your blind eyes, unlock your deaf ears. 1 Peter 5:7, Phillippians 4:6-7 - Cast your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. Matt 6:25-34. Seeking His kingdom was an instruction. Not worrying about life was a bonus.

So far, only 1 quarter thru of the questions I asked of God. While I am sad that Miah chose to seek refuge in his fears (hence leaving the relationship), he wasnt altogether wrong about seeking His kingdom first and all these added unto you though, I personally felt he missed out the entire part which included the verse he so often throws to me. God has never forsake us whatever we do (Psalms 139:7-10). Its whether we land up in His perfect will or in God's permissive will. I realised that God has never left us when when we were together. God has use my love for miah, a weakness, to be my strength to always seek Him. In my brokeness, He used me. We both had different views of faith. I needed to respect that. He chose to believe in the insecurites, but believe that God will watch over him still in his future shortcomings and that, maybe there are other choices for God set apart for him as life partner. For me, I believe in the relationship was something that God has blessed me with after all that I've been thru and believe I will meet a man of God, who would also love me and that, asking God about Miah 4 yrs ago, I found that other. (Matt 9:27-30; 15:28) "According to your faith, will it be done to you" and "You have great faith. Your request is granted" (Oh, and hence came birth of this name" blessedfaith). Thru good and bad these years, I trly believe that if our faith is in God that things will be ok =) Think God has blessed us tremendously in our relationship. Only now, in these turbulent times, if chose to be together, where do our faith lie? In fears and disappointments or God? God has shown me, it is still possible to love someone deeply, because God first loved us. It would be how God would want us to love each other. Just as how God will. My love is my gift and talent from Him. While loving, it is still possible for Him to reveal Himself and His plans.

Wednesday night, I laid awake to pray about my jobs after cell. It definitely feels good that companies want you badly. Ha. The things they do. Well, I am definitely enjoying this =) Sigh, honestly, I never expected seraching for the right job is this hard too. So many things. One statement stood out after hearing listening to the Bible study sermon. I felt God holding my face firmly in His hands, He staring into my eyes, as if to question, but He said, "I will NEVER fail you. What is your problem? For I am with you." when He question the speaker abt her life worries and insecurities. Oh God, I still need to know what I heard about Miah still stands true 4 yrs ago. I know I asked a thousand and one times and the answer was given. I need Your word to reaffirm. In love, there is hope, faith and perservance. Our faith (whichever paths we choose to walk down; whether or not as a couple or separately) will be credited as righteousness (Romans 4). Those words to Abraham, its also to us. The same God who reign then and forever. Lord, show me Your directions. I need to know badly. Jeremiah 29:11-14a "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD..."

I can only thank You, for dealing our insecurities about each other now. Better late than never. I can only pray what is residing in my heart for now.

I must say this year birthday presents are really good =) Ytd, went to Seagate for interview. But it it so damn far. HOUGANG?! sigh. I duno. For the working hours wise, I'd rather work at Toh Payoh North then. Compare 1.5hrs to 25mins of travelling time. Sheesh. Popped by Motorola after the interview, met Joey for a while. Really happy for her that she's getting converted. Went there to take my long overdue birthday present. WOW. I am so glad that my colleagues aka friends really knows me though we have been together for a short while. But I guess everyday talking helps. I actually got a Kenzo perfume. Viola. Now, I got extra supply. Not to mention that the bottle is really big. Heh.

These few weeks have been a rollercoaster. So many questions. Uncertainty and apprehension. I talked to friends who shared more light on the way the letter is written. Yet, it is hard to accept it from a positive way. He's seriously thinking abt the relationship and he never mention breaking up. Just surrendering. Without talking at all? Just treating me like an invisible person? But I duno, how then, do you even "maintain" the feelings for each other without talking. It was weird to see an episode last night, someone acting out what is really in real life. The pain of being ignored or treated differently. You hold the phone sometimes wishing to say it out, but all these confusions of circumstances. Oh God, how? What am I to believe in? How do I keep this love inside... yes, maybe it will be minimal. Maybe its just better I dun say anything because I'll probably just ruin his life. He seem so much happier spending time with pple whom he sees so often. Its like seeing more times than I was his gf. He seem so much happier without me. Yeah, I guess I only his pain. Maybe its better I just watch him from afar. Until the time comes when he finds someone else, I'll deal with that same emotions which I know it all so well. Second time with different guy.

Oh God, how do I deal this? How? Where should I go. This morning, woke up and sat beside my cupboard at the corner of my room. All I know, I missed him so badly. But I have no more courage and strength to fight. All I did was to hug Eeyore because it was the only way I felt close to him. Crying. How do I not love someone whom I have love and loved so dearly. How? How do I not miss all those memories. How do I find contentment in being a memory when I wanted to spend a lifetime with him? All my faith came down to nothing. He will never know. Guess he shouldnt care either. Maybe it will take me a while to realise I was never someone whom he felt I was special and he wanted to be spend time me. Our paths crossed because of God, yet, I question if I was not worth to him enough to cherish? I made my mistake and I tried to make amends for it. But now, maybe loving him, I'll just be interrupting all his plans and only be an hindrance. Maybe its better he doesnt know I still love him. He is never coming back because I was never the one he wanted to be with.

God, hear my pain.

Two thumbs up for 2 CDs I bought. Greatest hits of Goo Goo Dolls and Matchbox Twenty.

Now is housework, off to babysit and do Bible study.

"At the heart of all conflict is a selfish heart."

Ytd while spending time with God, trying to finish the material for cell meeting later in the evening, the verse which was thrown to me a few mths ago stood out. Matt 6:33 and it goes like this," Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you." Suddenly realised something. All the things said to me in the mail, only adds to one, I was not "these things added unto you" to him. Whereas for me, it was becasue of our past. God, take away those voices in my head asking me to hang on - if it is not from you. I'll fight, but soldiers need rest too. Help me, I cant do it without you. I think, maybe I didnt hear wrongly about him. But because of that sin, God intervened as I asked. This is the punishment?

I wished he did this book journey with me. Oh Lord, so many times, I dreamt of us doing Bible study together. I think its awesome quality time tog! But anyway...)Because if it was insecurities he felt, God had this to say. Countless poor decisions are made from nothing than in security. Yes, I had that on my last few moments with him. It was because of insecurity of him going to school. New friends. Time. I made bad decisions. I wondered abt my sin. My wrongs. Never forgiven? But yet, Psalms 32 spoke all so clearly. I know, even if he chose another way, I'll never fall. Never. God promise to never forsake nor leave me. And 'us' at that pt of time. I may be like Simon (not as great though). Luke 22:31-32. "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you (WOW?! I never knew this verse exist). Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen you brothers." I needed sifting. God wanted to see what I reacted. When I thought I had to be the one to try so darn hard, I realised that God was making this sin go away, as prayed for years. Oh God, I do not deny I still love him. I let him go because You told me to let You deal with the insecurities! I need to if it as real. Yes, I know from Your word, it is true. Too many things, Lord, which I can only write a personal letter to You. Tonight, I'll meet with You. Dun let this confidence in You die in me now. I need this more than ever. I believe. I want to. Help me.

1 Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.
2 Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. (Thank You, thank you, Jesus! for helping me to understand more.. 'Romans 4:1-5'. You are calculating the taken opportunities to believe in Him not our wrongs)
3 When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Selah
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD " and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah
6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him.
7 You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
9 Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.
10 Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him.
11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!

I think I got the job. But the pay is seriously compromising. While pple there look nice and witha friend there, its definitely plus-plus. To think its contract again, its kinda turn off. Well, options still open. Really praying God gives me to wisdom to know which is the job He has chosen for me -according to my needs, calibre and character.

Talked to my dad about it. He was really sweet abt it. Told me his prayers on sun for me as a father. Really melted my heart to know I have a caring father. A doting dad buying me dinner ytd, knowing I have to eat alone. Told me to eat at home because they will be home for company. Sat with me thru my dinner and telly time. It was really nice. My parents never fail to support me. I am really glad that those times were trying, it was worth it when we worked together and results in more fruitful ties. Knowing my dad more, now I know where my triad of character is from. Perservance, patience. "Crying-in-the-heart-without-disclosure" kind of feeling. I know it all so clearly. God throws tests, to see how we response.

I could dance forever. I danced for 2 hours straight last night. Back to back ballet classes. Full focus. It's seriously the only time, I dun think of him, only occasionally hopes wishing he was at the glass panel, looking. But, its never gonna happen. I wanted to stay on for the 3rd class but I was too hungry and tired. It was all good because by the time I get home, I am superb tired and I'll sleep. Everywhere I go, I sense a memory. Though I miss him, but this time, I knew i no longer have his heart. Even in my dreams, memories are bittersweet. I think, its going to take me a long time to forget our feelings we had as what he always wanted of me.

These few days I cant eat. Found out I got wisdom tooth. Because of that, I got a gigantic ulcer which probably numbed my left-side gum nerves.

My heart tore while readin " I believe you". Because I know what is it like to find a renew hope in when all is lost and cursed, believe its God sent. Only difference, there was courage, perservance, believe and compromise. I gave up on something which I thought I never had the courage to love again after all that happened, until he came along. There, when you muster every ounce of courage and strength to gave your all and till today, you pray and always get the same answer(so frustrating), he was uncertain and left. One of the things he said was I only knew him as a stranger at the end of 4 years. I do not know what to make of sentence likes I was a good gf yet, no one cherishes. Maybe its only words of comfort. Never true. Now, all I can do its to only sit and watch at the sidelines, he will probably have another gf sooner or later. Just cheering him on (while dealing with your own insecurities - who am I to feel that way anyway? But I still love him very much), but knowing he never intended to be yours. Am I in denial to the things he said to were signs he wanted to leave? To this extend, when it is about God, its something I cannot say 'no' to. Guess, its a pretty good way to exit out of a relationship. I'll never understand why he came along, asking me to believe him, praying and believing with all my heart on a prayer abt him on that particular day and he leaves.

To him now, I am invincible while everyday I fight back thoughts to ask if he ever misses me or loves me now. To even sms, call, meet, peek or email as a friend. Because I can't. Simple reason, I am too afraid of rejections. To know he has someone new. I read our last email conversation over and over and this poem which I wanted to dedicated to him on a special day. Maybe one day, when all my love and hopes of him realising his loss and ever coming back; hopes and this thread of belief (that I hang on to all these years as my hope and motivation) in the answers I got from Him about our relationship in my daily prayers fades away, maybe. Until then... This is my last entry bearing my inner most feelings for him... I have my story too.. but it will never be continued.. till I see Him.

Before it is too late - Goo Goo Dolls
I wandered through fiction
To look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
And I stood at a distance
To feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes

Hold on, before it's too late
We'll run till we leave this behind
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

And the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real till it's gone

Hold on, before it's too late
We'll run till we leave this behind
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

So live like you mean it
And love till you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real till it's gone

Hold on, before it's too late
We'll run till we leave this behind
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

Hold on, before it's too late
We'll run till we leave this behind
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives
It's all that we need in our lives
It's all that I need in my life

I don't why I said what I said on my last entry. It is redundant, I know. What am I hoping for? God and Time, heal me. I know its impossible. Today see the peche girls, go for ballet and join back up singing ministry and creative arts - dance (coming soon). Hope to "perform" for church anniversary. Gonna take up guitar lessons too.

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

Maybe I'll never exactly know why our relationship ended. I felt weird on my birthday. All I had was a flat tone sms from you. It felt so obligated yet, a confused-emotion blessing. Its the first time in 4 years I celebrated without you. I wish I could have. Because I am not in your future as you chose me to be your memory. Maybe, pride is the main downfall of our failed communication and relationship. It is just all filled with "maybes'". So many things I want to say and also hear from you. Yet, I know it is impossible. Maybe feelings are maybe best left in the heart since decision is made =( Guess, thinking abt it and not demostrating isnt gonna make things better.. Anyway.

Photos:
Christmas/Wedding/ New Year/ Karen's birthday
23rd birthday

Divine Exchange
By: Abundant Life Ministries

My heart is captivated Lord, by You alone
Captured by the awesomeness of You alone
Melted by the grace and mercy You have shown
I stand in wonder
I reach to You the one who make the blind can see
Who break the chains of sickness with authority
Restoring of what was broken
So we may fly again

I live to worship you
I breathe to worship to you
All of my days, Your face I'll seek
For as I worship you
You lead me to that place
To that place of divine exchange

It was a great New Year with Jo. We caught "Alvin and the chipmunks". It was such a great show!! Hilarious and comical. We walked over between Clarke Quay and Boat Quay to catch the fireworks with definitely a much lesser crowd. All thks to Jo! =)

Ytd I caught up with Ben Low. I just realised how many "Benjamins'" I have in my phonebook. Its crazy. Each time I need to think properly who is who. I think parents should stop naming that name for awhile. Think its over populated! But anyway, it was absolutely REFRESHING to take a bus down to town in the DAY, without traffic and CROWD. I was just babbling away how it was the fastest time I got to PS in 25mins. Haha. I probably sounded like some mountain tortoise, really. We spend the day having lunch, walking ard, grabbing teatime and then walking again. Talked abt so much stuff. It was definitely worth the time sharing. We both were laughing over my relationship with miah. Glad we cleared some air up =) Thought I was alone in that matter.

"Faith cannot sustain on its own. Love will only grow with encouragements."